Sunday, September 28, 2014
I barely have time to run them over in my hands until they disappear, vanishing into the past as softly and silently as they had become my present.
I can't believe September is almost over.
It feels like only days ago that I packed my bags for college, setting out on a new adventure
With such clarity I remember the homesickness that shook me to my core. I was convinced I would never grow to love this place.
Now, as my first month here comes to a close, I am left with a heart full of memories and new excitements waiting on the horizon
September has consisted of board games and water fights, spontaneous coffee runs and staying up late, hours spent pouring over homework and more hours spent avoiding it.
It's been bearing my soul, giving birth to this story that is inside of me, listening, learning, laughing, loving.
September was making new friends, making memories, and learning what it means to be fearless.
It's being broken open, and growing strong in the broken places.
September carries change, the winds of new possibilities, and if your lucky she also carries with her a measure of hope, and courage. She'll make you brave, if you let her.
September has taught me to become, to have fun and let people in and live in the moment.
September, you've been good to me.
Let's do this again sometime.
Friday, September 19, 2014
There are the days that empty, and the days that fill. There are days when it feels like my heart is going to explode, when I take in and absorb and receive so much I feel nothing but nourished and fed, taken care of and held.
This moment has waited it's whole life for you. This moment is the lover and you are the solider, Come home, baby, it's over. You don't need to suffer anymore
Today is the day when I sat cross legged in the middle of the room in my 8am class and felt like a little kid again.
Today is the day when I took a walk with people I barely know and listened to them talk about their days and why they are here and all the little things in life
Today is the day when an amazing friend comes in, takes my hand, listens to my story, prays over me some of the most beautiful words I've ever heard, and then we have coffee
Today is the day where I ate lunch with some incredible people, sharing stories and laughter and making memories
Today is the day when I laid on the floor of my dorm room in a patch of sunshine and listened to spoken word poetry
Today is the day when I played a board game for 2 hours, then watched a movie and smiled until my face hurt
The word today means amen in every language. Today we made it, today I'm going to love you, today
Today I can only sit back and look at these people, this life I never thought I wanted, all the experiences that brought me to this place and feel thankful. The healing is hard, but it's the beginning of something beautiful.
Dear you, and I have always meant you, nothing would be the same if you did not exist
This moment is a Hallelujah, this moment is your permission slip to finally open the love letter you've been hiding from yourself
You made it. You made it
Quotes taken from Today Means Amen by Sierra Demulder
Thursday, September 18, 2014
There are no words big enough to say how thankful I am at this time for the small ways in which I am being held, by my family at home, my new PRBI family and all the amazing connections I've made in my few weeks here. I am so grateful for each and every one of you, and the ways you hold me.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
My heart is full.
These last few weeks have been the beginning of an incredible journey, one I never wanted to take but am finding myself being grateful for. So many times I have sat down to write the beginnings of this post, but so many times I have erased all the words I have written, instead choosing to ponder these things in my heart.
I don’t know yet how to write about this delicate balance, this place where I find myself. It is the midst of immense questioning and wrestling with God, and also the place where I feel so incredibly blessed, and overwhelmed with grace. I am overwhelmed with the necessary adjustments as I switch into college life, with the things I spent so long running from but now can’t seem to avoid, and by the kindness and love I’ve already experienced from the incredible people.
I say I didn’t want to be here, and it’s true. Because already it is shaping up to be one of the most challenging places I’ve been. Already it is becoming the wrestling ring in which I am staring down myself, my past, what I believe and why. I am being pushed, in many ways, and growing, in good ways I hope. And while this growing, this continual sense of being overwhelmed and exhausted, is not fun, I know this is the place where I need to be.
I write about how hard it is to be here, and it’s true. But being here is also filling me. Conversations with new friends, singing around a campfire, taking a spontaneous trip to the pool, all of it feels like things I do not deserve. I get the feeling that I am more than myself, more than my story.
As I sit here writing this I am full. Full of hope, full of confusion, full of longing, full of the realization that I am nothing more than a broken person, which I already knew but feel the reality of much more deeply in my days here. I am on my own for the first time, which is both a rewarding and incredibly scary experience. I am learning new things every day, both in and out of the classroom. I am becoming.
There is no other way to say this except that my heart is full. Full of things I don’t understand, and things I do, things I’ve spent my whole life running away from and new possibilities that I’m embracing.When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow