The Climb

I have this mountain which I must climbIt is a mountain I climb daily, hourly, every moment
It is long and the path is rough and I'm exhausted
This is the mountain, and there is no other way, no other trail
This is the mountain of chronic illness
This path I am taking is filled with sickness and pain, medical equipment that causes more grief then good, and exhaustion
It leaves no room for me to feel anything else
From where I stand, this mountain seems unclimbable, with no top in sight
I wish there were adequate words to describe how much this hurts, or how much I wish I could stop, and sit down, and let the battle continue on without me
And I climb it daily, hoping one day, maybe, I'll be able to see dawn breaking
It sucks the life out of me and on these sleepless nights and during these pain filled days... I wonder
I wonder what I am learning as I am climbing, or what I'm supposed to be learning
I wonder when I will finally be done climbing
I wonder if, when I get to the top of this mountain, I will be able to look back and say "Look at how far I've come, look at all these hurdles I've overcome, look"
And on this mountain, I feel foolish for dreaming of this place where one day I will be at the top
This hike up the mountain takes all of me, and I have no room left
I don't know if I'll get through this
I'm falling and stumbling and hurting
And there are no more tears left to cry, no more words left to say, there's just hurt
I wish I could make this mountain move, or find some other way
There is war, but against what? Against myself? Against this disease that is made out of my very being? That is as much a part of me as my heart is my heart or my lungs are my lungs?
This is an uphill battle... exhausting and breaking me down to nothing
But it isn't about how fast I get to the top, or about what's waiting when I finally reach the end and find healing. As I am here, right now with my broken spirit and my exhausted body, I am finding there is no out, there is only through. It's all about the climb