Caring for dirt

I've been thinking about blogging for a while now. I even have little draft posts drawn up and sitting in the folder, waiting to be published.
I haven't been writing lately, though I have had the deep desire to sift through my thoughts in a more public space. Maybe its because the issues I've been coming to conclusions on are more personal, and being discreet is hard and I don't want to give any person or organization a bad reputation. I can only tell my story, but lately my story has been colliding with a bunch of other people's stories and I don't know how to write yet in a way that won't hurt the people I'm writing about.
And I wonder if it's about time I've outgrown this blog. It's been here, chugging along, since my high school days and now I have just completed my second year of college and I'm in a far different stage of life than I was when I began writing here all those years ago. I think about starting a new blog, though that task seems daunting and I don't know if I'm brave enough to be faced with the job of starting all over.
Recently my blog friend Beth has been writing about caring for dirt.
 "because isn’t that what it’s like tending to seeds before they germinate, before they sprout? You water dirt. You care for dirt."
 That's what my life has been feeling like lately. I'm waiting and waiting for something to pop out of the darkness, for my dreams to grow and develop, and sometimes I see glimpses of something green, but in the mean time I'm caring for dirt.
I just finished up my second year of college (and it was a hard year, but that's another post) and I'm in that in-between stage. I'm packing up my room, knowing this will be the last time I step into the dorm as a student. I'm going to job interviews and asking questions about what I want my future to look like. My relationship seems to be in an in-between stage.
And I can see all of these green shoots about to poke up, and for things to come out of this darkness, but right now, in this moment, it feels a lot like tending to a pile of dirt.
Its frustrating and a lot of days I end up feeling sad. I dig and dig through the dirt, trying to find the seed I planted there as reassurance that better things are coming but as deep as I dig I don't reach the seed. I'm only pulling up fistfuls of dirt.
It requires faith, knowing that the seed I planted there is still there. All these things that I long for will grow. These fruits that I crave will shoot up from the ground in the form of a tiny green stalk because I planted them there.
I don't know what this next little bit will look like for me. All I know is that right now I'm caring for dirt. And I have faith that the seed I have planted will grow.

Taking Chances (& Creating a place to grow goodness)

I haven't been blogging much recently. I've been recycling old things I've written but never shared. I've been writing up a storm in personal word documents and in my journal, on the backs of napkins and in long winded text messages that I send to those I love far away.
But I've missed the aspects of blogging that mean community, sharing my words with people and receiving feedback, engaging in conversation with everyone out there who is listening to what I have to say.
It's on my to-do list for the summer, right next to actually keeping a plant alive and take a trip into town just to go to Starbucks.
...
Recently I had the privilege of writing a guest post for Nancy Rue's teen blog. I was asked to write on failure. I was asked to write wise words of wisdom on how to walk through a season of failure in the middle of what felt like my own season of failure.
And the words I wrote for these young women were the words I desperately wanted someone to speak over me: You are enough, you are loved, you are a blessing.
I wrote these words on the heels of a powerful Sunday where I skipped church and listened to a podcast in my pajamas with a mug of tea. I wrote these words desperately wanting to believe them true.
The response I've gotten from the girls has been amazing. I wrote the post to teach them, and they ended up teaching me. Isn't that how it always works?
This fall I signed up (with great fear and trembling) to be a Sunday school teacher. I am not the kind of person who teaches Sunday school. I never liked Sunday school growing up. I have this idea in my head that Sunday school teachers were nice people who liked kids and baked cookies and didn't want to teach grown ups.
I don't know how I ended up teaching Sunday school. It pushed all my buttons and every single week it demanded more from me than I thought I had to give and I often felt weak, like I couldn't do this, like I should be better, that if only I could be more like her...
Somehow I ended up with a class of sassy, spunky, crazy grade 3 & 4 girls. I swear they've taught me more than I supposedly taught them. They make me want to be brave and crazy and silly and sassy and not care about what people think of me.
Yesterday was my last Sunday teaching these girls. And I cried just a little bit.
I'm not so sure if I'm cut out to be a Sunday school teacher. But I do know that these girls changed me. And they'll change the world, if we let them. It was an honor to be their teacher this year, and to learn from them.
...
In the name of being brave, I'm doing some crazy things this summer.
I'm already doing crazy things.
I'm currently working at (working being the key word here) a long distance relationship, which is one of the hardest, best, most full of grace things I've ever done. It's teaching me things about myself and love and God that I never would have known otherwise.
I'm writing a book. I've been saying I'm writing a book for years but now I feel like I'm writing a book. I have a little word document with a few thousand words. It's a humble start but its better than nothing.
I renamed my blog tonight because it's been the same since I started this tender place and I'm ready for a fresh start. I'm ready for good things, open space to grow and become and create goodness.
I'm taking big chances on myself this summer. I'm listening to what I want, and need. And sometimes that feels reckless and stupid but sometimes it feels beautiful and brave.
...
I want to practice being honest
I want to keep learning more than I teach
I want to keep falling in love with people and places and things
I want to keep feeling things deeply
I want to keep taking chances
I want to be brave

The truth about Diagnosis

So my first post was featured over at Disease On My Sleeve today.
It's really weird, seeing something I've written up on a place that's not my blog. It's weird to try and believe I actually wrote that.
But I am so excited to be a part of this project and be a regular contributor over at DS. This is something I'm really passionate about and I hope I can make a difference in the lives of people with chronic illnesses. (Plus, the team I get to work with is pretty amazing too!)

So check out my first post, and let me know what you think!
http://www.diseaseonmysleeve.org/post/35705925713/alishadiagnosis

7 Quick Takes ~ Volume 9

1. I haven't posted regularly for a long time, and I miss it. I miss having conversations with you beautiful people at my kitchen table, even though we really may be hours apart. I don't know when I'm going to be back to blogging regularly. Until then, please feel free to enjoy me in tiny bursts when I do decide to get my butt over here and blog something :)

2. I guess one of the more important things I should mention is that I totally changed my diet. A friend recommended this to me at the end of June, as she had already started on this new diet change and it was working well for her and she thought maybe it would help me as I had been having really bad stomach pain. I was skeptical, but after finding some recipes online that fit with this new diet, I made the switch. It's been almost 2 weeks and I feel great!

3. So, as for the diet change, I made the switch to NO white flours or refined sugars. I'm also limiting the amounts of gluten in my diet. I've defiantly been noticing the changes. For one, my stomach pain has been cut in half! It is less frequent, and I haven't had any severe pain episodes. (YAY!!!!) Also, I've noticed I have had a lot more energy (No longer needing a rest in the afternoons and actually feeling rested when I get up in the mornings) I also haven't found myself missing junk foods that much, as I am in love with finding new ways to make my every day diet taste great.

4. I was stuck at number 4. And I wrote this big long thing, quoting the words of Taylor Swift and people, and then decided I didn't like it so I erased it all. :)

5. So, July is almost over, which makes me sad. Even though this summer hasn't really felt like summer, it's nice to not have any school. I am excited for August though. August brings Vegas, and the GSD convention (Read something yesterday that I loved: GSD stands for Got Super Determination. Isn't that right?) This summer has been more work then I intended, more figuring things out, more trying to figure out where I'm going, more healing and journeying and stumbling and waiting.

6. For those of you who didn't know, for school in September, I'm doing half and half. (Am I the only one who thinks that makes me sound like a cup of coffee?) For one of my math classes (I'm doing two) and my chem and physics, I am going to the Catholic School in Sexsmith, where my siblings go. And for the rest of my classes, I'll be doing online. This next year is going to be a big year for me. It's grade 11, the year before my last one. It's when I'm actually old enough to start thinking about careers and going to college (WHAT?!?! I can't be that old already!) And it's scary, trying to figure out what you might want to be for the rest of your life, and having all this pressure on you to be good enough. But you know what? I'm learning it's ok if I don't always see the path I'm going to take, sometimes it's ok if I just see the next step.

7. I was going to write about something here, but there's this tiny butterfly outside my window who is distracting me. It's reminding me of change, and that one day the caterpillar wakes up and becomes a butterfly, that when a caterpillar thinks his life is over, he becomes a butterfly, and that to become a butterfly, you must want to fly so much you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.
Change is sometimes a good thing... and one of these days I'm going to break out of this cocoon and fly

Happy Friday!

His

I haven't felt like blogging much.
I've been writing up a storm... but not here.
I started a novel less then a week ago, and am almost at 15,000 words.
I never planned to write a novel, or I did, but not this one.
And yet, this is the story that so easily flows out of me
It's honest & makes me stop for a minute and figure out who I really am
It's a good book & it's helping me through these times when it feels like there's not enough air for me to breathe
There's so much pain on this earth & my heart is longing for heaven
Maybe someday soon I'll share some of the pieces of this novel, cause it really is beautiful
For today, though, here's a little taste of what I've been working on...


Saturday, August 6

I love you, Lord.
 I believe you when you say nothing can separate us. Though my soul lacks words to pray, I believe you see me here. You see my broken body as it crumples down to the floor. You see my frustration at my inability to fix this situation- and to take away pain.
A while ago, I prayed you would use me, and who am I to take back that offer now? I don’t want my faith to change with the tides, because if it does it simply isn’t good enough.
He’s here, and He see’s every tear I cry and every time a smile crosses my face. He calls me His own, and is fiercely protective of me.
 Just as I am protective of my tiny secret, of my body, He is protective of me. And for a moment I almost have to pause and wonder why, but then His quiet whisper fills me ears, “Because you are mine.”
He loves me with a love that is greater then something I can understand, and even as I walk through this waiting vigil, He wraps His arms around me.
One thing I’ve learned, as I’ve waited and longed, is that the love God has for me is beyond what I can perceive. The plans He has for me are better than I could ever imagine. His plan for me is here still. And I trust Him so completely that there is nowhere else I’d rather be.

I want to... part 2

I want to jump in a lake and swim to the bottom where it is the coldest and stay there until i feel like my lungs will explode

I want to curl up under a pile of blankets- even though we're in the middle of a July heatwave - and sit on the couch, which has become my companion these last few days, and just sit, maybe reading, maybe watching some 'bad' TV, maybe eating, but mostly sitting... and thinking

I want to call up one of my friend's on the phone, and just listen to them breathe

I want to fall asleep listening to Scottish Music (My new love!)

I want to eat things that make me feel good: some changes are just harder to make

I want to wear long flowy dresses without caring how practical they are - if only i could get out of these darn PJ's

I want to be on the missions trip again, where I was this time last year, when everything was more certain and I felt Him there, where i fell in love

I want to talk to Spencer, cause it's his birthday on the 12th. I want to congratulate him, but there's no congratulations to be had. So instead I want to celebrate the life he had, the special gift he was to me - and to everyone he met - and to wish we all got to have one more conversation with the guy that impacted us so greatly

I want to write until my fingers ache and until there's no words left pouring out of my soul. they might not make sense, but at least it's something

I want to read blog entries about things that stirr my heart and make me feel something I can relate to

I want to hide away from the world, sitting on my couch with a cup of tea under a pile of blankets and watch grey's anatomy until my eyes burn... and then i want someone to come and rescue me

i want to stop writing wanting posts, 'cause i think they might be becoming my new thing, and we already know i have enough of those.

In which I incoherently discuss...

Listening to: The Living Proof by Mary J Blige
Quote obsession: Love doesn't break when I drop it.
Love keeps reaching,and threading,and bending,and anchoring,and connecting me to the people I love.

My mind is full, and racing. I've tried for days to get all my thoughts down in some coherent way. So excuse me if this post is a little all over the place kind of random.

*I watched this documentary online today. I've never really been that into documentaries (Ok, confession this is the first one I've ever sat through because I find them so boring.) I found this one on the GSDLife website. It's almost an hour long, but if you have time maybe check it out, it's really interesting. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYG0ZuTv5rs&feature=related

* On Thursday(ish) I was out trimming hooves with my cousin. Due to our crazy Alberta weather it was crazy windy, like shake the house and rock your bed when you're trying to sleep windy. So my cousin and I were up there, and I was holding the mammoth horse while she was trimming his mammoth sized feet. The wind was causing the tarp covering the bales to flap wildly in the wind, which was scaring mammoth horse (also named Buddy.) He kept dancing around, trying to get away from the awful scariness which was the flapping tarp. He was big, and with every move he made we had to try and find a way to move with him without getting stepped on. Also, his constant moving made it really hard to trim his hooves. Finally on the third foot we got him to stand still. His eyes still darted around nervously but he was standing still. I came up next to him and kept whispering to him. "It's ok, there's nothing to be scared of, I'm right here, you're not alone." It was after we got back inside that I realized that the way I was with Buddy is probably the way God is with me. I'm here, and it's scary. I keep moving and dancing around, trying to avoid being in this position of being dependent, of having no control. And there's God, holding me, His being right up next to mine, whispering in my ear, "It's ok, I'm right here, there's nothing to be scared of, you're not alone."

*There is little, I realized, that can't be solved with a home spa. There is little that can't be tackled with purple toe nail polish and some girl talk. There is little that can't be reasoned with as I sit there with my mentor. She's mine, my mentor, and I feel the smallest bit of pride when I say that. She's mine, and for that I am grateful. She's honest and real and she believes in me.

* This is my new song love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRbsTJnK5ZA
I heard it on Private Practice: The Intervention a couple of weeks ago, downloaded it not that long after and have been listening to it almost daily since then. I just love this song. :)

* Here are a couple of blog posts I'm loving too. Maybe you want to check them out, if you are like me and spend hours on the internet on a Saturday. (Just kidding! But if you have some extra time to waste on the internet, like I'm sure lots of people do (at least I hope I'm not the only one) you should check out some of these posts.)

• http://beautyinweakness.blogspot.com/2011/11/just-to-feel-you-cling.html This is another one by the same person who wrote the post I mentioned in my last post. I've never met her, but she's friends with my best friend's mama, and I absolutely love her writing.


• http://natalielloyd.blogspot.com/2011/12/songbirds-and-cowboy-boots.html Another post by the lovely Natalie Lloyd (I posted one by her a while back.) She's another one of my favorite bloggers.

* I could also tell you that I haven't really edited my NaNo novel yet, but I do have a little idea spinning around in my head for a sequel. I suppose I should finish up this novel first, though. My (amazing) friend has agreed to make a cover for my novel! I feel the teeniest bit lost without a novel to pour myself in to.

I suppose I've bored everyone enough for now. I apologize if this made no sense and I just wasted 5 minutes of your day with my incoherent rambling.

Where Does Your Worth Come From?

Like most people who blog, I would assume, I love getting comments. I love that leap of excitement I get when I check my emails and find that one of you lovely people have commented on something that I wrote. I love the burst of energy I get when I see that one more person has been added to my following. Who doesn't? It's almost like those comments are validation, that I did a good job, that I was an inspiration to someone else, that I was good enough. That's what it is, isn't it? It's like in that moment, I have validation that I was good enough. Writing in a blog, sharing your heart to people everywhere, it's nerve wracking. Suddenly everyone can judge you, form their own opinions about you. And when I get a comment, when I get just *One more* added to my following, it's like I was good enough. This time, I was good enough. Here's what I realized the other night, when I was thinking about this. It's a couple things actually...
1. It doesn't matter how good I blogged that last day or how many comments I get on a post or how many followers I have, my worth is not found in any of it. My worth is not measured by how many followers I have or if anybody commented on that last post. When I get to heaven, God is not going to turn me away because I didn't have enough followers or didn't get enough comments on a post. My worth is found in God alone. My worth is not determined on the amount of comments I recieve or the amount of followers I have. Even if I get all the comments in the world, even if every human being from every country followed my blog, that wouldn't make me good enough. It would probably add more pressure, making me feel like I had to please everybody. My worth does not come from how well I did on that post or whatever, my worth comes from God.
2. I can't please everyone! No two people on this earth think exactly alike. Where as one person could totally be in love with what I wrote one day, another person could totally hate it. I can't make everyone happy. I blog and put what I feel out there for the entire world, or whoever is reading my blog, and they can judge, they can decide for themselves how they feel about it. Does that mean I should stop blogging because, oh well, I can't make everyone happy? Definatly not! I love blogging. I'm not going to stop because one person out there doesn't like it.
3. Like I mentioned earlier, I love comments. And I love followers. And that's not wrong. At the begining, when I first started this blog, I thought I would blog even if I had no followers, just because I loved writing down and putting what I wanted to say out there. Somewhere along the line, that changed and I began worrying about what other people thought of that last post. I need to get back to writing for me, letting other people form their own opinions. Like I said, not everyone will be inspired or moved by what i write. And that's ok. Comments and followers are ok, they're actually really amazing. I love all my followers and I love getting comments. I just realized my worth doesn't come from what they think, but from what God thinks.