Full

 

My heart is full.

 These last few weeks have been the beginning of an incredible journey, one I never wanted to take but am finding myself being grateful for.  So many times I have sat down to write the beginnings of this post, but so many times I have erased all the words I have written, instead choosing to ponder these things in my heart.

 I don’t know yet how to write about this delicate balance, this place where I find myself. It is the midst of immense questioning and wrestling with God, and also the place where I feel so incredibly blessed, and overwhelmed with grace. I am overwhelmed with the necessary adjustments as I switch into college life, with the things I spent so long running from but now can’t seem to avoid, and by the kindness and love I’ve already experienced from the incredible people.

 I say I didn’t want to be here, and it’s true. Because already it is shaping up to be one of the most challenging places I’ve been. Already it is becoming the wrestling ring in which I am staring down myself, my past, what I believe and why. I am being pushed, in many ways, and growing, in good ways I hope. And while this growing, this continual sense of being overwhelmed and exhausted, is not fun, I know this is the place where I need to be.

 I write about how hard it is to be here, and it’s true. But being here is also filling me. Conversations with new friends, singing around a campfire, taking a spontaneous trip to the pool, all of it feels like things I do not deserve. I get the feeling that I am more than myself, more than my story.

 As I sit here writing this I am full. Full of hope, full of confusion, full of longing, full of the realization that I am nothing more than a broken person, which I already knew but feel the reality of much more deeply in my days here. I am on my own for the first time, which is both a rewarding and incredibly scary experience. I am learning new things every day, both in and out of the classroom. I am becoming. 

 There is no other way to say this except that my heart is full. Full of things I don’t understand, and things I do, things I’ve spent my whole life running away from and new possibilities that I’m embracing.

 When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow