Here's to the good times (A thank you letter)

This is a thank you letter


This is a thank you letter to the world that birthed me, that raised me up to become the person I am today, to the trees and the rocks and the flowers and the ocean, to the stars that formed me and then called my name, reminding me that I always belong somewhere, this one is for you.
This is a thank you letter to those who were present that night when I was born, for the doctor who said "It's a girl!", for the nurses who cleaned me up and set me in my parent's arms, who made me the most special, newest human on earth for brief seconds, this one is for you.
This is a thank you letter for my parents who chose life, who decorated my nursery and took pictures of my firsts that would fill my baby book to remind me that I didn't have only lasts, but also firsts, who stood beside my bedside time and time again, tirelessly, late into the night, standing guard like soldiers, this one is for you.
This is a thank you letter to the friends I had growing up, who taught me the basics of human interaction. Even though we were just silly kids, I always believed we could be something more.
This one is for the people who bruised my heart, the ones I can still count off on my fingers. They say you always remember the bad things more than the good things and I guess they're right. I still remember it all. But thank you anyway, because you showed me who I could be.
This one is for the missions team that summer when I was 14, who were there for me when I needed someone, who taught me that love is really the strongest force of all.
This one is for the people who told me I couldn't do it. I proved you wrong, thank you for pushing me to try.
This is a thank you to the poets, the philosophers, the kind souls who touched me with their light and reminded me that we are not alone on this gauntlet, who encouraged me, listened to me, and laughed with me. Without you I wouldn't be half the creative mind I am.
This is a thank you for the friends that saved me, the best friends who remind me who I am even when I forget
For the friends I met when I decided to fearlessly step out of my comfort zone this year, who endured stress and teachers and tests with me, but also so many laughs, debates, questions and who connected with me in such an amazing way
For the people that don't quite fit, who are pushing against labels and boxes, this one is for you
This is for the ones who told me it was ok to be loud, to use my voice, to be passionate and opinionated and fierce
This is a thank you to all the boys I wrote poems about
This is a thank you to all the amazingly strong women who taught me what it means to be a woman, to be strong and smart and kind
Here's to John Green videos on bad days, late night conversations and music
This is a thank you to the doctors who saved me, the friends who saved me, the family that saved me, the words that saved me
This is for the teachers that inspired me, the poets that moved me, the moments that screamed Remember this
Here's to road trips, country music, taking adventures and writing about them
This is a thank you to the boy on the bus that one summer, the boy in the hospital waiting room, the boy in Chapters with a book and headphones, this is for all the people who's stories I've told without knowing their names
You matter
Thank you
Here's to the good times

I need you

So I'll be honest. I need you. I need you to hold me, because I have this crazy notion that once you hold me, everything will be right again, or I'll at least have the strength to face it. I need you to make me believe in myself again. I need you to be that person I could talk to about anything, about everything, because I miss that person the most. I need you to be my wall, to hold my hand and help me weather the storm, to let me lean into your strength. I need you.

Dear Little Girl Me

Ever have those moments when it seems like everything is happening too fast? Like blink and you'll miss years of your life? I know parents are supposed to feel that way as they watch their kids grow up, but do you ever feel like that? I know I do. I'm feeling like that right now, that when I blink again I'll be all grown up and heading off to college and starting a family of my own. And it'll all be over, all of this. It seems like not that long ago there I was, a little girl, waiting on this day, the day that I would finally be a teenager. I remember I practiced for it. My and my best friend, we would dress up, I wore a lovely dalmation spotted coat, and we would walk down the street and imagine what life would be like when we were finally here. We would imagine the boys we would date, the clothes we would wear, the cars we would drive. But we didn't know that teenagers didn't play house on the dirt hill after school. We didn't know that when you got to this place, these teenage years, everything would be so different then you'd imagined it being. Instead of dating and turning heads of all the guys in the building, you'd be sitting there, longing for the guy you have a crush on to just look at you and smile. Instead of wearing all the cool clothes, you would wear tee shirts and jeans, because you could totally break your ankle in heels. Instead of driving around that cool convertable, you would be sitting behind the wheel of your mom's SUV, scared to death, afraid that one wrong move would send you over the cliff. We didn't know that when we where little because teenagers were these people that could do no wrong, they were these idols. And now we're here. Now we're at the place where nothing is as simple as it used to be. Looking back, it seems like everything has happened so fast. I'm not that little girl anymore, I'm the teenager that little girl always wanted to be. But it's not at all like I thought it would be and sometimes I just want to curl up beneath the covers and close my eyes and bring that little girl back. I just want to play house on that dirt hill after school. I just want to go back, to be that carefree little girl again. Because everything is changing so fast and I just want to put on the brakes and say "Stop!" I'm not ready to be this teenager who drives and has responsibilities and cares more then she would like to admit about how she looks or boys. I want to go back, but no matter how much I want to freeze time it's not going to happen. No matter how much I wish I could just stay here forever, never get older, I know that something amazing is waiting for me just over the horizon, in the short time it will take me to fully 'grow up.' And that no matter how fast this ride is going and no matter how much I want it to stop, it's here now and if I blink I just might miss everything that may have been importent to me, all these memories. This is who the little girl has become. This is the teenager the little girl imagined herself as. She's not coordinated or a beauty queen. She doesn't turn the heads of every guy or drive a cool car or wear cool clothes. But she has everything she needs. She has friends and family who love her, even when she's clumsy and crazy. Somehow, all those other things little girl me wanted don't seem so importent anymore. Sure, I still care about how I look or about catching the attention of that oh-so-lovely boy sitting across the room, but that's not 'it.' So, my dear little girl self, I may not have everything you wanted me to have, but I have everything I need. I may not be able to stop time but I can enjoy every single minute of this amazing ride. Somehow, I think you would be proud of the young woman you became.

'I've apparently been the victim of growing up, which apparently happens to all of us at one point or another. It's been going on for quite some time now, without me knowing it. I've found that growing up can mean a lot of things. For me, it doesn't mean I should become somebody completely new and stop loving the things I used to love. It means I've just added more things to my list'