Saturday, August 13, 2011

Dear Little Girl Me

Ever have those moments when it seems like everything is happening too fast? Like blink and you'll miss years of your life? I know parents are supposed to feel that way as they watch their kids grow up, but do you ever feel like that? I know I do. I'm feeling like that right now, that when I blink again I'll be all grown up and heading off to college and starting a family of my own. And it'll all be over, all of this. It seems like not that long ago there I was, a little girl, waiting on this day, the day that I would finally be a teenager. I remember I practiced for it. My and my best friend, we would dress up, I wore a lovely dalmation spotted coat, and we would walk down the street and imagine what life would be like when we were finally here. We would imagine the boys we would date, the clothes we would wear, the cars we would drive. But we didn't know that teenagers didn't play house on the dirt hill after school. We didn't know that when you got to this place, these teenage years, everything would be so different then you'd imagined it being. Instead of dating and turning heads of all the guys in the building, you'd be sitting there, longing for the guy you have a crush on to just look at you and smile. Instead of wearing all the cool clothes, you would wear tee shirts and jeans, because you could totally break your ankle in heels. Instead of driving around that cool convertable, you would be sitting behind the wheel of your mom's SUV, scared to death, afraid that one wrong move would send you over the cliff. We didn't know that when we where little because teenagers were these people that could do no wrong, they were these idols. And now we're here. Now we're at the place where nothing is as simple as it used to be. Looking back, it seems like everything has happened so fast. I'm not that little girl anymore, I'm the teenager that little girl always wanted to be. But it's not at all like I thought it would be and sometimes I just want to curl up beneath the covers and close my eyes and bring that little girl back. I just want to play house on that dirt hill after school. I just want to go back, to be that carefree little girl again. Because everything is changing so fast and I just want to put on the brakes and say "Stop!" I'm not ready to be this teenager who drives and has responsibilities and cares more then she would like to admit about how she looks or boys. I want to go back, but no matter how much I want to freeze time it's not going to happen. No matter how much I wish I could just stay here forever, never get older, I know that something amazing is waiting for me just over the horizon, in the short time it will take me to fully 'grow up.' And that no matter how fast this ride is going and no matter how much I want it to stop, it's here now and if I blink I just might miss everything that may have been importent to me, all these memories. This is who the little girl has become. This is the teenager the little girl imagined herself as. She's not coordinated or a beauty queen. She doesn't turn the heads of every guy or drive a cool car or wear cool clothes. But she has everything she needs. She has friends and family who love her, even when she's clumsy and crazy. Somehow, all those other things little girl me wanted don't seem so importent anymore. Sure, I still care about how I look or about catching the attention of that oh-so-lovely boy sitting across the room, but that's not 'it.' So, my dear little girl self, I may not have everything you wanted me to have, but I have everything I need. I may not be able to stop time but I can enjoy every single minute of this amazing ride. Somehow, I think you would be proud of the young woman you became.

'I've apparently been the victim of growing up, which apparently happens to all of us at one point or another. It's been going on for quite some time now, without me knowing it. I've found that growing up can mean a lot of things. For me, it doesn't mean I should become somebody completely new and stop loving the things I used to love. It means I've just added more things to my list'


ohimesblog said...

I know just how you feel! Every last word of it! It is so sad I just want to cry. I have four years left then I need to go to college and everything else. I am so over whelmed with it!
By the way this is Natalie from the real life blog.

Emii said...

So so true. Reminds me of "Blink" by Revive. Love that song. Who's the quote by, by the way?:)