Thursday, January 24, 2013

If I could...

If I could, I would go back in time. I would endure the sickness, the worry, the desperation. I would go through all the scans, the needles, the doctors visits, the tests. I would be given hope, then false hope, then no hope at all.
I would struggle through hospital stays, and days when I didn't want to get out of bed. I would do it all again just so I could live in this moment.
If I could go back in time, I would start at the beginning and marvel at every little thing, everything that caused me pain and agony, and all those amazingly good times too.
I would drink up every moment that I was alive, breathing, hopeful.
I would record every single happy moment, and even some of the not so happy ones. I would take pictures of the journey. I would be brave.
I would find the courage to speak, find the courage to share my truth. I would laugh more, cry less, and celebrate every moment I am living. I would make art, and share it. I would be honest and real. I wouldn't worry about the small things. I would be around people who inspire me and stop trying so hard to make people happy while risking my own happiness.
If I could, I would go back to where I stood, 12 years old, facing a mountain. I would take her hand and tell her to worry less and laugh more, to be alive in every moment, to never stop dreaming, to love with her heart wide open and to believe in herself above all else.
I don't know if I would have believed myself then, but I know now, and I guess it's never too late to start.
And so, I sit here thinking about all the things I would have done differently, but the thing is I would go through all of those heart breaking moments again if it meant I would end up here, surrounded by friends who make me deleriously happy, inspired, feeling happy and grateful, feeling like a survivor.
I would go through all of that again if it meant i would end up here.
Countless times, life chose me. I should have died, but I didn't. And so, I will choose life.

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