Monday, February 6, 2012


Just wanted to let everyone know that today went as well as it could have (Not that it was good for me, I was miserable, but good as in the tests went smoothly.)
The tests weren't fun for me. Spending 5 hours at the medical clinic defiantly wasn't my idea of a good time. It defiantly wasn't fun to be stabbed with ultrasound wands and lay under scanners and submit myself to following every order for every little thing that had to go along with every test. I came home, logged into school (I'd already done my math yesterday so I just had some reading to do) and promptly fell asleep. I was so exhausted. I slept for a while but when I woke up I didn't feel much better, still felt tired and achy. I always find I'm way more self conscious when I'm getting these kind of tests done, because I'm still hooked up and everytime somebody looks at me oddly (Which almost everyone does) I always wonder what they're thinking, if they're wondering what happened to the poor girl sitting in the corner being fed by a tube to make her like this. (In my mind I always think they think I look like a freak, but maybe that's my own caring and nobody really thinks that. I don't know.) I drank enough water to sink the titanic (Ok not quite, but by the end of it I was almost throwing up every sip I drank.) I found too, that when I wasn't thinking I would always catch myself with little tears in my eyes, just sitting there. Despite my furious scrubbing I still smell like medical tape (Maybe from the sticky stuff on the back of the heart monitor stickers?)
I am so glad this day is over. This day was hard, but not scary. I find I don't have the luxury of being scared anymore, not by this. I need to be strong right now, I can't risk falling apart. If I let myself be scared, whose going to be strong? So I'll be strong, because it's what is required. These fears inside me, they're almost numb now, barely able to be felt at all. They just get pushed to the back. I don't get to be scared, not over things like this.

It's about a girl who is on the cusp of becoming someone.. A girl who may not know what she wants right now, and she may not know who she is right now, but who deserves the chance to find out

1 comment:

Trinka said...

I'm glad that the tests went well, but....oh, girl, I wish I could take that away from you!!! But don't think I'm great or anything {yeah, right!} because I'm too selfish to wish it upon myself :P
I'm still praying for you!