I was told by someone to begin statements with I...
So here it is, a composition of I statements, for you.
I do love you, and am grateful for your friendship
I do want to hear about your life, to join with you in knowing the secrets of your heart
I do want to be able to talk to you, to be able to speak freely and openly
But I am angry at you
I am jealous, and frustrated every time you tell me about your life
It's like the grass is always greener thing, isn't it?
I want the life that you have, I want that perfect job, the perfect grades, the perfect love and life
And I know it's not perfect, and I know that everyone has flaws
But I know that's the way it seems from over here, as I am drowning in things that are a constant reminder that my life won't ever be 'normal.'
I know there is no such thing as normal, and that there are a million ways that it could be said so that it doesn't seem like such a huge deal
But it is a huge deal, to me
I am struggling, and I do feel helpless under the weight of all these things I can't fix
I do get frustrated, and angry, when I see your life and when I see you smiling and happy and having all of those things I wish I could have
I feel like you don't understand - actually I know you don't understand - and I feel like you're trying to take away from the hugeness that this is for me. Because this is a big deal for me, it is my life.
I know there is no right way to handle a situation like this, and I know you're doing the best you can
But I don't need your best. Your best is actually what I don't need, it's frustrating me.
I don't need you to try and make me feel better, to yank me up by my boot straps and ask me all these questions and try to make me see that your life isn't perfect
I don't need you to pretend like you understand, or even to bring up all these things about me being sick
I don't know what I need, and that's scary. As much as this is uncharted territory for you, it also is for me.
I need you to recognize me, as a whole person, with many parts, of which being sick is only one
I need you to sympathize with me on those bad days, to accept that you don't understand my life, and just to let me feel what I'm feeling in that moment
I need you to not try and make me see the bigger picture, or ask me a million questions. I know you're trying to help, but I also can't handle that in this moment
I need you to let me talk about it when I need to talk about it, and to not talk about it when I don't want to talk about it
I'm not totally sure of what I need. I need you to understand, but I don't know how that looks
I need, I want, I feel, I am...