"You think you're going to die. And then you think maybe you can beat it, maybe you'll be the miracle. And then this - good news - and you don't know what to do."
I heard this quote while watching Grey's Anatomy last night (Season 6 was one of my birthday presesnts!) and I think it totally fits with how I feel.
I thought I was going to die. In your mind, you automatically go to that place, the place where it's always the worst case. As much as I tried to keep myself from going there, it didn't work. In my mind, I was fearing the worst, and in my mind I thought it was possible that I would die.
And then there's that what-if. What if it isn't something awful? What if I can beat whatever this is? What if...
And then it happens, the best case scenerio, the best news that you are probably going to get. And I don't know what to do. I don't know how to react to this, how to understand. I don't know what to do.
Everything has changed, everything has shifted. The road I was walking on has become a different road, full of twists and turns and bumps, new adjustments I have to make. It's all changed.
In Science today we learned about inertia.
Inertia is the tendancy to resist change.
In school we were talking about it in regards to physics, but I can't help but think it applies to me too.
I've been given this diagnosis, which is about as good as it is going to get. I'm going to stay on my meds and we're going to keep an eye on it. I was bracing myself for something bad, and now that it's the best case scenerio, I don't know what to do.
Everything has changed, and it's all different now, and it's not at all what I thought it was going to be... and I don't know what to do.
I guess it's ok to grieve. It's ok to walk around in this not knowing state for a while. It's ok to be afraid, knowing that things could change in an instant, and that there will be pain and difficulties in my future. It's ok for me to not know what to do. What I thought was going to happen, what I braced myself for, it's not happening, and that's a good thing, but everything I was preparing myself for has changed, and everything I was used to before has changed to, stretching and shifting to accomodate this new diagnosis.
It's ok to not know, but I can't be stuck in this inertia, in this place where I am unwilling to accomodate change, and to grow.
So I don't know, and for now that's ok. Everything I thought I had has changed, and it's ok to grieve over the loss of what I had. But I need to make changes, to adjust. I can't stay here forever, I need to let this cause me to grow. Soon, I think, everything will be a little easier. Hopefully it will be easier to understand, and to keep my footing as my world shifts around me.