grace

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” ― Mary Oliver

This week was overwhelming. I learned a lot this week, about high school things like chemistry and english, and about other things too, like love, and where my identity is, and grace.
While I got good news from my doctors earlier this week, there's something bittersweet about the whole thing. It's good and it's happy and I'm happy, but it's also scary and sad and full of so much emotion I can't even describe. I am overwhelmed by grace, because I really deserve none of this. I feel like I'm standing on something that is changing. The ground beneath me is shaking, and the world is spinning and it's hard to stay upright. Change is taking place here, something big, I can feel it. I'm excited, but it's hard too.
This week was the salty sweet kind. Days would come and I would end up crying in front of the TV or as I wrote something on my computer or as I sat in a chair after getting up in the morning. It's overwhelming and I can barely take it all in. I considered hibernation, curling up in a cave and sleeping until I figured out what to do with this beautiful mess I call life. I spend one moment falling apart and the rest of the day piecing myself back together. Slowly, piece by piece, I gather up my broken courage and muster up a timid roar. As it turns out I'm not feeling so brave or fearless these days, just sad. It's not a bad kind of sadness either, just a kind of sadness that takes time.
And so this is it. I must learn how to sit with this space in my head and in my soul. I must learn how to respond to this unending grace in the only way I know how - with unending gratitude. I must learn how to stand on my own two feet and find my courage again when everything is shifting around me and I feel so unstable in where I stand in and in who I am.
But I am keeping this list of tiny blessings, my grateful response to this amazing grace that has been showered upon me. And while the good things don't necessarily cancel out the bad, the bad too, I am learning, is a gift.

158. Dr.M
159. Eating at the Olive Garden

162. Stable


169. Heels that click when I walk

172. Overwhelming grace
173. PJ day
174. Laughter
175. Understanding
176. Hot Bubble baths
177. Accomplishment
178. Grey's Anatomy nights
179. space
180. frog socks

183. aha! moments
184. The reminder that I am enough today

186. Bowling
187. Friends
188. A day spent in town with my mama
189. discovery
190. finally catching up on some school'
191. blonde
192. love
193. Kendall's blog post
194. Friday

I want to... part 2

I want to jump in a lake and swim to the bottom where it is the coldest and stay there until i feel like my lungs will explode

I want to curl up under a pile of blankets- even though we're in the middle of a July heatwave - and sit on the couch, which has become my companion these last few days, and just sit, maybe reading, maybe watching some 'bad' TV, maybe eating, but mostly sitting... and thinking

I want to call up one of my friend's on the phone, and just listen to them breathe

I want to fall asleep listening to Scottish Music (My new love!)

I want to eat things that make me feel good: some changes are just harder to make

I want to wear long flowy dresses without caring how practical they are - if only i could get out of these darn PJ's

I want to be on the missions trip again, where I was this time last year, when everything was more certain and I felt Him there, where i fell in love

I want to talk to Spencer, cause it's his birthday on the 12th. I want to congratulate him, but there's no congratulations to be had. So instead I want to celebrate the life he had, the special gift he was to me - and to everyone he met - and to wish we all got to have one more conversation with the guy that impacted us so greatly

I want to write until my fingers ache and until there's no words left pouring out of my soul. they might not make sense, but at least it's something

I want to read blog entries about things that stirr my heart and make me feel something I can relate to

I want to hide away from the world, sitting on my couch with a cup of tea under a pile of blankets and watch grey's anatomy until my eyes burn... and then i want someone to come and rescue me

i want to stop writing wanting posts, 'cause i think they might be becoming my new thing, and we already know i have enough of those.

7 Quick Takes Volume 6

1. It seems like I haven't written/blogged in a while. Every time I think I should write a post and try to sit down and write one, nothing comes out ~ well nothing coherent anyway. Like Augustus Waters says in The Fault in Our Stars "My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations."
2. On the note of The Fault in Our Stars, I'm reading it for the third time since I got it about a week ago. I literally can't put it down! Everytime I read it, I discover something new to fall in love with, or fall in love with the same thing more and more. I know there are lots of people who've read this book, but it feels like my book. It's my story written in those pages. The thoughts that Hazel voices are my thoughts.
3. I got my hair cut on Monday. And my whole plan was to take a picture today and upload it onto the blog, but I'm too lazy to go dig for my camera and the cord, so I'm just going to describe it. It's short, and I think it kinda looks like Michelle Williams meets Kiera Knightley when she had short hair. But that's just me.
4. Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice season finale's were this week. That kind of made me sad, because... well it just did. They were both really intense finales. And I cried... in both of them. I can't wait to see what will happen next season, but, alas, I will have to wait. That's when I'm thankful for seasons on DVD!
5. I've had a couple of really bad nights, and days. And I kind of hate saying that I had a really bad night/day, but I did. In Campus Church on Wednesday, one of the things the preacher was talking about was God's call on our lives, and He had 5 points. All throughout the time I was listening, I kept hearing "I have you here for a reason." And He does. God has me here, right where I am, for a reason. And, in someway, He is going to use me. In someway I can't even see yet, this trial that is breaking my heart and taking everything so I have nothing left, He's going to use that. He's asking me, "Will I follow, even now? Will I still trust Him?" And the answer is yes, but only by His grace.
6. I am so excited it's the long weekend. I am really in need of a break. I keep thinking "Well, just make it past Tuesday and your busy streak will, hopefully, be done for a bit." But what about today? What about these 4 wonderful days off I've been given? So I'm going to rest
7. Can I tell you a secret? I'm going to be ok. Did you know that? I don't know if I did, and if I did I don't know if I've been clinging to God's promise that He knows the plans He has for me. But I'm going to be ok, no matter what happens. Everything is going to be ok, cause He's got the whole world in His hands. And In His Hands in the best place to be.

Popcorn and Pedicures

Today I went to see my mentor, Paula. We usually try to get together on Friday's, and since I'm still on Christmas break (Don't go back till Monday) I was able to arrive on her doorstep at 10:30. Jaxon came along to play with her daughter and we set up the foot baths, poured the coffee, popped the popcorn and snuggled down into the chairs in the living room. I stayed there for nearly 4 hours. We talked, and painted our nails, and ate. My toes are happily painted in blue with shimmering sparkles, and my feet are soft, but more importently, my soul is refreshed. Despite how lovely it is to go there and take care of myself, when I go there I get something more then happy feet.
I love it there, her little house. I love the old barnwood style floors, and the word create on the wall with the definition. I love the organized chaos. But more then that, I love the people. When I'm there I feel safe. I don't have to think, or care. I don't have to pretend, or hide. I can be me, and I can relax and let my guard down for a while, and just be.


P.S, Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice both started again last night! Finally, my Mcdreamy addiction was fufilled!

Inertia

"You think you're going to die. And then you think maybe you can beat it, maybe you'll be the miracle. And then this - good news - and you don't know what to do."
I heard this quote while watching Grey's Anatomy last night (Season 6 was one of my birthday presesnts!) and I think it totally fits with how I feel.
I thought I was going to die. In your mind, you automatically go to that place, the place where it's always the worst case. As much as I tried to keep myself from going there, it didn't work. In my mind, I was fearing the worst, and in my mind I thought it was possible that I would die.
And then there's that what-if. What if it isn't something awful? What if I can beat whatever this is? What if...
And then it happens, the best case scenerio, the best news that you are probably going to get. And I don't know what to do. I don't know how to react to this, how to understand. I don't know what to do.
Everything has changed, everything has shifted. The road I was walking on has become a different road, full of twists and turns and bumps, new adjustments I have to make. It's all changed.
In Science today we learned about inertia.
Inertia is the tendancy to resist change.
In school we were talking about it in regards to physics, but I can't help but think it applies to me too.
I've been given this diagnosis, which is about as good as it is going to get. I'm going to stay on my meds and we're going to keep an eye on it. I was bracing myself for something bad, and now that it's the best case scenerio, I don't know what to do.
Everything has changed, and it's all different now, and it's not at all what I thought it was going to be... and I don't know what to do.
I guess it's ok to grieve. It's ok to walk around in this not knowing state for a while. It's ok to be afraid, knowing that things could change in an instant, and that there will be pain and difficulties in my future. It's ok for me to not know what to do. What I thought was going to happen, what I braced myself for, it's not happening, and that's a good thing, but everything I was preparing myself for has changed, and everything I was used to before has changed to, stretching and shifting to accomodate this new diagnosis.
It's ok to not know, but I can't be stuck in this inertia, in this place where I am unwilling to accomodate change, and to grow.
So I don't know, and for now that's ok. Everything I thought I had has changed, and it's ok to grieve over the loss of what I had. But I need to make changes, to adjust. I can't stay here forever, I need to let this cause me to grow. Soon, I think, everything will be a little easier. Hopefully it will be easier to understand, and to keep my footing as my world shifts around me.

Keep Calm... and watch Grey's Anatomy

"You just have to know. And when you don't know? No one can fault you for it. You do what you can, when you can, while you can. When you can't, you can't."

Obsessions, addictions, we all have them to some degree. They are the thing that makes you feel better on a bad day. They are were you can lose yourself. I know I have mine. And today was one of those days when you just *need* to forget, to lose yourself in something and forget. So I did. In my lime green scrub pants, I sat on the couch, and watched episode after episode of Grey's Anatomy. I lost myself in Alex and Izzie and George and Callie's crazy love triangle. (If it has 4 sides, does that make it a square? a love square?) I lost myself in a guy cutting off his own foot and a boy trick or treating for ears. Hour after hour after hour, I sat there. And I did forget. I did forget what had me so upset from that morning. I did forget everything, and I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and I was happy. I know this sounds crazy, and it probably is. But sometimes it's nice to forget. Sometimes it's nice to not worry about everything that's going on that you can't fix, and take some time out... for you. Even if that means watching grey's in scrub pants, for hours.

When skys are grey, Grey's Anatomy is my only medication.

Lost Brain Cells, and My Strange Addiction

Today was a day of lost brain cells. I've been doing school since 9:00 this morning. I studied for a science test, I drew a climatograph more times then a person 'ought to draw a climatograph in their life. I did a math problem over, and over, and over, and over and still did not end up with the right answer. My brain cells have died, causing me to be extra jumpy and scream at toasters. And yes, I do mean scream at toasters. I had a bagel in earlier, and I was waiting for it to pop, and when it did it scared me so bad I screamed and jumped a good foot off my chair.

Today was a trying day for me. But at least this school day has come to a close and I have one thing to look forward to.

In case you didn't know... GREY'S ANATOMY STARTS TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am happy, because my strange addiction will finally get what it's been craving... Mcdreamy. (And Karev, can't forget Karev.)

This was written post dead brain cells. All the brain cells may not have been replenished at this point in time. Anything I write or do can not be held against me. :)

Last Night