Monday, October 31, 2011

October brings... November!

Also known as NaNoWriMo month! Only a few more hours until the real work begins. I've already been doing things I never would have done if it hadn't been for this NaNo novel. Like... researching things I never would have cared about before, like IVF and Down Syndrome. I've been trying to figure out how I'm gonna write when I'm in the hospital for surgery (8 days from today... Scary!) or how in the world I'll get all those words down in November.
So here we go, almost ready to dive into the waters of NaNoWriMo.
I'll try to keep everyone updated on... well, everything
So here we go...

Sunday, October 30, 2011


Today, another weekend of DtP came to a close. It was a weekend filled with laughter and tears, of great food and great friends.
On Friday night I was tired. I didn't want to pick myself up and go hang out with 400+ other youth. But I went anyway. I was already dreading the usual Friday Night lows (a time on Friday nights where my blood sugar drops. happens every year, or did.) Anyway, we got into the session and the band began playing. They played this one song and it was amazing. In that moment I kind of threw my hands up and was like "Ok God, I'm obviously here for a reason. Show me what that is." The first thing the speaker said when he got on stage was that nobody was here on accident. NOBODY was here on accident. That night was the first Friday Night at Dtp in my 4 years of going that I didn't have the usual Friday night lows. And when I got into bed, exhausted, at around 1 in the morning, I was already worrying about the small amount of sleep I would get. Then it was kind of like God said to me "Don't you believe I am going to take care of you? Do you believe I am going to give you everything you need?" And when I woke up the next morning, after only being half awake through breakfast, when we got to the session and it started, I was wide awake. Saturday morning's talk was on hardships. When the band sang one song, Our God, and the line "Our God is healer," came up on the powerpoint, I was hit. Did I truely believe that God was a healer, MY healer? Did I truely believe that no matter what challenges this next week brings, that He had the power to heal me, or not to? And that no matter what He chose, that He was still good? After lunch I went to a worship seminar. It was just a really cool time to be together with other people who were just there to worship God. We went to the mall for supper, and then there was another ralley, and then the comedian and the concert (Bob Smiley and Jeff Deyo and Band.) This morning was another early morning, but I was totally refreshed and energized. After another great worship time, the speaker came up to speak one last time. He talked about faith, and what that means. It's like saying My only hope is you, my only hope is you, my only hope is you and being in a place of complete dependence on God, because without Him, you would be toast.
So yeah, I went into this weekend tired and just wanting to stay at home and relax. But coming out of it, I realized I was taught so much more then I ever thought I would. It was an amazing weekend, and I am so glad I went, even if now I have to catch up on some sleep.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


Today starts another DtP Weekend. We have them once a year here, a youth confrence. It is loud, and there is lots of people, and little sleep. Every single year I tell myself there is no way I am doing this next year. I am too tired, there is too many people and it is too loud. But every single year, I go. But every single year, when I look back on the last year and decide if I will go again, I don't remember the lack of sleep or the crowds of people or the noise. I remember meeting God, and experiencing Him through the worship, and the speakers, and the fellowship with my youth group. So here's to another sleepless weekend.
God, meet us in this place.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Monday, October 24, 2011

At Half Mast...

For me, there is few things harder then seeing my friends hurting and being able to do nothing.

On Saturday morning, 4 guys from the high school in GP were killed in a car crash.

2 of the guys in my close friend group, as well as a couple of other people I know, knew the guys that were killed that day.

Like I said, there are few things harder for me then seeing my friends hurting and being able to do nothing.

It's hard to know they are hurting, and to see the pain in their eyes, and not be able to do anything to stop it.

It makes me think, about how nobody ever knows where they might end up, or when their life will end. I'm sure when those guys woke up they weren't thinking they were going to die. But it happened.

For some reason this hits close to home. Maybe because the guys were only 15 and 16, barely older then me. Maybe because I've seen the hurt in the eyes of the ones left behind. I didn't know them, but I know people who did. I've heard stories of how great these guys were. They were real, and they laughed and they loved.

I hate being helpless to stop the hurt that the ones I love are feeling. I hate not knowing what to say, or what to do, or how to be there, or even if I should be.

It's almost as if our entire town is grieving. On the way home from pottery today, I noticed the flags were at half mast.

So my heart hurts. My heart hurts because these teenagers died so young. My heart hurts because I've looked into the eyes of the ones who knew them, the ones left behind. My heart hurts because 2 of those people were a few of the people that I love the most, and I hate to see them hurting.

I hate seeing my friends hurting and not being able to do something to fix it.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

I love...

* Friends, who hang out with you at Mcdonalds until it closes.
* Friends who will drive you home at quarter to 12, and still have great conversations with you in the car.
* Being packed together at Missions night in the market. Like literally squished together so that you were up against one person with no where to move because there were people trapping you in on every side. Good thing I wasn't claustraphobic. But yeah, that was a lot of fun.
* Sushi, and some sort of Indian Dessert thing and some sort of African berry juice thing. Anyway, lots of yummy cultural food going on.

So yep, I'm kinda tired this morning. But these nights, the ones I spend with my friends doing who knows what, those are the best ones. And I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Friday, October 21, 2011

This is gonna be great!

This afternoon, I had my first meeting with my mentor.

I loved the Bible study that we're gonna do (That we created ourselves!)

I love that we ate pickles right out of the jar (so yummy!!!)

I love that I can see myself in her, which is pretty great

I love that God showed me, and even though in the moment I was like "What?" Because I didn't know her that well, that I listened, because I can already tell it's going to be great.

Yep, today was good. I can't wait for next week, and all the weeks that follow as we dive into this wonderful adventure of working with our horses, and faith.

Can I just say I love her? Cause I do, and I think this study is going to be great!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

This crazy thing I call my life...

I am a student. I am a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin and a friend.

My favorite color changes with my mood. But I love grey and pink and purple and orange and yellow, no matter what.

My favorite foods are chicken and pasta and bagels. I love them all and have the feeling that I could eat them every day and not get sick of them, for a while anyway.

I love my family. Sometimes they annoy me, and I think I don't need them, but no matter how old I get I will always need them.

I love my friends. They are amazing and wonderful and I blessed to have them in my life. I don't think they have any idea how amazing they are. I need them too.

I love walks and fall weather. I love walking into a library because it feels like magic. I love walking into a store with a whole bunch of soaps, because it smells wonderful.

I like sparkles (Not as much wearing them as looking at them.) and anything that can be classified as cute or cozy. I like hugs.

I like watching movies, and reading, and hanging out with my friends because they always make me laugh. I also love music, and quotes, and random quizzes because it makes me feel like I'm being interviewed and that makes me feel importent.

I have a wierd habit of chewing on my tongue when we walk down the laundry soap aisle of the grocery store.

I love eating at Subway, even though I get the same thing every time. But why mess with a good thing, right?

I love writing, and one day I want to be published, to be known. I also have a wierd connection to my characters and that makes me a little crazy at times.

I love being happy, and having that wierd giddy feeling when something amazingly happy happens and you can no longer hold in the joy so you just start laughing and dancing around your room. But as much as I love being happy, I think it's ok to just be.

I love Jesus, most of all.

I have a strange Thursday night obsession with Grey's Anatomy. When I am watching Grey's, don't talk to me. seriously! I am in my happy place and when you interrupt that, I will probably get mad at you.

I hate wearing socks, no matter how cold it is outside. The only time I wear socks is with my running shoes. And when I wear heels, it makes me feel like Addison Montgomery, though I don't know why.

I'm a hopeful romantic. I love getting flowers. I love getting letters and cards, through email or snail mail, but there's something exciting about going to the mailbox and getting a letter.

I hate being alone in the dark, in the quiet, because then I realize just how alone I am, and I hate that.

Usually when I come back from a doctors appointment and it didn't go the way I wanted, I will get needy. I will want to be by myself, but when no one is there I wish someone was. And I won't know what to say, but I need someone to give me a hug. But no one knows that because I don't say anything.

I hate beginings, and endings, but I love that time in the middle. I hate the unknown, but sometimes knowing scares me even more. And sometimes, I kind of hate this crazy thing I call my life. But I know that no matter what, I am stronger then I was before, and that by walking down this road I'll learn things I never would have otherwise. And that, I can definatly appreciate.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Here we go...

"Maybe Happiness didn't have to be about the big, sweeping circumstances. Maybe it was about stringing together a bunch of small pleasures. Wearing slippers and watching the Miss Universe contest. Eating a brownie with vanilla ice cream. Getting to level 7 and knowing there were still 20 levels to go. Maybe happiness was just a matter of the life upticks, the traffic signal the said "Walk" the second you got there~ and the downticks ~ the itchy tag at the back of your collar ~ That happened to every person in the course of a day. Maybe everybody had the same allotted measure of happiness within each day. Maybe it didn't matter if you were a world-famous heartthrob or a painful geek. maybe it didn't matter if you were possibily dying. Maybe you just got through it. Maybe that was all you could ask for. "
Taken from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

I signed up for NaNoWriMo today. Everybody knows I like to write, and I do. I've had this story that's been hiding away in the back of my mind now. I've figured out plots and characters and even written entire scenes in my head. But 50,000 words in one month! I don't know if I can do that... But I'm gonna try anyway. I'm going to write (While still keeping up with my responsibilities.) and I may possibly go a little crazy. But I'm going to try, and we'll see where I end up at the end of November. Cheer me on, cause here I go...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Saturday, October 15, 2011

How can I?

How can I focus on the difficult when I have...
This guy, who loved the most precious little girl with me

This girl, who is amazing and a whole bunch of kinds of wonderful

This guy, who always brings me back to the truth

This girl, who makes me proud to be her friend

This guy, who can make me crack up at his 'randomness' This girl, who can brighten my day with a single comment

This guy, who has the best quotes

How, I would like to know, did I get such an amazing group of friends?

Friday, October 14, 2011


FYI, I am a terrible artist! Sorry if you have no idea what this picture is! It's supposed to be a girl with an IV in a hospital hallway, but it's kind of hard to tell that from the picture. It looks better in real life, I promise!

The picture is staring at me... I feel a strange connection to the girl within. Then I realize, we are both lost. Lost in the darkness of night, the cover of blackness. Lost as a person, now only a patient of the medical world. Lost in the unknown, alone and helpless. We are lost. That girl in the painting, she will never move. She's stuck in the darkness of her surroundings. But for me, I have to believe there is still hope. I have to believe that soon the dark will turn to day and I will no longer be lost, but found. I have to believe, I must have hope. Or remain lost in the dark forever.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Written with a purple pen...

God, Keep me thankful
Show me how to live, every whispered breath uttering thanks. Help me see your purpose for me. I know You have plans for this, for me. I know I am here for a reason. I know I am not forgotten. I know this indescribable pain, this heart ache, is a part of your plan. You know the sound of my breaking heart. You hold together my broken body. It is too much for me. My fingers ache from clinging to this thread of hope. My soul cries out for mercy. My tear filled voice begs you to tell me why I am here. But, oh God, I feel You holding me, carrying me through the dark valleys. I feel Your strength penetrating my being when I am weak and ready to quit. I feel you here. So with my tear stained face, I will give thanks. In my hopelessness, I will be grateful. In my heartache, I will trust. For even in my brokenness, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. For even in the darkest nights, you have a plan. I will praise you through this night, for I know joy will come in the morning.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

And yet...

I guess it's time to let everyone know what's going on.
As you all know, I went to see the very funny GI doctor on Thursday. Here's the scoop:
On November 6, I go in for prep. I am on IV's and will be taking meds that will make me very sick.
On November 7, I go in for a gastroscopy, a colonoscopy and a bunch of biopsies. (Thank goodness for Anesthesia.)
Before all of this takes place, I will need to get a bunch of more tests done at the lab here.
I've been in shut down mode for a few days now. I don't understand why something that I wanted for so long has the power to scare me to death. I don't understand why it hurts like it does. I don't understand... and I hate that. I hate not knowing, I hate the fear that lurks around in the shadows of the unknown.
And yet... I will blindly follow into the land of the unknown. I will trust in a God who knows the plans He has for me, and that those plans are good. I believe that He will never leave me alone as I walk through the valley of the Shadow of death.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

a teen's perspective...

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”
And I said, “Here am I. Send me!” Isaiah 6:8

Sunday, October 9, 2011

A person's a person no matter how small...

For a while now, the whole pro-life issue has been one on my mind. Maybe it's because we're in the middle of the 40 day's for life, a pro-life movement consisting of prayer, a peaceful vigil and community out reach. Maybe it's because my best friend's mama, who I look up to and admire, is involved in this (She is blogging for the 40 day's for life, Calgary. Find her page here
Either way, Pro-life has been on my mind a lot lately. Usually when I hear the term pro-life, it's regarding abortion. It's the choice of choosing life for this unborn child. And when it is said like that, I always thought that "Yes, I am pro-life." But recently, I've come to wonder if maybe pro-life is more then just saying no when it comes to abortion. Maybe pro-life is the value, the preciousness of human life. Maybe pro-life is realizing that this life is a gift. Maybe it's standing up for those who can't stand up for themselves, fighting for those that are unable to fight for themselves. I think pro-life is more then just abortion, though when most people consider pro-life that is the first thing that comes to mind, I know it did for me. But maybe pro-life is more then just protecting the unborn babies of this country. Maybe it's being just that, pro-life. Maybe it's supporting the preciousness of life, no matter how small the life is.
Recently, I've been taking time for prayer. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. It's not much, just a few minutes a couple times a week, to go before God in prayer. Besides asking Him to soften my heart, I've been asking for something else to, praying for something else. I've been praying for life. I've been praying for all those girls and all those women who walk into the abortion clinic, thinking there is no other way. I've been praying for that family in the hospital whose child, sibling, self, whatever, is being forced to live life with a chronic illness, when some others think it would be kinder to Euthanize. I've been praying for hope to be shone into the darkest corners, and for love to find a way to peer through the clouds.. I've been praying, simply for life. Because every life is valuable. Every life is precious. And because the term pro-life means so much more then simply standing against abortion.
So yeah, I'm pro-life

"It all seemed so wrong. I said to myself, 'Somebody ought to do something about this!" Then I realized that I am somebody"

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I need you

So I'll be honest. I need you. I need you to hold me, because I have this crazy notion that once you hold me, everything will be right again, or I'll at least have the strength to face it. I need you to make me believe in myself again. I need you to be that person I could talk to about anything, about everything, because I miss that person the most. I need you to be my wall, to hold my hand and help me weather the storm, to let me lean into your strength. I need you.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

But If Not...

None of this is my plan, God
My plan begins with a semi-healthy teenage girl, whose body is free and is not held captive by this mysterious intruder
But if not...
If I am forced to undergo this new challenge, then I would like to have answers sooner rather then later
But if not...
If I am forced to wait, for some reason which I can't see, please lead me to trust worthy doctors
But if not...
If I am shown to doctors who don't understand my condition, then please keep me from any unnessessary testing
But if not...
If I am forced to undergo tests that are not needed, please save me from any extra pain
But if not...
If the road that lays ahead is filled with pain and hardship, then please save my life
But if not...
If I am to leave this life so young, for a reason which I don't know yet, let my enemy know I will worship no other

Daniel 3:18

Monday, October 3, 2011

What I'm Lovin'

  • I love wearing high heels, because they make me feel like Addison Montgomery

  • I love anything that smells good.

  • I discovered I love pottery. I'm not a real artsy person in that sense of the word. My favorite form of art is the kind I make when I put a pen to paper. But I went to my first pottery class today and had a blast. I made a cup. I got to throw lumps of clay really hard. it was fun :)

  • I love my friends, probably more then they even know. I love spending Saturday nights/ Sunday Mornings with them. I love watching movies and wasting hours in Superstore. So yeah, I love my friends.

  • I love when I get good grades on a test I barely studied for.

  • I love wasting hours in the most magical place on earth, the library. I love smelling the books (Don't judge me!) and buying a scone and a water and sitting and watching people.

  • I love afternoon naps. Even though during these wonderful events one of the biggest lies I tell myself arises. "I'm not going to fall asleep. I'll just lay here, and close my eyes, and rest my head on this pillow." Yeah right, we all know I am going to fall asleep

  • I love the comfort and peace that I have as I walk into these next few days, into the dark unknown.