Friday, June 29, 2012


Being sick is hard. Looking back over my life, it is one of the hardest things I've had to do. Even this morning, I'm sitting here with my hair half in a wierd looking ponytail, in track pants and a tee shirt. One thing a lot of people don't realize is that many chronic illnesses are actually invisible, like mine. So though I may look like a supermodel on the outside, I can feel like I'm dying on the inside. Even having a simple conversation, or doing a simple task, it's like an acting game.

"Ok, just a few more minutes. Keep breathing, there you go. Oh look at that, my feet are turning purple. I wonder if it brings out the color in my eyes. Who am I kidding, my eyes aren't purple. And, oh when was the last time I ate? Well I can't eat a brownie (Or whatever yummy sugary snack is being served) because I've already had (Insert sugary treat here) today. And... oh what was she saying? Focus, Alisha, focus. Here, lean up against this post. There you go, and if you do it casually everyone is just going to think you are super cool instead of dizzy. Come on heart, get some blood pumping, it feels like Antartica in here! Breathe, Alisha, just breathe. Something about that new movie, that's what they were talking about, right? Say something, nod meaningfully.... Hands, stop shaking. They're talking about the new movie they went to, why didn't they invite me? Well, if they did I probably couldn't have stayed out that late anyway. I should ask them about... what should I ask them about? Penguins? No, that's not it. Uh... actors, that's it! I should ask them about the actors. Come on, don't give up on me now!"

Oh, what strength it takes to get through a 5 minute conversation. I often find myself having those thoughts when somebody else is talking and I'm just supposed to be listening. It happened a lot during ministry team. But when I would try to move my leg to look at my feet to see if they were resembling a grape I would kick the person across from me in the shin.

Like I said, being sick is a constant marathon. I'm wondering if maybe I should start calling myself superwoman. And when the next well meaning person asks me how I am or tells me how good I look, I'm wondering if I should say, "Why yes, but don't let my supermodel good looks decieve you, on the inside I feel like I'm dying."

Ok, so I'm not a supermodel, I bear no resemblance what so ever to a particular actress, But I might just be supergirl. And this post might be kind of random, and lame, but let's just blame that on my sleep deprived exhaustion, shall we?
Sometimes you just have to find the humor in the bad days and find a way to laugh.

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