The little things...

It's the little things. Sometimes it's in the little things when you find hope, when you find the courage just to make it through the day. It's finding a blog post that I can relate to, or says the right thing. It's the song that keeps echoing in your head and Grey's Anatomy marathons and quotes that are so fiercely beautiful and the Food Network. I wanted to share some of my little things, the little things that have kept me going over this past little while.
http://jstarshollow.blogspot.com/2012/02/oh-places-you-go.html

http://natalielloyd.blogspot.com/2012/02/paid-in-roses.html

http://sojourner-ephraim.blogspot.com/2012/02/valentines-chocolate.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqng6SVDclc (Moves like Jagger by Maroon 5. I don't usually like to get songs that are popular, but I kinda fell in love with this one! There's actually kind of a funny story behind this...)

"Jesus. He met us right where we were, right there on the cold hard tile of my sun room, and He took two broken people, so different and yet so much more alike and showed us the scars on His hands and said its ok if we have some too because the scars are always drawing us to Him."

"Hope is like a bird that senses the dawn and carefully starts to sing while it is still dark."

"She wasn't bitter. She was sad though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time."

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song."

Beautiful Hope

My heart is so full it hurts. It’s not the bad kind of hurting though, the kind I’ve experienced far too much of these past few weeks. It’s the good kind of hurting, the kind when your heart is so full and it feels like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you can breathe. There are so many heartaches in life, so it’s nice for a moment to come along that’s full of good heartache.
I don’t know if I can even explain it, this kind of heartache that comes with realizing how, even admits all this trauma, incredibly blessed you are. It’s the kind that comes with being paid in flowers, of memories of that perfect Sunday afternoon, of reading a blog post that makes you smile on the inside because you just get it. It’s the kind of happiness that comes with knowing all your time spent watching the food network paid off because in your hands is the best dish known to man (Ok, not quite, but the best dish ever made by your ten fingers.) It’s sunshine and feeling brave and love and…do you feel it? It’s hope. Its hope and it’s shining and beckoning me to find room in my cold, tired heart for its candle. It can’t promise me much warmth, or much light, but it says that if I come close enough to the tiny flame, the cold darkness won’t be as noticeable anymore. It’s hope, it’s something I haven’t felt in far too long… and it’s beautiful.

http://www.girlzofgodbook.blogspot.com/2012/02/girlz-like-you-interview-alisha-h-15.html
(Ok, this is was from an interview that I did recently. Just thought I'd post it incase anyone wanted to read it. Yes, when I got the email asking me to do this I actually did laugh, because earlier that day I was talking to myself about this very issue, and deciding how bad it would be for me to try and give advice to other people when my life is so crazy and I feel like I know so little as it is. (Did you notice the last question?)

Laughter and Love = Best Kind of Medicine

Saw this video today and fell in love. I literally have no words. It is so true.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAlyHUWjNjE&feature=player_embedded

So here's to lunch dates and laughing and amazing friends to share Sunday's with.

Sooner or Later, I'm gonna make it...

Today is the day of:

Waking up to pain ripping through my stomach

Throwing up Breakfast

Doing school while hooked up, attempting to fight off the nausea that's rising

Watching the Food Network and reading My sister's keeper in an attempt to ignore the shock, and the humbling sense of reality, brought up by this morning's incident

The smell of medical tape still clinging to my skin, despite my attempts to wash it away

Cold feet, and headaches, and heartaches

Sunshine streaming in the bedroom window

Spanish Vocab, and Math Questions, and English Essays

Getting a message from a friend today, a whispered reminder that sooner or later, I AM going to make it. We ARE going to find out what this is and I AM going to feel better. Though it won't be today, it will be someday.

I am Hoping with a fragile Hope

Update

Just wanted to let everyone know that today went as well as it could have (Not that it was good for me, I was miserable, but good as in the tests went smoothly.)
The tests weren't fun for me. Spending 5 hours at the medical clinic defiantly wasn't my idea of a good time. It defiantly wasn't fun to be stabbed with ultrasound wands and lay under scanners and submit myself to following every order for every little thing that had to go along with every test. I came home, logged into school (I'd already done my math yesterday so I just had some reading to do) and promptly fell asleep. I was so exhausted. I slept for a while but when I woke up I didn't feel much better, still felt tired and achy. I always find I'm way more self conscious when I'm getting these kind of tests done, because I'm still hooked up and everytime somebody looks at me oddly (Which almost everyone does) I always wonder what they're thinking, if they're wondering what happened to the poor girl sitting in the corner being fed by a tube to make her like this. (In my mind I always think they think I look like a freak, but maybe that's my own caring and nobody really thinks that. I don't know.) I drank enough water to sink the titanic (Ok not quite, but by the end of it I was almost throwing up every sip I drank.) I found too, that when I wasn't thinking I would always catch myself with little tears in my eyes, just sitting there. Despite my furious scrubbing I still smell like medical tape (Maybe from the sticky stuff on the back of the heart monitor stickers?)
I am so glad this day is over. This day was hard, but not scary. I find I don't have the luxury of being scared anymore, not by this. I need to be strong right now, I can't risk falling apart. If I let myself be scared, whose going to be strong? So I'll be strong, because it's what is required. These fears inside me, they're almost numb now, barely able to be felt at all. They just get pushed to the back. I don't get to be scared, not over things like this.

It's about a girl who is on the cusp of becoming someone.. A girl who may not know what she wants right now, and she may not know who she is right now, but who deserves the chance to find out

Pretending...

I'm heading in for more medical tests tomorrow. I guess I'm tired, of picking myself up and brushing myself off after every attempt that didn't show anything, of fighting, even of the inconvenience of it all and the brutal reminder that this is my life and I am not given the luxury of spending tomorrow in school like most kids my age, but instead I'll be spending it at the medical testing diagnostic clinic where you have to have this for one test, but not for the next one, and you can't wear metal for this test and you can't eat or drink before this test, but you have to drink before this one.
Like the lyrics from one of my favorite songs say (You can actually listen to the song here)
I'm sitting in a room made up of only big white walls And in the hall, there are people looking through The window in the door They know exactly what we're here for Don't look up, just let them think There's no place else you'd rather be and now you can't turn back because this road is all you'll ever have
That's really what it's like, sort of, just don't look up, don't let people think you would rather be anywhere else. This is it, this is what you have. Of course, living this way has made me a brilliant actress (at least I like to think so.) But it is honestly so much pretending, pretending to be ok, pretending that really the hospital or the medical clinic are the best places to spend a Monday when you're in high school.
But I have no choice, so tomorrow I'll go, and I'll pretend to be strong and brave.


Remember a while ago I mentioned my best friend's cousin Sadie? (If not, you can read the post here) Anyway, her mama has a blog that I started reading just after I found out about Sadie. I thought maybe you'd like to check out a couple of her posts that I'm lovin' right now.

http://jstarshollow.blogspot.com/2009/10/nothing-good-happens-after-midnight.html
http://jstarshollow.blogspot.com/2011/09/lies-on-monday.html

7 Quick Takes ~ Volume 2

1. I hate that I'm resorting to doing another 7 quick takes this Friday. But considering it's been a week since I've posted and I've sat here for almost half an hour, staring at this blank screem, writing, erasing, writing some more, erasing again. I figured you all deserved a post since everything I've tried to write wasn't coming across like I wanted it to, I figured I'd do another 7 quick takes. I hope nobody minds.

2. Semester 2 started on Wednesday, and so far it's going really well. I'm very excited about my English class. I also have Math and Spanish this semester, and I'm looking forward to seeing what those classes are going to bring too.

3. I'm heading in for more tests on Monday, some ultrasounds and a bone scan. Wierd thing is, I think I hate ultrasounds the most out of all the medical tests I've had. I don't know why, but I do. So I am definatly not looking forward to that day. The day will start at 8:40am, another downer as I hate getting up early. On the plus side, I get to wear my pyjama's into town, and wear them ALL day, and I get lunch out. Ok, not very big plus sides to this not so fun situation, but I'm trying here.

4. I also started a medical journal this month. Basically, it's a journal, where I write down all my medical symptoms for a couple of weeks, and then we'll take it into the doctors so I can better explain what's going on and actually have documentation instead of just going "Uh..." and looking over at my mom. (Yes, I actually do that!) I started on the first, and almost have a whole page filled up, but looking back over these past few days it's been pretty symptom free. I'm not expecting that to last, though, and if it does I think I may need to pick another 2 weeks as this is pretty abnormal (To go days without every hour being plauged by symptoms. But I have had days before where I go for a stretch without lots of symptoms, and then it all comes back and sticks with me. So we'll see)

5. I started reading some Jodi Picoult books. I mentioned last week I was reading Handle with Care (Finished that, and loved it! Made me cry though...) and am now reading another one of her books I got from the library. Even though there are some questionable things in some of her books, I really love the way that they get me to think.

6. I've got another story on my mind. It was inspired by one of the wierdest things (aren't they all?) and the idea actually came to me from something my friend did (Though he probably has no idea he inspired a story... hehehe) and I can't get it out of my head. I've been googling baby names and the hours worked by a baker, and the process for child custody after a divorce... just incase I decide to write this story one day. I love it that I can text my friend and ask her which one of two names she likes better, and she'll tell me and not even question me on why I want to know. I love her for that, and cause she turned my main character into a red head!

7. I'm sort of glad I watch Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice when everyone else is in bed. I think they might think I'm a little bit insane as I make all these wierd noises. It's true, I can't turn my feelings into words so I sit in front of the TV and squeal and sigh and gasp. I can't even turn those weird noises into words, they're just noises that express feelings.

Hopefully someday soon I'll be able to get my thoughts out into coherent paragraphs :)