Tuesday, July 9, 2013

And then it was time to let go...

And then it was time to let go
It should be the name of a season, or a day of the week, at the very least.
Saturday, Sunday, Monday, And then it was time to let go

This is what I've been thinking of these past few days.
And then it was time to let go
Time to let go of dreams that aren't happening for me right now
Time to let go of pieces of the past I've been holding on to a little too tightly
I don't know why I hold on to things so tightly, but if I had to guess I think it would have something to do with fear.
Fear that if I don't do this, if I don't go with them, if I don't chase down this dream and pursue it and manifest it RIGHT NOW then I'm not going to matter.
Fear that if I let go of the past then it won't matter and it will just fall forgotten along the shores of life.
Fear that if I stop being who I'm pretending to be and if I lay down my stories and my titles and these dreams that I had for myself since I was a little girl I won't matter anymore.
But that's the thing, even if I have nothing I matter. You matter. That little kid in Africa matters and that homeless man on the corner matters and we matter.
And its nothing I did or didn't do and its nothing I said or didn't say and its not because of which stories I held on to and which ones I let go of.
I matter. My being here matters. My story matters and my pain matters and my life matters.
And yours does too.
And then it was time to let go
You know its time because you feel it. You get tired of carrying around this thing that isn't yours to carry anymore. And, for me, I believed I mattered even if...
Even if I let go of the pieces of the past I've been hauling around behind me for far too long now.
Even if I choose to be here in this moment, accepting that this dream I once had isn't happening for me right now and that's ok and it's even ok if dreams change.

I get attached to things, to stories and to dreams and to people and things. With every step closer to letting go, I wonder if I'm making a mistake. Even if my arms are heavy and my arms are tired, I will hold on to this thing or this dream or this story or this pain or this whatever with white knuckles.
I'm afraid to let go because I'm afraid of the unknown.
I like predictable and comfortable and even if its painful I know what's coming. I'm not one to really enjoy surprises and curveballs and I like to be in control.
But that's the thing, I can stay in the comfortable and the predictable and the known but it is only in the different and unpredictable that my life will change.
Change takes place when I am ready to let go of what I know and walk full speed, face first in to the dark. That's faith.
And letting go requires a leap of faith. It requires trusting in life and in yourself and in a God who works everything out for your good and His glory.
And then it was time to let go
And I knew this because I could feel it. It was something deep inside of me, making me believe that even if I let go I mattered. It was knowing that change happens in the unpredictable, the things that rock my world, and it is trusting in a God who loves me and knows everything that is on my path. It's the feeling in my chest, the antsy-ness I get when I know it's time to move on.
I only have so much room in my arms to hold things. And I get to decide what I hold. And I choose people. I choose love and joy and hope.
And in order to make room for those things that I want, I need to let go of what no longer serves me.
The journey that wasn't meant for me to take yet
The story I've been holding on to for too long, letting it define me
And then it was time to let go

1 comment:

Debmom4ca said...

In my experience when ever God has asked me to let go of something He has replaced it with something much better.