Monday, December 24, 2012

Twas the Night Before Christmas

It's the night before Christmas.
Everyone is snug in their new Christmas Eve pajamas. Tomorrow will bring the excitement of opening gifts and eating Christmas dinner with family.
But tonight is for silence, for listening for reindeer feet on the roof, for writing and contemplating and thinking how much things have change from last Christmas to this one.
We went to the Christmas Eve service at our church tonight. Last year we were in Manitoba so we didn't go to our own little Christmas Eve service and I found myself missing it, missing the way you saw friends as soon as you walked through the door and the beauty that went around the room as we all lit our candles.
This Christmas, I'll confess, I wasn't feeling very Christmasy. I was in the Christmas Spirit at the beginning of December and now that Christmas is actually here I was ready to be done with it all. Pack up the decorations, put away the tree, let's just move on with the time of year when everybody is supposed to be all happy and joyful.
And then there was the Christmas Eve service tonight and there was this one song that kind of changed everything for me.
It's been one of those years, one of those years when it feels like I am stretched and grown in every way.  It's been one of those years when you're broken down to nothing and then have to start rebuilding yourself again. It's one of those years when you kind of want to ask, "God, seriously? What are you doing here?" And I had to really ask myself if I believed God was enough to get me through this. There were a lot of days when I really didn't know. There are still days when I don't know, when I'd rather run from this place where God has brought me instead of continue forward, when I feel so broken and angry and sad and confused and I don't get it.

I was reminded of something tonight, something that I've been reminded of a lot over the past few months.
You are loved
It started with that one moment in early November in a hospital room and it's following me, being called out to me by mother's of friends and former piano teachers and friends. They all remind me of one thing: You are loved, more than you can imagine.

He loves me. He loves me enough to come to this sick, broken world and die for me. He loves me enough to not let me stay here in this place of pain and hurt.
He loves me, and because He loves me I can trust what He's doing.
And He says, "Something good is going to come out of all this, just you wait. Hold on, something great is going to happen."

My Soul Glorifies the Lord...

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