I am... Imperfect

I’m not a perfect girl. My hair doesn’t always stay in place and I spill things a lot. I’m pretty clumsy and sometimes have a broken heart. My friends and I sometimes fight and maybe some days nothing goes right. but when I think about it and take a step back, I remember how amazing life truly is and that maybe, just maybe I like being imperfect.

Wishes

No kid wants to be special. I mean, when you’re a kid, and as you grow up and enter your teen years, no one wants to be special. You want to be average, you want to be normal, and you want to fit in. But you don’t want to be special, unique or different from everyone else. No kid wants to be special. When I was little I used to wish on stars, on birthday candles, on wish chips, to just be like everybody else. I wanted to be normal, I wanted to fit in. I would just wish to have a chance at a normal life. It might be just me, but I don’t think that’s what normal kids wish for on their birthdays, a chance to live without being in the prison of their disease. But I would wish that I would be normal. I didn’t want to be special. I wanted to fit in. I didn’t want to live in a world of hospitals and tests and doctors. I wanted to live in a world where I had no limits. Where I could do everything, be everything and no longer be in this prison. As I’m growing older, I don’t wish for that anymore. The only limits I have are the ones I set for myself. I may not feel like it some days, but it’s true. I can do anything I set my mind to. I don’t need wishing stars or birthday candles. I am going to fight. I am going to fight and win. Not on wishing stars, but by fighting. I am going to fight every day, and when I don’t think I can fight anymore, I’m going to keep going and fight anyways. I am not going to give up. I am going to win this battle. Not by wishing it away, but by fighting with everything I am.

Beauty from Pain

I was watching some old home movies today. I was watching them, and watching me, but it was like I was watching someone else. I was watching me, watching the easy way I was talking about being sick a lot and being in the hospital a lot. and it was like I was watching someone else. I know that I was watching me. But it was like I wasn't. I wasn't connecting the two, even though it's the same person. I was watching me, and my heart was breaking for this little girl who so easily talked about being sick. No little kid should talk so easily about being sick. About being in the hospitals so much and being sick lots. I was watching her/me, and I was hurting for her. I didn't want her to have to live like that, not when she was so young. I was hurting for her, because she was so little, and she should just get to be a kid. She shouldn't be talking so easily about being sick. I was watching her/me, and thinking it wasn't fair. And then, something clicked, and I realized that the little girl was me. I realized that the girl who was talking so easily about sickness and hospitals, was me. This girl who was having to deal with being sick when she should just be dealing with being a kid, was me. And my heart was breaking for her. I realized, watching little me, that a lot of people would say the same things about me right now. I should just be dealing with being a teenager. Not being sick. Not doctors and tests and constantly being aware. Lots of people would say that I'm too young for that. and maybe I am. But it feels normal to me. A little girl, a teenager, having to worry about being sick. ALL THE TIME. that's not fair, is it? It doesn't seem fair. I'm too young. That girl in the home movies is too young. It's not fair. But who said this world was fair? Growing up sick, as unfair as it is, has taught me so much, given me so much. It has taught me that I'm stronger then I know. It has taught me that the only limits I have are the one's I set for myself. It's showed me who I am. I've questioned God, and seen miracles. I've met so many people I would have never met otherwise. I've grown and changed, and learned that every single day counts, because it could be your last. I've learned, and am still learning, to never take anything for granted. I've learned what's importent in life. I've seen God's power in very real ways. And I know, that in the times when I can't deal with this anymore, that God's grace is enough for me. He'll be strong when I can't. He'll hold me when I can no longer stand. I've learned so much. So, as unfair as it all is, with all the times I just want to be normal, with all the times I don't want to have to be strong anymore, even with all of that, I wouldn't trade it. Because when I focus on the blessings and the opportunities, I don't think I would change a thing. I have seen Beauty rise from Pain

Choices

Choices. Life is full of them. Big one's, little one's, one's that could change your life forever. Yes or no. Up or down. In or out. To love or hate. To fight of give in. To live or die. We all come to a cross road. Two choices, one possible outcome. Which road? And what if we make the wrong choice? So many what if's. People can tell you what they think you should do, but in the end, it's your choice. You decide. When you were little, your parents made every choice for you. What you should wear on sundays, what you were going to eat, who was going to come and you were going to play with. But as you get older, people expect you to make your own choices, and the choices get harder. We are suddenly responsible for our own future, and that's a scary idea. Sometimes we don't even know what the right choice is. And sometimes, the lines are so blurred we can't even tell if we're making the right choice. Choices mean that everything could change. and I don't 'do' change. Change is scary. Change means you are leaving behind what you know and are venturing out into a new world. Choices mean change, and change means scary. In short form, that means Choices are scary. Choices mean new. New means leaving what we have, stepping out and believing that, maybe, things will be better on the other side. Choices can change everything. And there's always the thought 'what if I make the wrong choice.' and that's scary. Having your future, your life, in your hands and knowing that whatever you choose is going to affect it. It's a big responsibility. And somewhere along the line, all those choices fall on you. no one's going to make these choices for you. You're growing up. You are forced to make your own choices, and things will change. You're not in that safe place anymore. You are coming out on your own. You are on your own. It's your life, your future, your game. YOURS. Choices mean change and change means scary. It's good to be scared. It means you have something to lose. Here's the thing. Sometimes, change is good. Sometimes those choices you make that change everything are necessary for taking a step forward. So make that choice. Yes, everything could change. Yes, you could make the wrong choice. Yes, that is scary. But would you rather stay where you are, forever? Choices are necessary to help us grow. They change us. You grew up and you are in charge, of your life, of your future. It's your choice. Which road you take is up to you. It's up to you. You are on your own. So be on your own. Make this choice and welcome the change it brings. One choice. Two options. One result. You have to pick one. Yes or no. Up or down. In or out. To love or hate. To fight or give in. To live or die.

Perfect People

There's no such thing as perfect people there's no such thing as a perfect life So come as you are, broken and scarred Life up your life and be amazed and be changed By a perfect God

Smiles and Blessings

make sure to smile today :) Even when everything seems like it's going wrong, there's always something to be thankful for. Today is not a good day. It's stressful and crazy, and I'm exhausted. It seems like everything is going wrong, and I'm ready to just lay in the sunshine and sleep. But then I saw this quote this morning, written by my friend, on her caring bridge page. I wish I could tell you I saw this and it changed my whole day. It didn't. I wish I could say I was finding little things to be thankful for, but I'm not. Every time I ignore those tiny blessings, I just feel a little bit guilty. It's so easy to overlook them, to focus on what's bad, instead of all those tiny things that make the day good. I know, because I've been there. I'm there right now. But I know there has to be something in this day worth being thankful for. I know there has to be something out there. So I'm going to step around the mess, step out of the crazy, and step outside. I am going to feel the sun on my face, and smile. I am going to look at the world around me, and see all those little blessings, that God has put there, just to remind me that He loves me. And maybe, on a day where everything seems to be going wrong, that will be enough. He loves me, and that is enough. He's holding me, because I can't stand any longer. and I'm going to smile, because He loves me. So I challenge you, just like my friend challenged me, find one thing that makes you smile today. One thing that you can be thankful for. Maybe you'll be having a day like mine, where the only thing that you can be thankful for is that God loves you, and that you're not alone. And that's ok. Because He loves you, and that is more then enough

My heart speaks lyrics

Ok, my friend Emii inspired me to do this, because she did one on her own blog. So here it is. Lyrics. Songs. I'll give you a line or two of a song and... you've gotta tell me what it is. the rules: -- No Googling Ok, here's the lyrics. You tell me what song it is. Ready... If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? See if you guys can get it. It might be kinda hard, I don't know how popular this song is or whatever, but it's been stuck in my head since Thursday (Hint hint) Just give me the name of the song. Ready.... GO!