For one of our classes we're working our way through this book, meeting each week with another to discuss these tiny gems we draw from our weekly readings.
Most weeks I take tiny slivers of something to hold up to the light as the week passes, then promptly move on to the next virtue. But this, this one stuck out to me a little extra, shone a little brighter.
Thanksgiving
We made a challenge, for one whole day in the next week to notice every single time we said thank you and stop to ask why we were thankful.
And for a whole day I walked around being truly thankful for doors being held open and salt shakers being passed at dinner.
It reminded me of 1000 gifts, and how months ago I filled a little blue notebook with things I was grateful for, and how life got busy and the gratitude list became just another thing on my bigger to-do list and I stuck the little blue book on the shelf.
1. The patience of friends
2. Laughing voices coming from down the hallway
3. Big hugs as we say goodbye
4. Starry nights
One by one I create another list, naming the things in which I am grateful.
I'm nearing 100 now, 100 little gifts reminding me that all is grace.
I'm writing again, wild and rambling prose about people and love and coffee stains.
About this place in which I currently find myself, full of soft hands taking hold of mine and the space I've been feeling that surrounds my heart and the mystery of the unknown.
21. Physical closeness
22. Strong Brewed Coffee
23. Long walks down winding roads
24. Tiny eyes, wide and bright
I'm learning what it means to be loved. Sometimes I forget, and it takes the gentle reminder from a friend to bring my mind back to this. I'm learning it's ok to make mistakes and sometimes it's ok to let go. I'm learning that sometimes it takes being brought to the same place over and over again to finally learn, and sometimes when you think you know it all there comes the realization that there is (always) more left to learn.
47. Snowflakes falling on a Sunday
48. Her head tucked against my shoulder
49. Color coordination at the breakfast table
I'm being challenged to be honest, to be willing to get vulnerable and exposed, to spread open the parts of me I am most ashamed of and sit with them. I am being challenged not to stay here, where my own shortcomings, failures and humanness seem to be illuminated, but to rise.
Challenged to truly exist in this moment and make memories and keep living and loving with a heart flung wide open and to recognize that all this is grace
Elizabeth Gilbert says "Whatever comes and lifts your face out of the dirt and says 'rise, rise, rise' that is grace."
72. Words
73. Impromptu dance parties
I am falling in love with the world more and more each day. With strong hands and soft eyes and small gestures and words and sounds and people, always people. Sometimes all this loving makes me feel as though my heart is going to fracture under the weight of it all. I love too fiercely, too deeply, too quickly and passionately and wildly, and sometimes this causes bruises and cuts and I lay on the carpet wondering why I have loved at all. The challenge in these moments is to remain open, to keep on loving and letting myself be loved in different forms.
83. The silence of early morning
84. Clay under my fingers
85. Opportunity
Someone asked me once what I wanted my legacy to be, and I'll always remember what I said. I stole the phrase from Jennifer Pastiloff, and it is still one of the truest things I know.
"When I get to the end of my life and ask one final 'What have I done?' let my answer be 'I have done love.''
I want to have done love. I want to have loved well, but I also want to have loved badly and fully and passionately and messy and like crazy and the right people at the wrong time and the wrong people at the right time and myself.
I want to always experience love so completely it almost breaks my heart.
At the end of this day, when the clock has already ticked on to morning and exhaustion is in my bones from all the messy loving I did today, when I am vaguely aware of the still broken pieces of myself being made whole, I add one more thing to my list in delicate black ink script
91. Love
I am grateful for love
Showing posts with label thankful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thankful. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
I woke up this morning feeling hopeful.
The night before had been so thick and heavy, carrying with it a hint of despair. Wandering around the dorms felt like walking through fog, and it was easy to slip into the feeling that all was not well.
I stumbled around in my own exhaustion, my own shortcomings and failures.
I made the decision last night that this morning would be for spending time alone to reflect, to pray, to sit in the presence of God.
I awoke this morning and watched as others got dressed and went on their way to Sunday services.
I cracked open my Bible, desiring truth and comfort, God's promises made real.
I read and wrote in my journal and all the while I felt myself being lifted.
I turned on a podcast, pulled a hoodie over my pajamas and began to walk until I was out of town
This afternoon the homework party happened in my room, and as I looked over the beautiful girls all bent over their work, spread out on the beds and onto the floor, I couldn't help but feel grateful
I whispered a silent thank you before returning to the assignment spread out before me
Lately my heart has been nudged towards gratitude
What am I grateful for? I ask myself
for His grace, which is sufficient in my weakness
for long walks with friends
for each and every one of the girls in my care group
for late night hockey games
and water fights while doing dishes
for card games and coffee
for music
and conversation
for lunch time laughter and stories around the supper table
for honesty, given and received
for where I come from and where I'm headed, and for everything in between
the guys in our brother care group who care for me in ways that makes all the difference
for yellow leaves and friends to cover
being held and giving without needing anything in return
For grace
and grace
and more grace
The night before had been so thick and heavy, carrying with it a hint of despair. Wandering around the dorms felt like walking through fog, and it was easy to slip into the feeling that all was not well.
I stumbled around in my own exhaustion, my own shortcomings and failures.
I made the decision last night that this morning would be for spending time alone to reflect, to pray, to sit in the presence of God.
I awoke this morning and watched as others got dressed and went on their way to Sunday services.
I cracked open my Bible, desiring truth and comfort, God's promises made real.
I read and wrote in my journal and all the while I felt myself being lifted.
I turned on a podcast, pulled a hoodie over my pajamas and began to walk until I was out of town
This afternoon the homework party happened in my room, and as I looked over the beautiful girls all bent over their work, spread out on the beds and onto the floor, I couldn't help but feel grateful
I whispered a silent thank you before returning to the assignment spread out before me
Lately my heart has been nudged towards gratitude
What am I grateful for? I ask myself
for His grace, which is sufficient in my weakness
for long walks with friends
for each and every one of the girls in my care group
for late night hockey games
and water fights while doing dishes
for card games and coffee
for music
and conversation
for lunch time laughter and stories around the supper table
for honesty, given and received
for where I come from and where I'm headed, and for everything in between
the guys in our brother care group who care for me in ways that makes all the difference
for yellow leaves and friends to cover
being held and giving without needing anything in return
For grace
and grace
and more grace
Monday, October 13, 2014
Thanksgiving (What I'm grateful for 2014)
Thanksgiving Weekend is coming to a close and I have yet to sit down and write the annual Thanksgiving post. You know, the one where I sit down and write about everything I'm grateful for.
Every time I sit down and try to write this, I end up at a loss for words. Not because I am struggling to find something that I'm grateful for, but because I am trying to find the words to convey the vast amount of gratitude that has filled me.
I remember years when thanksgiving would roll around and I would search for something, anything, to feel truly grateful for.
Life felt like loss, and I wondered if there would ever come a time when I would be truly happy again.
I am grateful
for the family I have just left at home: my dad who makes stupid jokes and sits on my feet when it's cold and I'm too lazy to get socks, my mom who takes the day off to go on crazy adventures with me, my beautiful sister who is filled with more light than most people I know, my brothers who amaze me every single day with new tricks and stories
for this place, the one I never thought I'd be in. Because I was never going to be the girl who went off to Bible School. But sometimes you hit a wall, and your second chance looks like an exit strategy.
and the people I've met in this place take my breath away with how beautiful and wonderful and loving they are.
I am grateful for late night conversations and homework parties and going on crazy spontaneous adventures. I am grateful for these people who enter into the trenches with me, who challenge me and push me and wake me up to things I didn't realize before. I am grateful for those who have seen me at my worst, my most broken, only to say I love you. And I am grateful for the ones who have taught me to be loving, to be gracious and kind. I am grateful for the ones who have taught me what it means to be loved.
I am grateful for my old friends, for those people that first reached into my night and loved me anyway, the ones that taught me it's ok to be honest, to have fun, to laugh and love and make messes.
I look at them now and I couldn't be more proud
I'm grateful for the losses, the really hard ones that knocked me to my knees and left me wondering if I would ever recover. I never did, but I have grown stronger in the broken places. I have grown kinder, softer, gentler, more loving and gracious. I am grateful for the memories, even if remembering sometimes hurts.
I am grateful that I am alive in this moment, that I am here and against all odds I made it
I made it here and I get to experience every single day what it means to be human
I am grateful for this
And you, I am grateful for you
Because you made it possible for me to be here. Your love and support and kindness and encouragement and refusal to give up on me made it possible for me to sit here and write this thanksgiving list.
And while the word itself will never feel like enough, I will say it anyway because it is the only one I have:
Thank you
Every time I sit down and try to write this, I end up at a loss for words. Not because I am struggling to find something that I'm grateful for, but because I am trying to find the words to convey the vast amount of gratitude that has filled me.
I remember years when thanksgiving would roll around and I would search for something, anything, to feel truly grateful for.
Life felt like loss, and I wondered if there would ever come a time when I would be truly happy again.
I am grateful
for the family I have just left at home: my dad who makes stupid jokes and sits on my feet when it's cold and I'm too lazy to get socks, my mom who takes the day off to go on crazy adventures with me, my beautiful sister who is filled with more light than most people I know, my brothers who amaze me every single day with new tricks and stories
for this place, the one I never thought I'd be in. Because I was never going to be the girl who went off to Bible School. But sometimes you hit a wall, and your second chance looks like an exit strategy.
and the people I've met in this place take my breath away with how beautiful and wonderful and loving they are.
I am grateful for late night conversations and homework parties and going on crazy spontaneous adventures. I am grateful for these people who enter into the trenches with me, who challenge me and push me and wake me up to things I didn't realize before. I am grateful for those who have seen me at my worst, my most broken, only to say I love you. And I am grateful for the ones who have taught me to be loving, to be gracious and kind. I am grateful for the ones who have taught me what it means to be loved.
I am grateful for my old friends, for those people that first reached into my night and loved me anyway, the ones that taught me it's ok to be honest, to have fun, to laugh and love and make messes.
I look at them now and I couldn't be more proud
I'm grateful for the losses, the really hard ones that knocked me to my knees and left me wondering if I would ever recover. I never did, but I have grown stronger in the broken places. I have grown kinder, softer, gentler, more loving and gracious. I am grateful for the memories, even if remembering sometimes hurts.
I am grateful that I am alive in this moment, that I am here and against all odds I made it
I made it here and I get to experience every single day what it means to be human
I am grateful for this
And you, I am grateful for you
Because you made it possible for me to be here. Your love and support and kindness and encouragement and refusal to give up on me made it possible for me to sit here and write this thanksgiving list.
And while the word itself will never feel like enough, I will say it anyway because it is the only one I have:
Thank you
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Here's to the good times (A thank you letter)
This is a thank you letter
This is a thank you letter to the world that birthed me, that raised me up to become the person I am today, to the trees and the rocks and the flowers and the ocean, to the stars that formed me and then called my name, reminding me that I always belong somewhere, this one is for you.
This is a thank you letter to those who were present that night when I was born, for the doctor who said "It's a girl!", for the nurses who cleaned me up and set me in my parent's arms, who made me the most special, newest human on earth for brief seconds, this one is for you.
This is a thank you letter for my parents who chose life, who decorated my nursery and took pictures of my firsts that would fill my baby book to remind me that I didn't have only lasts, but also firsts, who stood beside my bedside time and time again, tirelessly, late into the night, standing guard like soldiers, this one is for you.
This is a thank you letter to the friends I had growing up, who taught me the basics of human interaction. Even though we were just silly kids, I always believed we could be something more.
This one is for the people who bruised my heart, the ones I can still count off on my fingers. They say you always remember the bad things more than the good things and I guess they're right. I still remember it all. But thank you anyway, because you showed me who I could be.
This one is for the missions team that summer when I was 14, who were there for me when I needed someone, who taught me that love is really the strongest force of all.
This one is for the people who told me I couldn't do it. I proved you wrong, thank you for pushing me to try.
This is a thank you to the poets, the philosophers, the kind souls who touched me with their light and reminded me that we are not alone on this gauntlet, who encouraged me, listened to me, and laughed with me. Without you I wouldn't be half the creative mind I am.
This is a thank you for the friends that saved me, the best friends who remind me who I am even when I forget
For the friends I met when I decided to fearlessly step out of my comfort zone this year, who endured stress and teachers and tests with me, but also so many laughs, debates, questions and who connected with me in such an amazing way
For the people that don't quite fit, who are pushing against labels and boxes, this one is for you
This is for the ones who told me it was ok to be loud, to use my voice, to be passionate and opinionated and fierce
This is a thank you to all the boys I wrote poems about
This is a thank you to all the amazingly strong women who taught me what it means to be a woman, to be strong and smart and kind
Here's to John Green videos on bad days, late night conversations and music
This is a thank you to the doctors who saved me, the friends who saved me, the family that saved me, the words that saved me
This is for the teachers that inspired me, the poets that moved me, the moments that screamed Remember this
Here's to road trips, country music, taking adventures and writing about them
This is a thank you to the boy on the bus that one summer, the boy in the hospital waiting room, the boy in Chapters with a book and headphones, this is for all the people who's stories I've told without knowing their names
You matter
Thank you
Here's to the good times
This is a thank you letter to the world that birthed me, that raised me up to become the person I am today, to the trees and the rocks and the flowers and the ocean, to the stars that formed me and then called my name, reminding me that I always belong somewhere, this one is for you.
This is a thank you letter to those who were present that night when I was born, for the doctor who said "It's a girl!", for the nurses who cleaned me up and set me in my parent's arms, who made me the most special, newest human on earth for brief seconds, this one is for you.
This is a thank you letter for my parents who chose life, who decorated my nursery and took pictures of my firsts that would fill my baby book to remind me that I didn't have only lasts, but also firsts, who stood beside my bedside time and time again, tirelessly, late into the night, standing guard like soldiers, this one is for you.
This is a thank you letter to the friends I had growing up, who taught me the basics of human interaction. Even though we were just silly kids, I always believed we could be something more.
This one is for the people who bruised my heart, the ones I can still count off on my fingers. They say you always remember the bad things more than the good things and I guess they're right. I still remember it all. But thank you anyway, because you showed me who I could be.
This one is for the missions team that summer when I was 14, who were there for me when I needed someone, who taught me that love is really the strongest force of all.
This one is for the people who told me I couldn't do it. I proved you wrong, thank you for pushing me to try.
This is a thank you to the poets, the philosophers, the kind souls who touched me with their light and reminded me that we are not alone on this gauntlet, who encouraged me, listened to me, and laughed with me. Without you I wouldn't be half the creative mind I am.
This is a thank you for the friends that saved me, the best friends who remind me who I am even when I forget
For the friends I met when I decided to fearlessly step out of my comfort zone this year, who endured stress and teachers and tests with me, but also so many laughs, debates, questions and who connected with me in such an amazing way
For the people that don't quite fit, who are pushing against labels and boxes, this one is for you
This is for the ones who told me it was ok to be loud, to use my voice, to be passionate and opinionated and fierce
This is a thank you to all the boys I wrote poems about
This is a thank you to all the amazingly strong women who taught me what it means to be a woman, to be strong and smart and kind
Here's to John Green videos on bad days, late night conversations and music
This is a thank you to the doctors who saved me, the friends who saved me, the family that saved me, the words that saved me
This is for the teachers that inspired me, the poets that moved me, the moments that screamed Remember this
Here's to road trips, country music, taking adventures and writing about them
This is a thank you to the boy on the bus that one summer, the boy in the hospital waiting room, the boy in Chapters with a book and headphones, this is for all the people who's stories I've told without knowing their names
You matter
Thank you
Here's to the good times
Friday, February 8, 2013
grace
“Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a
gift.” ― Mary
Oliver
This week was overwhelming. I learned a lot this week, about high school things like chemistry and english, and about other things too, like love, and where my identity is, and grace.
While I got good news from my doctors earlier this week, there's something bittersweet about the whole thing. It's good and it's happy and I'm happy, but it's also scary and sad and full of so much emotion I can't even describe. I am overwhelmed by grace, because I really deserve none of this. I feel like I'm standing on something that is changing. The ground beneath me is shaking, and the world is spinning and it's hard to stay upright. Change is taking place here, something big, I can feel it. I'm excited, but it's hard too.
This week was the salty sweet kind. Days would come and I would end up crying in front of the TV or as I wrote something on my computer or as I sat in a chair after getting up in the morning. It's overwhelming and I can barely take it all in. I considered hibernation, curling up in a cave and sleeping until I figured out what to do with this beautiful mess I call life. I spend one moment falling apart and the rest of the day piecing myself back together. Slowly, piece by piece, I gather up my broken courage and muster up a timid roar. As it turns out I'm not feeling so brave or fearless these days, just sad. It's not a bad kind of sadness either, just a kind of sadness that takes time.
And so this is it. I must learn how to sit with this space in my head and in my soul. I must learn how to respond to this unending grace in the only way I know how - with unending gratitude. I must learn how to stand on my own two feet and find my courage again when everything is shifting around me and I feel so unstable in where I stand in and in who I am.
But I am keeping this list of tiny blessings, my grateful response to this amazing grace that has been showered upon me. And while the good things don't necessarily cancel out the bad, the bad too, I am learning, is a gift.
158. Dr.M
159. Eating at the Olive Garden
162. Stable
169. Heels that click when I walk
172. Overwhelming grace
173. PJ day
174. Laughter
175. Understanding
176. Hot Bubble baths
177. Accomplishment
178. Grey's Anatomy nights
179. space
180. frog socks
183. aha! moments
184. The reminder that I am enough today
186. Bowling
187. Friends
188. A day spent in town with my mama
189. discovery
190. finally catching up on some school'
191. blonde
192. love
193. Kendall's blog post
194. Friday
This week was overwhelming. I learned a lot this week, about high school things like chemistry and english, and about other things too, like love, and where my identity is, and grace.
While I got good news from my doctors earlier this week, there's something bittersweet about the whole thing. It's good and it's happy and I'm happy, but it's also scary and sad and full of so much emotion I can't even describe. I am overwhelmed by grace, because I really deserve none of this. I feel like I'm standing on something that is changing. The ground beneath me is shaking, and the world is spinning and it's hard to stay upright. Change is taking place here, something big, I can feel it. I'm excited, but it's hard too.
This week was the salty sweet kind. Days would come and I would end up crying in front of the TV or as I wrote something on my computer or as I sat in a chair after getting up in the morning. It's overwhelming and I can barely take it all in. I considered hibernation, curling up in a cave and sleeping until I figured out what to do with this beautiful mess I call life. I spend one moment falling apart and the rest of the day piecing myself back together. Slowly, piece by piece, I gather up my broken courage and muster up a timid roar. As it turns out I'm not feeling so brave or fearless these days, just sad. It's not a bad kind of sadness either, just a kind of sadness that takes time.
And so this is it. I must learn how to sit with this space in my head and in my soul. I must learn how to respond to this unending grace in the only way I know how - with unending gratitude. I must learn how to stand on my own two feet and find my courage again when everything is shifting around me and I feel so unstable in where I stand in and in who I am.
But I am keeping this list of tiny blessings, my grateful response to this amazing grace that has been showered upon me. And while the good things don't necessarily cancel out the bad, the bad too, I am learning, is a gift.
158. Dr.M
159. Eating at the Olive Garden
162. Stable
169. Heels that click when I walk
172. Overwhelming grace
173. PJ day
174. Laughter
175. Understanding
176. Hot Bubble baths
177. Accomplishment
178. Grey's Anatomy nights
179. space
180. frog socks
183. aha! moments
184. The reminder that I am enough today
186. Bowling
187. Friends
188. A day spent in town with my mama
189. discovery
190. finally catching up on some school'
191. blonde
192. love
193. Kendall's blog post
194. Friday
Friday, November 23, 2012
The Greatest Thing...
So I read Eva Markvoort's blog these past few days. All of it. From when she started writing in 2006 to when she died in 2010.
I don't know why I started reading her blog, or why when I started I read through it all.
Pages and pages, so many entries written by a vibrant red headed girl.
She wrote about having CF, about her lung transplant, about rejection, about life, and love.
And I read all these entries. I read them as I was sitting in front of my computer after Taylor's memorial chat on SBW and when the pain in my stomach was so bad I thought maybe my appendix had burst.
I read them on my phone by the bathroom light as insomnia and pain kept me from sleeping.
I read them in the afternoon's, when I was too exhausted to do much and I wasn't sure why.
I finished reading them tonight...
I am amazed by this girl. Reading through her entries, she's gone some of the same places I have. I wonder, if I go there again, I could catch some of her crazy strength. I want some...
***
It was US Thanksgiving yesterday, and I've been reading posts by my US friends sharing what they're thankful for. Even though Canadian thanksgiving was a month ago, I am still so grateful.
I am thankful for love.
***
I was pondering this thought during my late night reading of Eva's blog. Eva loved, a lot, which maybe was what got me thinking about love.
I'm loved too, a lot.
These past few days I'm just feeling it. This love is giving me hope and strength and courage.
I've had so many people reminding me in this past month that I am loved. Being loved makes me happy.
I made this little collection of cards on my wall. Eva had one, which is what gave me the idea. It's my wall of love. It's filled with cards and pictures by people who love me, and little things that remind me of being loved. It's pretty small right now (a dozen or so cards) but every time I look at it it makes me smile. There's cards my parents made for me in the hospital playroom when I was little, a birthday card I got in the mail today, letters and cards my friends made for me when I had my scopes last November, a birthday card I kept from my 9th Birthday that my Grandma wrote a poem in, a big huge card everybody at my old school signed for me when I came out of my coma, a card my 2 friends from SBW sent me. There's the little string of old bravery beads I used to tell my story when I was in the hospital the beginning of this month.
They all make me feel loved. It's pretty awesome.
There's not really a point to this post, no meaningful message, just love. Maybe love is the most meaningful message of all.
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return
I don't know why I started reading her blog, or why when I started I read through it all.
Pages and pages, so many entries written by a vibrant red headed girl.
She wrote about having CF, about her lung transplant, about rejection, about life, and love.
And I read all these entries. I read them as I was sitting in front of my computer after Taylor's memorial chat on SBW and when the pain in my stomach was so bad I thought maybe my appendix had burst.
I read them on my phone by the bathroom light as insomnia and pain kept me from sleeping.
I read them in the afternoon's, when I was too exhausted to do much and I wasn't sure why.
I finished reading them tonight...
I am amazed by this girl. Reading through her entries, she's gone some of the same places I have. I wonder, if I go there again, I could catch some of her crazy strength. I want some...
***
It was US Thanksgiving yesterday, and I've been reading posts by my US friends sharing what they're thankful for. Even though Canadian thanksgiving was a month ago, I am still so grateful.
I am thankful for love.
***
I was pondering this thought during my late night reading of Eva's blog. Eva loved, a lot, which maybe was what got me thinking about love.
I'm loved too, a lot.
These past few days I'm just feeling it. This love is giving me hope and strength and courage.
I've had so many people reminding me in this past month that I am loved. Being loved makes me happy.
I made this little collection of cards on my wall. Eva had one, which is what gave me the idea. It's my wall of love. It's filled with cards and pictures by people who love me, and little things that remind me of being loved. It's pretty small right now (a dozen or so cards) but every time I look at it it makes me smile. There's cards my parents made for me in the hospital playroom when I was little, a birthday card I got in the mail today, letters and cards my friends made for me when I had my scopes last November, a birthday card I kept from my 9th Birthday that my Grandma wrote a poem in, a big huge card everybody at my old school signed for me when I came out of my coma, a card my 2 friends from SBW sent me. There's the little string of old bravery beads I used to tell my story when I was in the hospital the beginning of this month.
They all make me feel loved. It's pretty awesome.
There's not really a point to this post, no meaningful message, just love. Maybe love is the most meaningful message of all.
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return
Monday, November 5, 2012
Thankful, Excited, Inspired
I'm thankful for writing, for the ability to write my heart out. It gives me clarity, and perspective, hope. Just being creative, I guess, always brings me back to that place where i can just be still.
I'm thankful for community. I've tried thinking of something else to go here, but nothing else seems to want to fit. The community I've been thrust into, in this time period after being diagnosed, is a lot different then the one I would have picked for myself. There's a lot of people in this little community that have surprised me, and a lot of people who aren't there that I thought would be. But it turns out this little community is exactly what I need. I always used to think, "Oh, I'm losing everything!" And I guess in a way I have lost a whole lot, but I think, now, I'm not losing, I'm just slowly rebuilding.
I'm excited for the journey ahead. Even though it's been hard, I think I'm also thankful for the journey of being undiagnosed. It was worth it. When I think of the journey ahead, of life after the diagnosis, I know it will be hard, but I'm excited for it.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Thanksgiving of 2012
I'm thankful for Maroon 5 songs on the radio
I am thankful for love, that I am loved, that I have people who love me, that I have a God who loves me
I'm thankful for gluten free thanksgiving dinners
I'm thankful for the ability to write, and make art, and make this world make a little more sense.
I'm thankful for emails on a Monday morning and hugs on a Thursday night and late night conversations on Wednesdays and Saturdays.
Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I was creating my thankful list. Thanksgiving apparently inspires in people the want of having something to be thankful for, and I am no exception, so I ticked things mentally off my list. Adam Levine on the radio, certain people who don't freak out when I pull out the crazy or don't respond to emails or cry on their couch, food and family and art.
And then I went deeper. What am I thankful for, really? And then the silent, still voice whispered back, "You're alive."
I'm alive, with every painful breath I take and every aching beat of my heart, I am alive. Though the pain is overwhelming at times, I am alive. I have lived to see another Thanksgiving.
Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I mean, if I'm brutally honest, sometimes i wonder if it's worth it. Often I think heaven would be better. But i don't want to die, I don't, I just don't know how to live yet. I don't know how to live without the blind hope and fighting every single minute of every single day to get answers.
So, this Thanksgiving, I am grateful to be alive. in Church yesterday, I told God that if He wasn't going to make me better, then He had to make something good come out of this. And I have to trust that He will, I have to. I can't just believe all of this is for nothing, that I am sick and in pain and suffering for no reason, that I have lost so much for nothing. There has to be something more, something has to come out of this, and even if I don't see that right now I have to believe it's coming.
I'm thankful for life today, that I am still here, still alive, still breathing. I am thankful that I am loved, and that the God I love - and who loves me - has a plan, bigger then I can ever imagine.
What are you thankful for today?
I am thankful for love, that I am loved, that I have people who love me, that I have a God who loves me
I'm thankful for gluten free thanksgiving dinners
I'm thankful for the ability to write, and make art, and make this world make a little more sense.
I'm thankful for emails on a Monday morning and hugs on a Thursday night and late night conversations on Wednesdays and Saturdays.
Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I was creating my thankful list. Thanksgiving apparently inspires in people the want of having something to be thankful for, and I am no exception, so I ticked things mentally off my list. Adam Levine on the radio, certain people who don't freak out when I pull out the crazy or don't respond to emails or cry on their couch, food and family and art.
And then I went deeper. What am I thankful for, really? And then the silent, still voice whispered back, "You're alive."
I'm alive, with every painful breath I take and every aching beat of my heart, I am alive. Though the pain is overwhelming at times, I am alive. I have lived to see another Thanksgiving.
Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I mean, if I'm brutally honest, sometimes i wonder if it's worth it. Often I think heaven would be better. But i don't want to die, I don't, I just don't know how to live yet. I don't know how to live without the blind hope and fighting every single minute of every single day to get answers.
So, this Thanksgiving, I am grateful to be alive. in Church yesterday, I told God that if He wasn't going to make me better, then He had to make something good come out of this. And I have to trust that He will, I have to. I can't just believe all of this is for nothing, that I am sick and in pain and suffering for no reason, that I have lost so much for nothing. There has to be something more, something has to come out of this, and even if I don't see that right now I have to believe it's coming.
I'm thankful for life today, that I am still here, still alive, still breathing. I am thankful that I am loved, and that the God I love - and who loves me - has a plan, bigger then I can ever imagine.
What are you thankful for today?
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Pity Parties and Thankfulness
Ok... Seriously?!?!
I was just having a mini pity party. It's been a really rough weekend, and I was just feeling really alone tonight.
It's the kind of alone you feel when you know there are so many people that love you and care about you, but you just feel like no one really understands.
I was trying to focus on the positive and be all bright and cheery but I really just wanted someone to talk to who I knew understood. I was just feeling... blah. And I knew I could pick up the phone and text any one of my friends and that they would offer a listening ear and words of support, but I didn't feel like bothering them.
So I logged on to SBW, and I did some planning (for that top secret idea that's becoming a reality) and I watched some videos on youtube of some other inspiring gals with chronic illness.
And then I logged into my email account... and there it was. It was a comment on my last blog post, and the one sentence that stuck out to me was, "Sometimes I think the hardest part of being young and ill is feeling alone. So I just wanted to remind you that you're not."
Perfect timing!
So yeah, I'm in a rough place tonight, and I do really want someone to understand. But I'm not alone in this.
So today I'm gonna be thankful for people, in the middle of this big mess.
I'm going to be thankful for my daddy, who's text message brightened my day. Only a few more days until he's home, and I can't wait!
I'm going to be thankful for my friend Jorge, who's birthday is actually today! Last night, when my whole rough weekend began, he was there to talk to me and I know he actually understood. Every time I talk to him, he makes me day. Love that guy, and am so thankful he volunteers his time to talk with us sick teens over on StarBright World.
I'm going to be thankful for the wonderful woman behind that perfectly timed blog comment, and for all of the wonderful gals over on youtube who so bravely share their stories of their chronic illness journeys. It reminds me that I'm not alone, and I am so honored to be part of such a wonderful group of people. (Ok, I was trying to figure out some way to put the secret society of the sick into that sentence, but I couldn't figure out how it would work. Brain fog! anyway, I love that term!)
So there's my 30 seconds of optimism today. Time to go check my blood sugar (Another wonderful side effect of this rough weekend) and get my pump ready. And then it's time to curl up and watch a chick flick.
What is your 30 second optimism break today? What are you thankful for? And if you're having a pity party tonight too, come join me! we'll be pitiful together!
I was just having a mini pity party. It's been a really rough weekend, and I was just feeling really alone tonight.
It's the kind of alone you feel when you know there are so many people that love you and care about you, but you just feel like no one really understands.
I was trying to focus on the positive and be all bright and cheery but I really just wanted someone to talk to who I knew understood. I was just feeling... blah. And I knew I could pick up the phone and text any one of my friends and that they would offer a listening ear and words of support, but I didn't feel like bothering them.
So I logged on to SBW, and I did some planning (for that top secret idea that's becoming a reality) and I watched some videos on youtube of some other inspiring gals with chronic illness.
And then I logged into my email account... and there it was. It was a comment on my last blog post, and the one sentence that stuck out to me was, "Sometimes I think the hardest part of being young and ill is feeling alone. So I just wanted to remind you that you're not."
Perfect timing!
So yeah, I'm in a rough place tonight, and I do really want someone to understand. But I'm not alone in this.
So today I'm gonna be thankful for people, in the middle of this big mess.
I'm going to be thankful for my daddy, who's text message brightened my day. Only a few more days until he's home, and I can't wait!
I'm going to be thankful for my friend Jorge, who's birthday is actually today! Last night, when my whole rough weekend began, he was there to talk to me and I know he actually understood. Every time I talk to him, he makes me day. Love that guy, and am so thankful he volunteers his time to talk with us sick teens over on StarBright World.
I'm going to be thankful for the wonderful woman behind that perfectly timed blog comment, and for all of the wonderful gals over on youtube who so bravely share their stories of their chronic illness journeys. It reminds me that I'm not alone, and I am so honored to be part of such a wonderful group of people. (Ok, I was trying to figure out some way to put the secret society of the sick into that sentence, but I couldn't figure out how it would work. Brain fog! anyway, I love that term!)
So there's my 30 seconds of optimism today. Time to go check my blood sugar (Another wonderful side effect of this rough weekend) and get my pump ready. And then it's time to curl up and watch a chick flick.
What is your 30 second optimism break today? What are you thankful for? And if you're having a pity party tonight too, come join me! we'll be pitiful together!
Friday, June 1, 2012
7 Quick Takes ~ Grateful Edition
In This season of life, I so often forget what I'm thankful for. It's getting harder and harder to choose joy and to take a moment in the chaos that has become my life and choose gratitude. So... here's my moment of gratitude...
1. I am grateful for the good news that came with the results of my friend's CT scan today. She's such an amazing person, and ever since I got the news that something was wrong and that she would need this test, I was covering her in prayer, so hearing this news today was such a blessing. I am so happy for her.
2. I'm thankful for emails from a friend that are always so full of hope and so inspiring to me. This woman is truly amazing, and I am grateful she takes time out of her day to send me these little bits of inspiration and hope. She is such an amazing woman of God, and I am so grateful I have her in my life.
3. I'm thankful for my math tutor, Melody, who is really wonderful at helping me understand all the complications that come along with high school math! Also, I just found out, the first assignment I got since working with her, I actually passed! *insert happy dance here*
4. I am thankful for my friend Sami (You can see some of her writings here and here) She's such an amazing person, and I am so grateful that I'm able to call her my friend. Very rarely in this life do you find people that actually get it, and Sami is one of those people that do get it. I don't know if there are any words to describe how much she means to me, but just so you know, Sami, I am so thankful for you!
5. A little idea spinning around, a passion shared that is looking like it's coming closer to finally being able to touch. I can't tell you a lot about it, but I am very excited...
6. For the long weekend, for resting and relaxing and breathing and reading blog posts that connect with you in ways that make you long for a place you've never been, and for the parade here tomorrow and for sunshine.
7. For memories and dreams of someone who is now heaven's angel. As much as it hurts to wake up and remember they're gone, it's a wonderful thing to remember, and to dream.
So there's my 7 moments of gratitude. I hope everybody has a great, grateful weekend!
1. I am grateful for the good news that came with the results of my friend's CT scan today. She's such an amazing person, and ever since I got the news that something was wrong and that she would need this test, I was covering her in prayer, so hearing this news today was such a blessing. I am so happy for her.
2. I'm thankful for emails from a friend that are always so full of hope and so inspiring to me. This woman is truly amazing, and I am grateful she takes time out of her day to send me these little bits of inspiration and hope. She is such an amazing woman of God, and I am so grateful I have her in my life.
3. I'm thankful for my math tutor, Melody, who is really wonderful at helping me understand all the complications that come along with high school math! Also, I just found out, the first assignment I got since working with her, I actually passed! *insert happy dance here*
4. I am thankful for my friend Sami (You can see some of her writings here and here) She's such an amazing person, and I am so grateful that I'm able to call her my friend. Very rarely in this life do you find people that actually get it, and Sami is one of those people that do get it. I don't know if there are any words to describe how much she means to me, but just so you know, Sami, I am so thankful for you!
5. A little idea spinning around, a passion shared that is looking like it's coming closer to finally being able to touch. I can't tell you a lot about it, but I am very excited...
6. For the long weekend, for resting and relaxing and breathing and reading blog posts that connect with you in ways that make you long for a place you've never been, and for the parade here tomorrow and for sunshine.
7. For memories and dreams of someone who is now heaven's angel. As much as it hurts to wake up and remember they're gone, it's a wonderful thing to remember, and to dream.
So there's my 7 moments of gratitude. I hope everybody has a great, grateful weekend!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
All that is bitter and sweet
Today, I was sitting down to do school. a normal occurance in a day of the life of me. So I picked up my math book, and after spending nearly 10 minutes trying to figure out this stupid thing, I decided to consult the answer key. I don't normally do this, but today's problems were really tough, and sometimes just looking at the answer key and seeing how they did a problem helps me figure it out too. So I was looking at the answer key. and I sort of got it. But After about 6 of these dumb problems, I realized my blood sugar was dropping. Good reason to stop math? I think so. I finished up the page and shut the book, going on to make myself a bagel. SO... Here's what I think. I shouldn't have to do anymore of this math if it makes my blood sugars go low. I know it's a shot in the dark, and I probably won't stop, but it sounds good at the moment. Once I get it, I actually like it. It's the learning part that's hard. And I think my math book could explain it better. Or at least use those little cartoon picture things. Yeah, it's safe to say math was not my friend today. Sometimes it is, but today, it was not.
But... what I am thankful for today...
But... what I am thankful for today...
- Missions team meeting tonight!!!
- Today, at coffee break, I spent the morning spoiling little girls. A great start to any day
- Hiding Easter eggs, a cheap thrill
- Yummy food
- Getting music that is, supposedly, going to make me smarter (see if it works)
- Great friends that make me happy
- Now, relaxing. What's that saying about all work and no play? Well, this is the play part :)
Have an amazingly wonderful rest of the day, and don't forget to smile (Even if you are faced with evil math books that are out to get you)
Monday, April 4, 2011
Smiles and Blessings
make sure to smile today :) Even when everything seems like it's going wrong, there's always something to be thankful for. Today is not a good day. It's stressful and crazy, and I'm exhausted. It seems like everything is going wrong, and I'm ready to just lay in the sunshine and sleep. But then I saw this quote this morning, written by my friend, on her caring bridge page. I wish I could tell you I saw this and it changed my whole day. It didn't. I wish I could say I was finding little things to be thankful for, but I'm not. Every time I ignore those tiny blessings, I just feel a little bit guilty. It's so easy to overlook them, to focus on what's bad, instead of all those tiny things that make the day good. I know, because I've been there. I'm there right now. But I know there has to be something in this day worth being thankful for. I know there has to be something out there. So I'm going to step around the mess, step out of the crazy, and step outside. I am going to feel the sun on my face, and smile. I am going to look at the world around me, and see all those little blessings, that God has put there, just to remind me that He loves me. And maybe, on a day where everything seems to be going wrong, that will be enough. He loves me, and that is enough. He's holding me, because I can't stand any longer. and I'm going to smile, because He loves me. So I challenge you, just like my friend challenged me, find one thing that makes you smile today. One thing that you can be thankful for. Maybe you'll be having a day like mine, where the only thing that you can be thankful for is that God loves you, and that you're not alone. And that's ok. Because He loves you, and that is more then enough
Monday, March 7, 2011
The little things
Sometimes it's the little things that make a big difference in a day. Those little things that make you smile but don't really seem that big when you think back. Recently, I've started making a list before I go to bed of everything I was thankful for in that day. I come up with things like an amazing youth group who makes me laugh, grey's anatomy nights, that feeling of peace or love or joy or whatever I'm feeling that day, talking to my friends or comments from people that made my day. Before I started making my lists, I would think back over my day, but I wouldn't see those tiny details that made all the difference. I wouldn't think that I was so thankful for grey's anatomy because it was a break I needed and it gave me something to look forward to all day. I wouldn't think that what that person said to me at church made me smile. I would focus on everything bad that happened that day, like failing a test or getting bad news or having a fight with a friend. I'm realizing that the little things can have a big impact on my day. I'm thankful for those little things that make me smile and give me hope on a crappy day. The little things that give me hope every day reminds me of how blessed I really am. And when I start actually telling God that I am thankful for those things, things start to change. It's not all, today was so horrible. it turns into, today was horrible BUT I found hope in this or this made me smile and gave me the strength to keep going. It's in those little things where I find hope on a day where I just can't do it anymore.
So, here are some of the things I am thankful for on this fine day
1. pink pens
2. getting to show the new hosts the ropes, and being frozen by Jill so she could test out the buttons (SBW)
3. Lovely new Erynn Mangum books that make me laugh and cry all at the same time (Maybe I'll review one soon)
4. random conversations
ok, so that's just some of the things I am thankful for today. What are you thankful for today? What's giving you hope?
So, here are some of the things I am thankful for on this fine day
1. pink pens
2. getting to show the new hosts the ropes, and being frozen by Jill so she could test out the buttons (SBW)
3. Lovely new Erynn Mangum books that make me laugh and cry all at the same time (Maybe I'll review one soon)
4. random conversations
ok, so that's just some of the things I am thankful for today. What are you thankful for today? What's giving you hope?
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