Cynicism and Nostalgia

I want to tell you how Tim McGraw is my favorite Taylor Swift song, and I’m not sure why, except it makes me feel nostalgic for a boy I never even knew. I want to tell you about movies, how I can never stay awake through the end, and that one time, in the dark basement, huddled under my favorite zebra blanket, I fell asleep like usual, and my best friend shifted next to me, letting my head fall onto his shoulder. I want you to ask me about adventures and tell me about your adventures, all the nights you stayed out, wished on shooting stars, wishing again and again that the night would never end, swinging high into the air at the elementary school playground in the middle of the night, tipping your head back to gaze at the stars, letting your hair drag across the ground and shrieking with laughter when a boy you’ve just met grabs your waist and, “I shouldn’t have told you I was ticklish!” and he just laughs back at you, and I want to tell you about the time I broke into a church and we ate Popsicles in the back room, ducking down whenever headlights grazed across the window, and I want to tell you about standing outside a boy’s house, everyone with their arms wrapped tight around their bodies to block out the cold, and I want to tell you about his mom inviting everyone in, and shivering on a wooden chair inside his house while you sip hot chocolate in an effort to warm up. Tell me about the way you grip onto memories with white knuckles, refusing to ever let go of them.

Reading this makes me nostalgic for a place I only went to once and a person I don't look like anymore.
Summer turns into Winter and people change and grow up and I know all of these things. I know that never again will things be like they were in that memory that I hold on to with white knuckles.
I'm much more cynical now then I was when I was that girl in the memory - the one who believed in magic. I felt more free then, more alive and bursting within my own skin, more passionate and spontaneous and I loved without questions. It's kind of hard to believe i was that girl once.
Sometimes I ask myself what I would do one thing for myself, one self indulgent moment, one moment of feeling totally spontaneous and alive, what I would do.

I was a lot less cynical once, believe it or not. I believed in the world, I had faith in myself, I had faith in other people, I trusted life a little more.

If I could do one thing, anything, I think I would write a million words that all felt like coming home. None of these words I write are what I think they will be about. Some of them are about desperation and heart ache, but some of them are beautiful, about life in all of it's forms, but mostly, whenever I write these words, they taste hopeful to me.

And so, after a night of fierce desperation and panic and frustration, I whisper the words I wish would be true:
Help me release Cynicism.
Help me let go of bitterness and frustration.
Help me release the cynicism about where I belong and who I am now.
Help me remember I belong here, that I am the girl who dances barefoot to Ed Sheeran love songs on the radio that sound like break up songs.

This week I began writing my story, the birth story, the death story, every minute of this transition from the girl in the memory to this one, and hopefully back again. A year ago writing the words I'm writing now would have felt so far away from the me I thought I was.
But it is my journey, my story, my truth. It is empowering and inspiring and hopeful. And I am working on releasing that cynicism and the bitterness, the unforgiveness and the pain. It's a long, hard road, but I'm working on it.

So I keep writing words that feel like home, and it makes me nostalgic for that girl I don't look like anymore, and for the place I loved once upon a time.

Washing Feet and Changing Hearts

I read a blog post today about my friend, and why she chose not to go on a missions trip to Vancouver. She recognized the need in her own community, and wanted to help there. I'm proud of her, for putting out there what she thought. At the bottom of the post was a link to a set of articles on short term missions and the negative aspects. I think it's safe to say I wasn't in agreement with those articles. I agree, some churches do missions trips like some college kids do spring break - hanging out on the beaches. They get support for being "Good Christians" and going on a missions trip. They raise thousands of dollars, and go to some place where they do charity work and pretend that they are so much better then these people. I agree with that, because some churches DO do missions trips like kids do spring break. But the way these articles were written I felt like all short term missions teams were grouped together. Some of the title headings of these articles were "Sorry poor people, it's not about you." and "using your poor kids to teach my rich kid a lesson." I'll let you take from these articles what you will, but I was offended at the way she handled this.

I was contemplating writing this article before what happened this afternoon. This afternoon Uncle Trevor came by. For those of you (Ok for most of you) who don't know who Uncle Trevor is, he worked at Grace Point, the Church plant we worked at while we were in inner city Winnipeg. He was down for a family gathering (He's the brother of the pastor at our church) and they borrowed some stuff so they came by to drop it off. I didn't think I was going to see him before he left, so having him drop by was a nice surprise.

I think what our team did on the missions trip wasn't like kids let loose for spring break. The trip wasn't about us, it was about the people we were going there to serve. Sure, it changed my heart and the way I look at life, but it wasn't about me. I was there to serve, and to love and I felt God calling me there to love His children. that was why I went. It was never about me. Would I say it made a lasting impact on me, yes. It has changed the way I look at life. Still, 6 months later, I am finding all these little effects that have come up from the missions trip. and yes, it did teach me to be grateful for what I have, but so does looking at pictures of people in third world countries. What I learned was bigger then just being grateful. It was more then just going there to have a spiritual experience and for me, even though I did end up getting so much out of it. There is so much more I could say on this subject, but I'll finish with this. I did get so much out of it, and I did gain appreciation for my life and I did have those spiritual moments, but I served, and I loved, and I laughed, and I played, and I learned.

John 13: 12-14

When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet.

If you want to read the article I mentioned written by my friend, you can find it here: http://www.thestoryofmeandmyposse.blogspot.com/2012/01/reason-im-not-going-on-missions-trip.html

This also includes the link to those other posts I was talking about

Sharing Sunday

Yesterday was our sharing Sunday at church, a chance to tell the church congregation all about our experiences on the trip. Like I said before, my youth pastor had asked me to talk about working with the kids at Grace Point. It took me over the course of 2 days to write down what I was going to say, and even then it didn't totally cover exactly how I felt, but it came as close as I could with only mere words.
That morning I was a bundle of nerves. I wasn't really nervous until that point, but that morning, it was definatly real. We prayed before the service, all 12 of us gathered around a table in the back. We practised where we would stand to sing, where we would stand to speak, where we would sit when other people spoke, where we would sit when the slide shows played, things of the sort. Finally the service began.
Thank goodness I was scheduled to go near the begining (Third in) because I don't think I could have handled sitting there with all my nerves any longer. I fidgeted in my seat as the two people before me gave their speeches. Finally it was my turn. Taking a deep breath, I stood. It was then I heard the whispered encouragement from the person sitting next to me, "You'll do fine, I promise."
Those were the words that carried me through my speech, as I clung to the podium, my legs shaking violently. Those were the words I held on to as I hurried through my speech (Only stopping to breathe 3 times, according to one of my other team mates, I was told. Apparently I talk really fast when I'm nervous.) Those were the words swirling around in my head as I returned to my seat once I had finished, my legs still shaking, my head still light. And as my team mates offered their congratulations, I realized this said person had been right, I was fine.
During everyone else's speeches, we talked silently among ourselves. We talked about being nervous, offering each other whispered words of encouragement. We tried to decide who would cry as they were talking, and pointed out whose mom was crying at that moment. I think our casual conversation was a way to ease the nerves we felt.
Now Sharing Sunday is over, and I almost want it not to be. Not that I particularly enjoyed those crazy nerves, but because now we're all going our seperate ways. After appx. 6 months with these guys, it's all over. We're all going our seperate ways, to college or back to school, back to the hectic schedule of our lives.
I've grown to love these people more then I ever thought I would. They're like family to me now, and after everything we've shared, it's hard to be moving on.

With All The Words In The World...

Today my youth pastor asked me to do something I'm not sure I'll be able to do, put into words the experience I had with the kids at Grace Point. Grace Point and the experiences I had there are high points of this trip for me. They are experiences that changed me and taught me so much, causing me to grow and learn. Putting these experiences into words is another matter entirely. How I'll put into words the amazing time I had there escapes me. How I'll put into words the things of God that happened while we were there, the relationships I built with some pretty amazing kids and the experiences and realizations I had that changed me, I have no idea. One thing I know for sure, if I want to describe Grace Point, really describe it, and my time there I'm going to need more then just a few minutes. To tell all the stories that touched my heart, to describe all of the people that impacted me so greatly, to talk about everything I learned on this trip, I'll need more like a few hours, if not more. The experiences I had at Grace Point were like a story written by God's own fingers. Every piece of that portion of our trip was more then I could have ever imagined. I was blessed in ways I didn't even know I was able to be blessed in, challenged in ways I didn't know I could be challenged in, grown in ways I didn't know I could be grown in. And even with all the words our there, how, may I ask, do you find words to describe what can only be described as a God thing?

My prayers are with a family whose little girl, only 10 months old, went to be with Jesus yesterday. She had problems with her heart and on her 10 month birthday, she finally went home. She's not in pain anymore, and she had no more struggles and a perfect heart. Please pray for her family as they grieve the loss of their baby girl.

How He Loves

July 23
I have appx. 15 minutes before I wake my girls up to leave, but I wanted to journal quick. Last night was the concert and talent show. The concert was amazing. As soon as the band came up, I was thinking 'what have we gotten outselves in to?' But it turned out fine. The last song they sang is How He loves (A favorite around camp.) Everybody crammed into the aisles. Some of our team was packed in beside each other, and we all draped our arms around each other, including all the children, waymakers and other staff who stood along the way. A few other groups followed our lead. Lots of hands were raised and our voices drowned out the band. There, in that moment, praising God and holding and being held, I had one thought... "This is it." This is it, the spiritual WOW moment. This is it, this sense of belonging and love and worship. This was 'it.' After the concert, we had a rushed cabin devotion time and then it was time for the talent show. After, when we were all finally in bed, the girls asked me to sing. So I did. I sang every song from my childhood, every hymn and every camp song, worship song or other christian song I could think of. I sang for a bit, before Sandy requested a song of her own. She sang How He Loves and cried. Hearing my girls this in to it nearly melted my heart. It's hard to believe they're leaving today.

later that night
I'm not entirely ready for this trip to be over. I'm excited to go home and tell people, but I'm not ready to leave this team, my 'family.' I want to go back to Winnipeg and love on Karlee and the other kids. I want to see miracles happen with another group of campers at camp. These 2 weeks taught me so much, about depending on God for everything, about loving the ones that might not be the easiest to love, about how everyone has a story. I've loved lots, served lots and been blessed 1000x's more. I never thought God would work in the ways that He did. Slowly, He crept up on me, surrounding me, covering me with His love. I'm proud of myself for going. This trip was amazing, plain and simple. Even if it wasn't what I had imagined and even if God didn't use the stuff I thought He should, it was amazing. I couldn't have asked for anything more

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzfPHnoT0-0
(Not as amazing as hearing all the kids at camp sing it at the top of their lungs, but amazing none the less.)

New Birth Announcements

July 20 ~ Chance became a Christian!
July 21 ~ August became a Christian!
July 21 ~ Elese became a Christian!
July 21 ~ Sandy became a Christian!

4 of the girls in my cabin at camp accepted Christ! I remember after they had all prayed I was so excited I was just bouncing around. It was so amazing! I had loved these girls all week, prayed for them and with them and showed them God's love, and then they accepted Christ! Ah, It was just AWESOME! I was given the privelege of praying with a couple of these beautiful girls. I got to introduce them to the only one who will never leave them, who loves them unconditionally.

What We Do...

Puppets!

So Much Maffia! A favorite past time of ours

Our Arizona and Reese Puffs. Just for the record, I did not consume any of these.

Rockin' out in the van on the way home, highly entertaining

Knight of the Broom and Dustpan

Yes, We gave him that. Our 'stylist' didn't do that bad of a job. The mullet didn't look half bad



So here's a peek into what we did during our spare time on the missions trip. We had lots of fun and laughed lots. These people made the experience so amazing, and I love them all

Tiny Victories

July 15
"I played with Karlee until Liza clung to me, afraid of the water, but so desperatly wanting to go down the slip and slide. I scooped the dark skinned beauty into my arms and held her tight against my chest. She wove her small fingers into my hair, relaxing in my embrace. Many times, I coaxed her to come near the water, but every splash sent her running back to the safety I provided. We, Nick, Carissa and I, finally got this little girl to the slip and slide. I blocked the stream of water that was coming from the sprinklers as she slid. It warmed my heart to see tiny Liza sliding down the tarp, her laughter echoing. After my tiny victory with Liza, Mitch mentioned that Karlee was gone. After scanning the area for myself, I agreed. Karlee was no where to be found. I found her shoes were gone, and panic set in. Praying frantically, singing softly and trying not to appear as frazzled as I felt, I searched for my blonde haired, blue eyed beauty. For a few minutes I searched, hoping for just a glimpse of her green cast. When I saw her and Jon (One of the church staff there who helps out with the kids program) crossing the road from the church to the park, relief filled my heart. I spent a little while sitting with Karlee before going to clean off my legs in the sprinkler. Much to my surprise, Liza was there, laughing. Every time the water hit her, she squealed. We giggled ans splahed until Cassia (The leader of the kids program) announced it was time to go. We had cupcakes, and then all the kids left"

This was a journal entry I wrote about the happenings of that day, July 15.
Quickly, in other news, I went back to the doctor today, because the meds I was on that were supposed to help me get better, didn't work. Everything came back while I was on the trip. So I went back to the doctor today and she put me on both of the meds again and we have to go back to see the GI doctor in Edmonton again. Please keep me in your prayers, and I'll try and keep everyone updated best I can.

Wordless Wednesday

I'm not in this picture cause I'm taking it, but this is our team and some of the kids who came to the daycamp program we helped out with while working at Grace Point in Winnipeg

My Girl ~ A Story from my Trip

She was shy and quiet, trying to hide in the backround. The other kids were playing the game, and the other leaders trying to control the crowd, so she was succeeding. I had gone inside to talk to our youth pastor about getting a chair brought out for the game that was being played. On my way out, he, one of the other members of our team, stopped me. "Talk to her." After pointing me in the right direction, I went up to her. I said hello, then asked her to come play the game with me. She declined. Trying to convince her that it would be fun, even offering to run along side her, I tried again. Again, she refused. Only after telling her that both me and the guy who had introduced me to her would run beside her did she agree. So we did, me on her right, him on her left, following her down the field, cheering. After our little game was finished, the other kids went across the street to the park to play baseball. My sweet girl didn't want to play, but we went across to the park anyway. We found a raspberry bush, and began picking. Next to the area where we were picking berries was a patch of leaves, sort of like cabbage leaves. Anyway, my girl decided to pick some, deciding it would be fun to throw them at the only guy in our three some. Laughing her sweet giggle, she continued her attack, the leaves flying from her hand. I stood there, listening to them laugh. It was beautiful, I decided. I soon joined in the fun, tossing a few leaves of my own, my own laughter adding to the mix. It was then I fell in love with my girl

The picture is of my girl, and my friend who introduced us, Mitch

I'm home!!!!

I'm back at home, safe and sound.
I had an amazing time! It was so awesome, and I definatly saw God at work during our time in the inner city, and at the Bible camp.
I'm so tired now, but if I had the choice to go back and do it all over again, I so would.
So stay tuned for more stories about my trip, and there will be some, but for now, know that I am at home, safe and that God is good!
Thanks for all your prayers for me and my team on this trip

Missions Trip

I can't believe it's really Friday. That means my missions trip oficially starts tomorrow! I've been doing a count down in my journal, and as the numbers got smaller and smaller, I got more and more nervous. I'm excited, definatly, but really nervous too. Now the trip starts tomorrow and the excitement is catching up with me. This will be my last post until I get home, somewhere around July 24th. Our first week is going to be spent working in Inner City Winnipeg. There's no real schedule there, but we're going to be doing some missions stuff and then we're running a day camp/ drop in program for some of the kids in the community. The days will be long, but I'm excited. The second week we're heading over to a Native Bible Camp in northern Manitoba. We're basically just complimenting the staff they already have there. We're going to be co-leading some cabins, doing some odd jobs that they need done and just doing anything they need us to do. You know how most camps are divided by age? Well this one is divided by native reserves. So the week we're going there, it's going to be ages 6-16 (Or something like that.)
Today I'm leaving for Emonton with my mom, grandpa, brothers and sister. They're going to be staying with my dad's family, who lives in Manitoba, and then some of my grandpa's friends in Saskatchewan. The missions team would have been leaving the church at 3:30 am! I would have had to be hooked up in the vehicle, and for some reason that does not sound like a good idea today. They're going to pick me up on their way though Edmonton, closer to 8:00am.
I'm still not feeling 100%. After I stopped the meds, the hardness in my stomach came back. I'd been having a little bit of pain through out the time I was taking my meds. Whatever this thing is, the meds didn't take care of it. The doctor is gone until I'm gone, and I didn't want any treatments or further testing before I go anyway. I'm bringing along some Motrin for the pain, but that's it. So let's pray I feel good for this trip. I'm kind of worried about working the long days and what it will do to my blood sugars, but I guess I'll just have to keep a CONSTANT eye on them.
Pray for me as I go on this trip. Pray for the people I will meet, the people in the inner city and the kids at camp. Pray that I would feel well on this trip and not get too exhausted. Pray for the team and the challenges we will come across. Just Pray!
I can't wait to tell you guys all about it when I get home.

What's been Going on...

It feels like I'm on a merry-go-round and just forgot to get off. So much has happened in the last few days, it's crazy.
I finished some more school today, Spelling and my elective, Missions. I should be done L.A sometime next week. I am slowly but surely checking things off my list.
I'm still on that one kind of meds, which are definatly not being kind to me. Yesterday, my stomach was acting up and I had nausea almost all day. I haven't had near as many pain episodes though. I had one this morning, and that was the first one since Wednesday, when before I would have been having 12+ a day. The sores in my mouth are getting better, it's not so hard to eat now, so that's a good thing. I've had a couple of fevers, either that or I've been really really hot (aren't they the same thing?) My energy still isn't back up, but I'm only sleeping a few afternoon's a week (Ha! Don't I sound old?)
I'm leaving on the missions trip in 15 days! 15! It sounds so close now, and I'm trying not to freak out. I'm soooooo nervous, excited, but so nervous at the same time. I know it's just over 2 weeks away, but 15 days, wow!
My friend got a lung transplant yesterday! He was called into the hospital on Wednesday night, and was in surgery all day yesterday. He's in the ICU right now, but that's about all I know. It's so good that he got these lungs though. Just goes to show that organ donation saves lives (But you already knew that, right?) He's such a strong person, and he's there for everybody, no matter what. I think it's cool that now we get to be strong for him. Anyway, you could keep him in your prayers.
And just for all of you, who were taken with my story of the half dead fly, I have a sequel. There was a spider in my room today. I didn't scream, though. I smushed him, and he did not come back to life. Aren't you proud of me :)

Comedy Night

Last night was comedy night. I arrived at the church just before 5, and had pizza with the team before getting to work. We had to re-film my video piece (The one thing that made me the most nervous) and do some other movie editing stuff, before we actually got to rehearsing. We ran through the whole thing once, and then it was time for the people to arrive. By then, a lot of us were getting nervous. We ran around, setting up the desserts for the auction and the snacks and the drinks. Then the program started. We got through the whole thing, and did it pretty well, I think. We had intermission, and then the dessert auction. That was really fun, and there were some really cool desserts, like the hamburger cake, or the rubix cube. After all the desserts were sold, it was time to clean up. The guys were putting the chairs away while the girls manned the dishwashers. All in all, it was a really good night. It was a really fun night, tiring, but lots of fun. The missions team is a great group of people, and I'm really excited about getting to hang out with them and 'live' with them for 2 weeks this summer. But Comedy Night was a success, and it was lots of fun!