Saturday, April 9, 2011

Beauty from Pain

I was watching some old home movies today. I was watching them, and watching me, but it was like I was watching someone else. I was watching me, watching the easy way I was talking about being sick a lot and being in the hospital a lot. and it was like I was watching someone else. I know that I was watching me. But it was like I wasn't. I wasn't connecting the two, even though it's the same person. I was watching me, and my heart was breaking for this little girl who so easily talked about being sick. No little kid should talk so easily about being sick. About being in the hospitals so much and being sick lots. I was watching her/me, and I was hurting for her. I didn't want her to have to live like that, not when she was so young. I was hurting for her, because she was so little, and she should just get to be a kid. She shouldn't be talking so easily about being sick. I was watching her/me, and thinking it wasn't fair. And then, something clicked, and I realized that the little girl was me. I realized that the girl who was talking so easily about sickness and hospitals, was me. This girl who was having to deal with being sick when she should just be dealing with being a kid, was me. And my heart was breaking for her. I realized, watching little me, that a lot of people would say the same things about me right now. I should just be dealing with being a teenager. Not being sick. Not doctors and tests and constantly being aware. Lots of people would say that I'm too young for that. and maybe I am. But it feels normal to me. A little girl, a teenager, having to worry about being sick. ALL THE TIME. that's not fair, is it? It doesn't seem fair. I'm too young. That girl in the home movies is too young. It's not fair. But who said this world was fair? Growing up sick, as unfair as it is, has taught me so much, given me so much. It has taught me that I'm stronger then I know. It has taught me that the only limits I have are the one's I set for myself. It's showed me who I am. I've questioned God, and seen miracles. I've met so many people I would have never met otherwise. I've grown and changed, and learned that every single day counts, because it could be your last. I've learned, and am still learning, to never take anything for granted. I've learned what's importent in life. I've seen God's power in very real ways. And I know, that in the times when I can't deal with this anymore, that God's grace is enough for me. He'll be strong when I can't. He'll hold me when I can no longer stand. I've learned so much. So, as unfair as it all is, with all the times I just want to be normal, with all the times I don't want to have to be strong anymore, even with all of that, I wouldn't trade it. Because when I focus on the blessings and the opportunities, I don't think I would change a thing. I have seen Beauty rise from Pain

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