Monday, October 8, 2012

Thanksgiving of 2012

I'm thankful for Maroon 5 songs on the radio
I am thankful for love, that I am loved, that I have people who love me, that I have a God who loves me
I'm thankful for gluten free thanksgiving dinners
I'm thankful for the ability to write, and make art, and make this world make a little more sense.
I'm thankful for emails on a Monday morning and hugs on a Thursday night and late night conversations on Wednesdays and Saturdays.

Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I was creating my thankful list. Thanksgiving apparently inspires in people the want of having something to be thankful for, and I am no exception, so I ticked things mentally off my list. Adam Levine on the radio, certain people who don't freak out when I pull out the crazy or don't respond to emails or cry on their couch, food and family and art.
And then I went deeper. What am I thankful for, really? And then the silent, still voice whispered back, "You're alive."
I'm alive, with every painful breath I take and every aching beat of my heart, I am alive. Though the pain is overwhelming at times, I am alive. I have lived to see another Thanksgiving.
Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I mean, if I'm brutally honest, sometimes i wonder if it's worth it. Often I think heaven would be better. But i don't want to die, I don't, I just don't know how to live yet. I don't know how to live without the blind hope and fighting every single minute of every single day to get answers. 
So, this Thanksgiving, I am grateful to be alive. in Church yesterday, I told God that if He wasn't going to make me better, then He had to make something good come out of this. And I have to trust that He will, I have to. I can't just believe all of this is for nothing, that I am sick and in pain and suffering for no reason, that I have lost so much for nothing. There has to be something more, something has to come out of this, and even if I don't see that right now I have to believe it's coming.
I'm thankful for life today, that I am still here, still alive, still breathing. I am thankful that I am loved, and that the God I love - and who loves me - has a plan, bigger then I can ever imagine.

What are you thankful for today?

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