Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Every Part of Me

I feel like I haven't posted in a while, like really posted.
I wrote my post for father's day, and I did a brief 7 quick takes, but I haven't really posted for 12 or so days.
I don't know when I'll get back to posting regularly (not just popping in every week or so with a guilt post!) Maybe when I get my life figured out (Though we all know that will never happen) or maybe when I actually have time to sit down and breathe and get my thoughts in order.
It's been a crazy week. I didn't post for a while because my own computer was in the shop, and though I did post I didn't feel like blogging until I had my own space back where I could blog to my heart's content. And then life happened, and things got in the way and stuff happened and I couldn't get my thoughts out in such a way that it wouldn't sound odd. I'm still not back to posting (This is one of those guilt posts I was talking about) and I'm not sure when I will be, when I'll be able to write again and make words that make sense and think thoughts that make sense and just think and breathe and BE!
This is exam week, also known as the craziest most stressful week in the entire high school education year. I had an exam yesterday, and my last one is on Friday. I can't wait! I'm counting down the days until I can burn all those piles of homework and ship off the text books and just enjoy life and BE without having to constantly be thinking about school and which assignment is due when and which teacher needs which form and when the next unit test is. I'm nervous for my exam, but I think I'm going to do ok. So, if you think of it, try and remember to pray for me Friday morning!
It's also been a stressful week as this week, my pump has decided not to work AGAIN! That means it's late nights, and frustration and exhaustion. Even if I'm not up that late, it is really exhausting, and just another reminder of how different my life is. It did go a while without beeping, and now that I'm looking back on those days I'm wishing I would have enjoyed them more. It was bliss, and as easy as it was to fall into the pattern of not constantly worrying and holding my breath, I was surprised, and saddened, by how easy and how natural it was to go back to this pattern of being up till 12:30am fixing a beeping pump.
It's also been more phone calls to doctors, more waiting, more tests (I have calluses on my fingers to prove it!) I don't know exactly what's going on, but it's more waiting. I'm kind of getting used to this waiting. I've also been feeling pretty lousy lately, which adds another layer to my exhaustion.
Reading over this, I'm realizing how busy my week sounds, how stressful, how exhausting. And it is, exhausting I mean. It's tiring and it's exhausting and it's all these things I wish I didn't have to go through (I'm pretty sure every high school student wishes they didn't have to do exams, but you know what I mean, all this other stuff)
But this is what I have to go through, and this is my life. It's exhausting and frustrating and a constant battle. But it's my life, it's all I've got. And it's so foreign to normal people, and that's something I've been struggling with (How to balance my 'normal' life and my sick life, trying to not shut myself down because normal people really don't understand!)
But it's a part of me. Just like I have blonde hair and hazel eyes, just like I change my blog backround more times then I can count because I never like it how it is, just like how I'm addicted to Grey's Anatomy and how I love to write.
Imagine if you were only noticed for one trait, like what color your hair was or what hand you wrote with instead of all of you.
It's like that. Yes, I'm sick and sometimes that fact is so overwhelming I forget to see anything else, but in all honesty that's not who I am.
I'm a girl, who has blonde hair and hazel eyes and is addicted to Grey's Anatomy and loves to write... and I just happen to have a chronic illness.

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