Jump

I've been thinking a lot lately about love, and bravery, and honesty. And my people, and who I am and life in general. It's summer and late night conversations and getting together for Starbucks seems to pull these kinds of things out of me, one following the other, like a magician and his scarves.
I've been thinking lately about how life is short. I mean, it's not, it's long and the days seem long and the months seem long but looking back there somehow wasn't enough time for me to say the things I needed to say before it was too late.
A few months ago, I made a promise. Under a March sky with the snow crunching under my boots and horse hair on my coat, I promised I would learn from my mistakes. Instead of thinking about the words I never got to say, I would do something about it. I would say what I needed to say because the only thing guaranteed is this moment.
I'm learning the value of relationships. Within the past few days I have had friends challenge me on the topic of honesty. And I'm learning being honest isn't a bad thing. Saying what you need to say isn't wrong. Even if you have no idea how things will turn out. Even if it changes everything, and even if it changes nothing. Honesty is brave and speaking your truth (over coffee or late night texts) is brave. Not letting a moment go by without letting the people you love know that you love them, that's pretty brave in my opinion.
Sometimes that's life. Standing on the edge of a cliff and jumping, even if you don't know what's waiting on the other side. I heard a quote once that said "You don't know where to go but you know you can't stay here."
And so you jump.
Even if you don't know what comes next, you jump.
You have to jump into people and trust they'll be there to catch you
Even if you blurt out your thoughts in a way that isn't pretty or neat or polite
Even if you tell them the deepest, darkest parts of your story
You have to say what you need to say and take that jump, trusting that people will catch you when you do.
You know what people I mean. They're my people. They are the people that accept my random outbursts with grace. They're the people who give me a huge reality check when I need one or tell me to get some sleep, saying things will look better in the morning. They're the people who help me remember who I really am. Sometimes they're the people who keep me from doing something really stupid, and sometimes they do the stupid things with me, things we can all laugh about years from now. They put up with me writing about them all the time. These are my people.
And I'm learning to let them in. I'm learning to say what I need to say and trust that, in the end, they'll still be here. Because they love me, not who I pretend to be.
So that's where I am: being real, being honest, being brave, loving wildly and fully and learning to trust that my people will be there even when...
I'm learning what it means to jump

grace

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” ― Mary Oliver

This week was overwhelming. I learned a lot this week, about high school things like chemistry and english, and about other things too, like love, and where my identity is, and grace.
While I got good news from my doctors earlier this week, there's something bittersweet about the whole thing. It's good and it's happy and I'm happy, but it's also scary and sad and full of so much emotion I can't even describe. I am overwhelmed by grace, because I really deserve none of this. I feel like I'm standing on something that is changing. The ground beneath me is shaking, and the world is spinning and it's hard to stay upright. Change is taking place here, something big, I can feel it. I'm excited, but it's hard too.
This week was the salty sweet kind. Days would come and I would end up crying in front of the TV or as I wrote something on my computer or as I sat in a chair after getting up in the morning. It's overwhelming and I can barely take it all in. I considered hibernation, curling up in a cave and sleeping until I figured out what to do with this beautiful mess I call life. I spend one moment falling apart and the rest of the day piecing myself back together. Slowly, piece by piece, I gather up my broken courage and muster up a timid roar. As it turns out I'm not feeling so brave or fearless these days, just sad. It's not a bad kind of sadness either, just a kind of sadness that takes time.
And so this is it. I must learn how to sit with this space in my head and in my soul. I must learn how to respond to this unending grace in the only way I know how - with unending gratitude. I must learn how to stand on my own two feet and find my courage again when everything is shifting around me and I feel so unstable in where I stand in and in who I am.
But I am keeping this list of tiny blessings, my grateful response to this amazing grace that has been showered upon me. And while the good things don't necessarily cancel out the bad, the bad too, I am learning, is a gift.

158. Dr.M
159. Eating at the Olive Garden

162. Stable


169. Heels that click when I walk

172. Overwhelming grace
173. PJ day
174. Laughter
175. Understanding
176. Hot Bubble baths
177. Accomplishment
178. Grey's Anatomy nights
179. space
180. frog socks

183. aha! moments
184. The reminder that I am enough today

186. Bowling
187. Friends
188. A day spent in town with my mama
189. discovery
190. finally catching up on some school'
191. blonde
192. love
193. Kendall's blog post
194. Friday

Taking a moment...

How long has it been since I really sat down and blogged? I feel like all the posts I've written have been rushed, incoherently put together in those rare moments of spare time. I feel like I haven't actually sat down and blogged for a long, long time.
Tonight, though, I want to blog. I want to put out of my mind all those things I could be doing (Writing my novel, for instance) and just write here, and be here right now.

I'm exhausted. I've been exhausted for days. Not necessarily physically exhausted (Though there has been some of that too) but mentally exhausted, emotionally exhausted. Just drained, running out of steam exhausted. Apparently once you start feeling better it's not a good idea to try and go conquer the world. I still have to be gentle with myself.
Today I took a time out. I went out for lunch, shopping and pedicures with my mama.
I feel like my body is just saying, "Ok, Alisha, you can't conquer the world. You do what you can, when you can with what you can, and when you can't nobody can fault you for it."
I think it's so easy sometimes to become wrapped up in everything you should do, or that you want to do, or that needs to get done that you forget to take a time out.
Maybe that means taking 5 or 10 minutes away from the time I would normally work on my novel to blog, or just breathe and be mindful of breathing. Maybe it means taking a day to hang out with the ones you love best.
Sometimes it means actually listening to God when He whispers to your heart, "Hey, I got this. Let me help you."

So here's my 5 minutes. Hope you all had a wonderful Friday, and wishing everybody a great weekend. And hey, remember to slow down and actually breathe this weekend! (Good advice for me to remember too!)

Every Part of Me

I feel like I haven't posted in a while, like really posted.
I wrote my post for father's day, and I did a brief 7 quick takes, but I haven't really posted for 12 or so days.
I don't know when I'll get back to posting regularly (not just popping in every week or so with a guilt post!) Maybe when I get my life figured out (Though we all know that will never happen) or maybe when I actually have time to sit down and breathe and get my thoughts in order.
It's been a crazy week. I didn't post for a while because my own computer was in the shop, and though I did post I didn't feel like blogging until I had my own space back where I could blog to my heart's content. And then life happened, and things got in the way and stuff happened and I couldn't get my thoughts out in such a way that it wouldn't sound odd. I'm still not back to posting (This is one of those guilt posts I was talking about) and I'm not sure when I will be, when I'll be able to write again and make words that make sense and think thoughts that make sense and just think and breathe and BE!
This is exam week, also known as the craziest most stressful week in the entire high school education year. I had an exam yesterday, and my last one is on Friday. I can't wait! I'm counting down the days until I can burn all those piles of homework and ship off the text books and just enjoy life and BE without having to constantly be thinking about school and which assignment is due when and which teacher needs which form and when the next unit test is. I'm nervous for my exam, but I think I'm going to do ok. So, if you think of it, try and remember to pray for me Friday morning!
It's also been a stressful week as this week, my pump has decided not to work AGAIN! That means it's late nights, and frustration and exhaustion. Even if I'm not up that late, it is really exhausting, and just another reminder of how different my life is. It did go a while without beeping, and now that I'm looking back on those days I'm wishing I would have enjoyed them more. It was bliss, and as easy as it was to fall into the pattern of not constantly worrying and holding my breath, I was surprised, and saddened, by how easy and how natural it was to go back to this pattern of being up till 12:30am fixing a beeping pump.
It's also been more phone calls to doctors, more waiting, more tests (I have calluses on my fingers to prove it!) I don't know exactly what's going on, but it's more waiting. I'm kind of getting used to this waiting. I've also been feeling pretty lousy lately, which adds another layer to my exhaustion.
Reading over this, I'm realizing how busy my week sounds, how stressful, how exhausting. And it is, exhausting I mean. It's tiring and it's exhausting and it's all these things I wish I didn't have to go through (I'm pretty sure every high school student wishes they didn't have to do exams, but you know what I mean, all this other stuff)
But this is what I have to go through, and this is my life. It's exhausting and frustrating and a constant battle. But it's my life, it's all I've got. And it's so foreign to normal people, and that's something I've been struggling with (How to balance my 'normal' life and my sick life, trying to not shut myself down because normal people really don't understand!)
But it's a part of me. Just like I have blonde hair and hazel eyes, just like I change my blog backround more times then I can count because I never like it how it is, just like how I'm addicted to Grey's Anatomy and how I love to write.
Imagine if you were only noticed for one trait, like what color your hair was or what hand you wrote with instead of all of you.
It's like that. Yes, I'm sick and sometimes that fact is so overwhelming I forget to see anything else, but in all honesty that's not who I am.
I'm a girl, who has blonde hair and hazel eyes and is addicted to Grey's Anatomy and loves to write... and I just happen to have a chronic illness.

Cheese Daze

This afternoon I was trying to think of something to write for a blog post. I couldn't find anything that had happened over the last few days that was *blog worthy* After a while of wracking my brain, I decided I was hungry and wanted a grilled cheese sandwich. I made the sandwich, put the pan on the stove, and put the sandwich in the pan. I changed the channel on the TV so Jaxon could watch a show and decided I should check on my sandwich. I went to the stove and found everything BLACK, the bottom of the pan, my sandwich, everything. I turned off the heat and took the pan off that spot. I then tried to peel the sandwich off the bottom of the pan. Of course it was burnt so bad that when I tried to scrape it off it crumbled into a million burnt crumbs. When I finally got the burnt sandwich off the pan and into the garbage, I put the pan in the sink, determined to scrub the bottom in an attempt to get off all the black. I turned on the water and all of a sudden there was this popping noise. The pan was actually sizzling. Once I scrubbed it out the best I could, I texted my best friend. I told her the story, of how I was looking for something blog worthy and then how I almost burnt the house down while trying to make grilled cheese. She laughed at me and pretty much told me I brought this on myself.
Here I am, still wondering how I managed to completely destroy grilled cheese (I mean, seriously, I've been making that forever!) So that was my *blog worthy* afternoon.

Sooner or Later, I'm gonna make it...

Today is the day of:

Waking up to pain ripping through my stomach

Throwing up Breakfast

Doing school while hooked up, attempting to fight off the nausea that's rising

Watching the Food Network and reading My sister's keeper in an attempt to ignore the shock, and the humbling sense of reality, brought up by this morning's incident

The smell of medical tape still clinging to my skin, despite my attempts to wash it away

Cold feet, and headaches, and heartaches

Sunshine streaming in the bedroom window

Spanish Vocab, and Math Questions, and English Essays

Getting a message from a friend today, a whispered reminder that sooner or later, I AM going to make it. We ARE going to find out what this is and I AM going to feel better. Though it won't be today, it will be someday.

I am Hoping with a fragile Hope

Update

Just wanted to let everyone know that today went as well as it could have (Not that it was good for me, I was miserable, but good as in the tests went smoothly.)
The tests weren't fun for me. Spending 5 hours at the medical clinic defiantly wasn't my idea of a good time. It defiantly wasn't fun to be stabbed with ultrasound wands and lay under scanners and submit myself to following every order for every little thing that had to go along with every test. I came home, logged into school (I'd already done my math yesterday so I just had some reading to do) and promptly fell asleep. I was so exhausted. I slept for a while but when I woke up I didn't feel much better, still felt tired and achy. I always find I'm way more self conscious when I'm getting these kind of tests done, because I'm still hooked up and everytime somebody looks at me oddly (Which almost everyone does) I always wonder what they're thinking, if they're wondering what happened to the poor girl sitting in the corner being fed by a tube to make her like this. (In my mind I always think they think I look like a freak, but maybe that's my own caring and nobody really thinks that. I don't know.) I drank enough water to sink the titanic (Ok not quite, but by the end of it I was almost throwing up every sip I drank.) I found too, that when I wasn't thinking I would always catch myself with little tears in my eyes, just sitting there. Despite my furious scrubbing I still smell like medical tape (Maybe from the sticky stuff on the back of the heart monitor stickers?)
I am so glad this day is over. This day was hard, but not scary. I find I don't have the luxury of being scared anymore, not by this. I need to be strong right now, I can't risk falling apart. If I let myself be scared, whose going to be strong? So I'll be strong, because it's what is required. These fears inside me, they're almost numb now, barely able to be felt at all. They just get pushed to the back. I don't get to be scared, not over things like this.

It's about a girl who is on the cusp of becoming someone.. A girl who may not know what she wants right now, and she may not know who she is right now, but who deserves the chance to find out

DtP

Today, another weekend of DtP came to a close. It was a weekend filled with laughter and tears, of great food and great friends.
On Friday night I was tired. I didn't want to pick myself up and go hang out with 400+ other youth. But I went anyway. I was already dreading the usual Friday Night lows (a time on Friday nights where my blood sugar drops. happens every year, or did.) Anyway, we got into the session and the band began playing. They played this one song and it was amazing. In that moment I kind of threw my hands up and was like "Ok God, I'm obviously here for a reason. Show me what that is." The first thing the speaker said when he got on stage was that nobody was here on accident. NOBODY was here on accident. That night was the first Friday Night at Dtp in my 4 years of going that I didn't have the usual Friday night lows. And when I got into bed, exhausted, at around 1 in the morning, I was already worrying about the small amount of sleep I would get. Then it was kind of like God said to me "Don't you believe I am going to take care of you? Do you believe I am going to give you everything you need?" And when I woke up the next morning, after only being half awake through breakfast, when we got to the session and it started, I was wide awake. Saturday morning's talk was on hardships. When the band sang one song, Our God, and the line "Our God is healer," came up on the powerpoint, I was hit. Did I truely believe that God was a healer, MY healer? Did I truely believe that no matter what challenges this next week brings, that He had the power to heal me, or not to? And that no matter what He chose, that He was still good? After lunch I went to a worship seminar. It was just a really cool time to be together with other people who were just there to worship God. We went to the mall for supper, and then there was another ralley, and then the comedian and the concert (Bob Smiley and Jeff Deyo and Band.) This morning was another early morning, but I was totally refreshed and energized. After another great worship time, the speaker came up to speak one last time. He talked about faith, and what that means. It's like saying My only hope is you, my only hope is you, my only hope is you and being in a place of complete dependence on God, because without Him, you would be toast.
So yeah, I went into this weekend tired and just wanting to stay at home and relax. But coming out of it, I realized I was taught so much more then I ever thought I would. It was an amazing weekend, and I am so glad I went, even if now I have to catch up on some sleep.

DtP

Today starts another DtP Weekend. We have them once a year here, a youth confrence. It is loud, and there is lots of people, and little sleep. Every single year I tell myself there is no way I am doing this next year. I am too tired, there is too many people and it is too loud. But every single year, I go. But every single year, when I look back on the last year and decide if I will go again, I don't remember the lack of sleep or the crowds of people or the noise. I remember meeting God, and experiencing Him through the worship, and the speakers, and the fellowship with my youth group. So here's to another sleepless weekend.
God, meet us in this place.

This is gonna be great!

This afternoon, I had my first meeting with my mentor.

I loved the Bible study that we're gonna do (That we created ourselves!)

I love that we ate pickles right out of the jar (so yummy!!!)

I love that I can see myself in her, which is pretty great

I love that God showed me, and even though in the moment I was like "What?" Because I didn't know her that well, that I listened, because I can already tell it's going to be great.

Yep, today was good. I can't wait for next week, and all the weeks that follow as we dive into this wonderful adventure of working with our horses, and faith.

Can I just say I love her? Cause I do, and I think this study is going to be great!

What I'm Lovin'

• I love wearing high heels, because they make me feel like Addison Montgomery


• I love anything that smells good.


• I discovered I love pottery. I'm not a real artsy person in that sense of the word. My favorite form of art is the kind I make when I put a pen to paper. But I went to my first pottery class today and had a blast. I made a cup. I got to throw lumps of clay really hard. it was fun :)


• I love my friends, probably more then they even know. I love spending Saturday nights/ Sunday Mornings with them. I love watching movies and wasting hours in Superstore. So yeah, I love my friends.


• I love when I get good grades on a test I barely studied for.


• I love wasting hours in the most magical place on earth, the library. I love smelling the books (Don't judge me!) and buying a scone and a water and sitting and watching people.


• I love afternoon naps. Even though during these wonderful events one of the biggest lies I tell myself arises. "I'm not going to fall asleep. I'll just lay here, and close my eyes, and rest my head on this pillow." Yeah right, we all know I am going to fall asleep


• I love the comfort and peace that I have as I walk into these next few days, into the dark unknown.

Australian Invasion...

Quite recently, we have had Australians join our SBW (Starbright world) crew. Recently it's just been us north americans, so it was quite a switch. I was on as one by one, they slowly entered our chatroom doors. We, due to over exuberant hosts taking the lead, were anxiously waiting to welcome these new comers. It was soon declared that the chat room was chaos. We had Australians trying to get used to the new system (Since our two systems are merging.) Like ship wreck victims, the Aussies began to search for others from their old sight. We would get the random message of "Where is so and so... I can't find so and so... WHERE IS SO AND SO!!!!" And, of course, we had to get used to their new way of things too. Over the hour or so, so many of them entered. I think we were oficially had an Australian invasion. It was pure madness. Their SBW was/is called live wire, and all their chat hosts have different names, and our time zones were all mixed up. Anyway, later that night, once I had clicked the off button on my computer and shut down all the madness, I was sitting with my journal, contemplating on what I had just experienced. The whole time, I had been... unsettled with this whole thing. They were here, in my space, taking over. They were new and scary. But then I realized, what if it's not about me. I'm here, in my space, surrounded by 2 of *my hosts* with *my* people. Here they are, on a new website, not in their place at all, with none of their hosts or friends. So what if I have to get out of my comfort zone a little? So what if I have to adjust my speech, or my ever present sarcasm, so they don't take offense. So what if I have to step outside of my little bubble a little bit, to make them feel welcome in this place that's so new and strange to them. This is just as new and overwhelming to them as it is to me. So maybe I can. Maybe I'll step out of my comfort bubble and reach out. Maybe I'll go out of my way to make them feel welcome. Maybe I'll make a couple of those minor changes, that really wouldn't affect me, to make them feel welcome.

Casting Crowns Concert and Today's events

In case you were wondering, this is the Casting Crowns concert Saturday night...Me, Jaxon and my mom hanging out with Mark Hall, the lead singer of Casting Crowns

Jaxon and my mom singing with Mark.

Me just hanging out with the boys, Brian and Hector

Me and Jaxon with Chris

And with Juan...

The concert was really good. I still think Casting Crowns is one of the best concerts I've ever been to.

Spent today in town, shopping, and then came home and then did some yoga, ballet, pilates, kickboxing and a boot camp. (Code for copying the lady on the workout video. Somehow it just sounds so much better when I say it that way, like I actually did something other then flop around like a fish out of water.)

Now it's time to go find something to eat for supper.

Happpy 4th of July to all you americans!

Guess who?

A nice big blue bruise has developed on my leg from where I fell when I got bucked off last night. I'm really sore, but I think that is the extent of my injuries. Now, finally, it's time to make an announcement... Guess who I'm meeting tonight? Those guys (In the picture.) Casting Crowns is coming to do a concert here tonight, and my mom won tickets and back stage passes. And guess who she decided to take? This girl (Points at self.) That's right, tonight I am meeting Casting Crowns!

July 1, a memorable ride...

Just came back from a ride, and the horse came home without me
He was full of energy, and obviously did not want to cooperate with me, so he bucked me off.
Ran him around a bit and got back on, though.
I was more mad then hurt, but at least this was a memorable ride.

Scrambled Brains

Blogging is one of those things I probably should not be doing right now. Scratch that, writing in general is probably one of those things I should not be doing right now. It feels like my brain is scrambled and all the words I try to write come out wrong. When I couldn't seem to work on the story I'm writing, I figured it was just writer's block, the creative genius living inside my head taking a much needed break. When I couldn't blog or journal because everything I write seems to fall, like a pile of jello falling down, I decided my brain was just scrambled. I'm just going to write anyway. So read on and make sense of this post, if you dare...
1. I'm done L.A and Math! I finished L.A yesterday, and am 'quitting' math. Ok, not really quitting, but the stuff I was doing this year was so different from what Alberta is teaching, or something like that, so we're going to do something else, but for now, I'm done.
2. We figured out what I'm going to do for school next year. I was so unsure about what I was going to do. I was going to go back to regular school, then I wasn't cause I got the ulcer. I was going to stick with the stuff I am doing this year, no I'm not because I needed someone else to teach me, other then my mom. Now, though, I think we finally figured it out! I am doing online school, the same one I did in grade 8. We still have to figure some stuff out. The high school councelor is supposed to be calling tomorrow morning, and then we'll get some more stuff figured out then.
3. Remember that friend I told you about, the one who got the lung transplant? Well, I got an update, er sort of. His surgery went well. Hopefully his recovery will go well, and he'll be up and around soon.
4. I got my hair cut yesterday, and got some blonde streaks in it. Here's a picture...

It's raining here, and the other computer just lost internet, so I have to hurry up and post this before I lose internet too. I'll try and post more later, even if it is like jello sliding down...

What's been Going on...

It feels like I'm on a merry-go-round and just forgot to get off. So much has happened in the last few days, it's crazy.
I finished some more school today, Spelling and my elective, Missions. I should be done L.A sometime next week. I am slowly but surely checking things off my list.
I'm still on that one kind of meds, which are definatly not being kind to me. Yesterday, my stomach was acting up and I had nausea almost all day. I haven't had near as many pain episodes though. I had one this morning, and that was the first one since Wednesday, when before I would have been having 12+ a day. The sores in my mouth are getting better, it's not so hard to eat now, so that's a good thing. I've had a couple of fevers, either that or I've been really really hot (aren't they the same thing?) My energy still isn't back up, but I'm only sleeping a few afternoon's a week (Ha! Don't I sound old?)
I'm leaving on the missions trip in 15 days! 15! It sounds so close now, and I'm trying not to freak out. I'm soooooo nervous, excited, but so nervous at the same time. I know it's just over 2 weeks away, but 15 days, wow!
My friend got a lung transplant yesterday! He was called into the hospital on Wednesday night, and was in surgery all day yesterday. He's in the ICU right now, but that's about all I know. It's so good that he got these lungs though. Just goes to show that organ donation saves lives (But you already knew that, right?) He's such a strong person, and he's there for everybody, no matter what. I think it's cool that now we get to be strong for him. Anyway, you could keep him in your prayers.
And just for all of you, who were taken with my story of the half dead fly, I have a sequel. There was a spider in my room today. I didn't scream, though. I smushed him, and he did not come back to life. Aren't you proud of me :)

The Half Dead Fly

I am going to tell you a story, about something that happened to me, this morning, because I am procrastinating once again.
So... this morning, I was doing some school, and I had my window open. I heard this buzzing, and I immediatly thought it was a bee, which it was not. It was a fly. I tried to use my arms to direct this poor little creature outside, but it would not follow my arm motions. I then shut the window and tried directing the fly out the door. It still would not go. Then, I took my towel off the door and started waving it at this fly like a mad woman. I hit it, and it fell. I tried to pick it up, going to put this fly in the garbage, and it moved. I screamed. He was like doing a wierd squirming thing across my carpet, and I was still screaming. Then, I ran to the living room, where my mom was, who told me to get a kleenex and smush it, again. I got down on the floor, where this fly was, and he hopped onto my foot. I screamed again, and stood up and started shaking this fly off. He fell off, and I was still screaming, loudly. I tried again, kneeling down to get this fly. Again, he jumped on my foot. Again I screamed and shook him off. My mom and sister came into the room then, both with kleenex's. I was still screaming, and running away from this mutent fly. My mom got down, and smushed this fly, and then he was fully dead. But that is my story about me and the half dead fly.

Random

I feel like all I ever talk about lately is being sick. It feels like that's all I think about. I'm either thinking about the pain or discomfort that I'm experiencing or thinking ahead to the next test. I'm always having to mentally keep track of my blood sugar and when I need to eat and how I need to work my schedule around that. For me, doing anything else would be totally wierd, since I've been doing this my whole life. But there are times when I stop and think about how, to everyone else, how I live and function is wierd. It's wierd to think about sometimes. Sometimes I think about everything I missed. I think of the things I didn't get to do because I was in the hospital or things I can't do because I'm sick and doing them would be dangerous. Sometimes I feel sad, that I didn't get to have a 'normal' childhood. I know that I gained so much too, but sometimes it doesn't help. I still feel sad for what I lost, even knowing everything I gained.
Here's a list about other stuff I want to say, but that is too long to write about.

1. The tests went ok, I think. I got blood work (Only needed two pokes!) an X-Ray, some breath test where I had to drink this really sour, powdery lemonade thing and breathe into a tube and an ultrasound. So much for the ultrasound being a painless test, cause it hurt.


2. My stomach has been bothering me lots in the past few days (Since Wednesday.) I took some chewy things today that might help, and they tasted like I was eating chalk.


3. It is snowing. In June. I was all depressed the other day because it was June and I wasn't ready for summer and there's still so much for me to do. And now it snows. I have a thought that maybe God is laughing at my worries and showing me that He is in control.


4. I was sitting in the chair this morning, all curled up in a blanket. I had just taken those chalk things and still wasn't feeling any better, and I was tired from the lack of sleep last night. Jaxon asked if I was feeling good and I said no. "It's ok, I'll help you," He told me. He went off to get my comb and hair elastics and started doing my hair. It was so sweet.

His Power is Made Perfect in my Weakness

Last night I made this comment to one of my friend's "Glad it's you and not me." He is spending today at the hospital getting lots of tests done. Even though I wished he didn't have to go through that, I was sort of glad it wasn't me. Well, today those words came back to bite me. Tomorrow, I have a doctor's appointment. Most likely blood work and who know's what else. on Thursday (At like 8 in the morning) I have an ultrasound. I'm trying not to laugh at the irony of it all, because tomorrow (and the day after) it will be me. The hospital (oops, the doctors office AT the hospital) called this morning. They scheduled the ultrasound and then they put in a referal for an urgent appointment with the GI. No idea when that's gonna be yet, but considering that they put urgent on it, it could be soon. I'm relieved that they are doing something about it, like getting me in to see the GI and running all these tests and such, but then comes the dread that "Oh great, I gotta get more tests done now." I'm happy I'm getting them, just so then maybe they can find out what's wrong with me, but really, who likes getting stabbed with needles and getting an ultrasound wand thing jabbed into their stomach? I have to keep believing that all these tests will show something, that all this discomfort and pain and whatever else they put me through won't be for nothing, that they will figure this out and make me better.

'Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'
2 Corinthians 12: 8-10