Sometimes I forget how blessed I am to have such amazing people in my life. I was reading a blog post written by my friend Courtney tonight, and she just reminded me of how there is victory not only in the big things, but in the little things too.
I've been so focused on the things I can't do, the things I've lost, all the negative things, and tonight I was just reminded of how much of what I am doing right now is a victory.
I'm eating when a few years ago they thought I never would.
I'm going to 'regular school' this year for the first time since grade 7.
I'm walking and talking and awake when I never should have been.
I've met the most amazing people because of being sick, people who continue to inspire me every single day, and are there to pick me up when I fall.
It's so easy to take the little things for granted. When life is one big battle and winning doesn't even seem possible, it's so easy to forget all these little victories, the things they said I could never do and that i am doing.
When I was at my doctor's on Friday, He told me that I could do whatever i wanted to do, that each step I'm taking is a small victory and to not let my conditions or having GSD or having Dysautonomia hold me back.
It's in the small victories where the battle is won. It's so easy to look over the things that seem so little because there is so many hard things, but these things really are victories, little battles that I keep winning day after day.
The fact that I am here is a victory, a battle I have won. The fact that I am eating is a battle I have won. The fact that I am able to go back to school this year (even part time) is another small victory.
It's not in the big things that the battle is won, but in the small victories.
In Sunday School this morning, we were talking about hearing God's voice. I'll be honest, at the beginning I almost laughed. I mean, really? I'm supposed to sit around for an hour and listen to people talk about when they heard God's voice and how He made everything ok for them and showed them the right path? Obviously I was getting the wrong idea.
Instead, I realized some pretty important things in that Sunday school class, which I'll try to (briefly) summarize here.
The main thing I was reminded of is "Trust what you know and not what you feel." It's been something I've gone back to a lot in these past 3 years, that even if I don't feel God, He's there. Easier said then done, right?
I was reminded of the time back in July, before I got a diagnosis but had a sense of what was coming. I remember feeling such a peace. Looking back now, I realized that that peace isn't a reflection on the lack of faith I have now (Lack of faith compared to then) but God's presence, Him taking me by the hand and saying, "Ok, Alisha, this is going to be tough, and it's going to hurt like crazy. But this is the right thing, this is where I want you to be. I've got you, I'm not letting go of you." Also, today something was said about in the Bible, God promising never to leave us. I've grown up in a christian home, I've gone to church all my life, I've known that promise, and yet why did it seem so new to me when I heard it today?
One passage I've come back to a lot over the past little while is the one where the Israelites wander around in the desert. I think we, or at least I, tend to focus on the cool stuff Moses did to rescue them from Pharaoh, and when Joshua and everybody walked around the city and the walls fell down. But it's the time in between I didn't really look at before... or at least I didn't until I was stuck in a wilderness of my own.
When the Israelites left Egypt and escaped Pharaoh, I'm pretty sure they thought they were free. God was going to bring them to the promise land sometime in the next little bit, and life was going to be good. Instead they wandered around in the wilderness, for 40 years. They suffered, a lot. One thing that stood out to me is that the Israelites were God's chosen people. And yet they ended up suffering big time. And then, when God finally decides to step in and take them to the promise land, they find out that their enemies live there. I can only imagine what they must be thinking then. I can actually imagine it's pretty close to what I've been thinking this last month. "Ok, God, I did what you asked. I've wandered around in the desert for years, I've suffered greatly, I've done my time, you can come rescue me now."
What is it that makes us think that, after we've suffered greatly, everything should just be smooth sailing from here on out, that God should just hand us everything on a silver platter.
I was undiagnosed for around 3 years, my own form of walking in the wilderness. Maybe I expected too much when I thought that once the diagnosis came, life would be smooth sailing.
I think I'm a lot like the Israelites in that way, that I've wandered around in the wilderness for long enough, that once I get delivered things shoudl be great.
But things aren't great. The Israelites encountered enemies in their land, and it turns out getting diagnosed isn't just a free ride, it hurts, A LOT.
I keep saying, "Ok, God, where are you? Why haven't you rescued me yet? Why am I still suffering so much?"
And then I hear Him whisper, "I'm right here, waiting until you trust what you know and not what you feel. I've never left you, not when you wandered in the wilderness and not now. I never promised life would be easy, but I promised you would never be alone. Just wait, the best is yet to come."
This morning I got myself out of bed, got dressed, and went to church...
After this particularly rough weekend, I was greeted by smiling faces (And coffee!)
There was one of my youth leaders. She sent me a message on Friday, saying she had missed me at youth and had a hug waiting for me. That's what I was looking forward to as I stumbled into church that morning. And as she gave me a hug, I felt myself relax. It was as if my body was saying "It's ok, you can rest here. You don't have to pretend." So, for the first time, I talked honestly about the struggles that I've been facing this weekend. I was leaning in, being real and honest. I wasn't standing alone trying to face the storm, but leaning in.
And during the service, the pastor was talking about doubt. He said "For the next two minutes, talk to someone next to you about the last time you doubted."
I was sitting at the end of the row, and there was two other people at the opposite end of the row. I figured they would talk amongst themselves and I was ok with just reflecting, because I knew the last time I'd doubted (It was actually yesterday!) But then this guy came over right into the seat next to mine and looked me right in the eye and said, "When was the last time you doubted?"
And I don't know what it was that caused me to be honest with this guy. I'd never seen him before, he was probably twice my age (Not quite, probably in his twenties, though) but it was like the words came out and I was real and I told this guy (Whom I'd never met) that it was a rough weekend and that I was doubting God when He said He knows the plans He has for me, and that He knows what he's doing. And then this guy shared with me about the last time he doubted that God knew what was best.
And during the service, I got this text. I opened it, and found a message from Paula. (Yes, we text each other in church, but this one was good, trust me!) And it was a Bible Verse. It was Hebrews 11:1-3, talking about faith being sure of things we can't see. Another reminder, another moment when it was like God was saying to me, "This is for you."
This Sunday was a whisper from God, saying, "It's ok, you can rest here."
And that's what the Body of Christ is, isn't it? A place where you can rest, and a place where you don't have to pretend. It's love and it's hope, and it's moving and touching those places in my heart I thought were growing cold and it's whispering, "You are loved, you belong here, it's safe here."
This is the church I am proud to go to, a church that loves and whispers the hope of Jesus. It's ok to be in a rough place, it's ok to doubt and to wonder. It's a safe place to be real and lay your burdens down at the feet of Jesus. You can rest here, it's ok, it's safe. Here is a place where you belong, where you are loved. You don't have to pretend, come as you are. Rest here, lay everything down at the feet of Jesus, and know that you are so dearly loved. You are not an island, you are here, among the body of Christ. You belong here.
When God nudges, beautiful things happen. When God hears the prayers of a lonely, broken girl, He can work in great ways. When God works, people come together.
It was a Sunday, and the last thing I wanted to be was alone. I knew there was a party going on at my friend's house, and my soul was in one of those restless longing phases, and I just wanted someone to come and knock on my door. I wanted company, wanted comfort.
And then I got the email...
I got the email that warmed up my heart and brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.
It was one of those emails that said everything I needed to hear at that time, that ministered to me in the place I was at, that gave me hope... and provided the comfort I was longing for.
It was one of those emails that can only be described as orchestrated by God.
In the first paragraph of the email I found the words, "God has prompted me to write you a wee note."
Like I said, when God works, beautiful things happen. When God works, people come together.
I couldn't wrap my head around the beautiful truths and encouragement I found in that little message. It was like God had reached down and said, "Alisha, I haven't forgotten about you. You may feel lonely, but I am here. You want comfort, but I am already waiting and all you have to do is receive. The gifts I give you are good, I know what you need."
Because when God works, people come together. When God hears the prayers of a lonely, broken girl in need of comfort and answers and hope, beautiful things happen.
When people respond to God's gentle nudges, they can be used as vessels of hope, the answer to the prayers of a girl miles away.
I wish I could find the way to describe everything I felt reading that email. Because it was beautiful, and it gave me hope, and it made me smile, and it reminded me of the truth that is so easily forgotten as I'm walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
I wanted a friend that day, and I did get one, just not in the way I expected. It wasn't a face to face conversation that restored my soul, but a simple email from a beautiful woman miles away.
When God nudges, beautiful things happen. When God hears the prayers of a lonely, broken girl, He can work in great ways. When God works, people come together.
1.Today was a good day. I went to hang out with Paula (Are you seeing now that usually when I hang out with Paula, it makes a good day?) We moped together and laid in the sun together and talked and went to the park with coffee's. It was a good day.
2. I had a good phone conversation with my Manitoba cousin, Jocelyn, today. I think we talked for like an hour, and I'm kinda glad she didn't just hang up on me as I kept rambling on. But apparently I give better advice then I thought I did.
3. So... I entered a library writing contest back in February. And, if you didn't know, I actually got second place. I know, I was totally shocked! I definatly didn't think my story was good enough to win, let alone be the second best in my age category! So, I'm getting published again, and I also get a cash prize. Can't believe I did that good, because in all honesty I thought my story wasn't that great. It was written in like 20 minutes before a school elive.
4. I've been listening to more Christian music lately, thanks to an online Christian television station for youth. I'm finding that most times I watch, something is on that I need to hear. Since I can't get the Christian radio station here at home, I find I've been listening less and less to Christian music, and I can definatly notice the difference it's making in my life now that I'm listening again. Kinda in love...
5."For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. I don't know why, but I'm kind of loving this verse. Usually I don't like verses (Or anything!) that is super popular or is used a lot, but this verse is one I'm really liking right now.
6. Little Miss Ivory (Paula's daughter) decided to draw me a picture today. It was a portrait of me, and of her. She's only 3, so her people weren't incredibly in depth (But what 3 year old's are?) After drawing for a bit, she looked up and made a comment about me being beautiful. Who knew God could speak truth into my life using a 3 year old? I love that girl.
7. I hope no one got tired of my rambling. I figured I haven't posted in so long, so I should update people on what's been going on in my life. This was kinda like a 7 quick takes on a Wednesday...
I got a package today. It's one of the best kinds, the big ones in cardboard boxes with pink wrapping paper. Like I said, the best kind. I was in the middle of writing a Christmas letter to slide in with the Christmas present I had just finished wrapping. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and my mom came in, the package in one hand, a birthday card in the other. I put aside my letter and tore into this best-kind-of-package, carefully peeling away the tape and pulling the gift, wrapped in pink paper, out. It was a book, Paperdoll by Natalie Lloyd, sporting a hot pink cover. Very girly and fun! I turned it over in my hands, running my fingers over the smooth cover. Out fell a small, white envelope. I opened it, and inside was the tiniest cutest pink button. I smiled to myself and flipped through the pages, finding a bookmark hidden within them. Inside the book, in swirly penmanship, I found it autographed. Here's what it says: " For Alisha - because you are courageous. and because you keep looking for the good and finding ways to encourage other people. You are an inspiration and a wonder. Thank you for being so wonderfully and uniquely you! I know the plans God has for you will be amazing. Shine... Natalie." I think this wonderful gift came at just the right time. It was a burst of encouragement, of hope, as we walk through these days of living life without our friend Spencer. So I challenge you, whatever storms you're walking through in your life, whether it be the journey of grief, depression, or simple day to day challenges, to look for the hope, that little bit of encouragement. And that hope may or may not come wrapped in pink paper!
