Sunday, May 18, 2014

Eff you, guilt

I had a moment earlier
I was sitting in the third last row of a nearly empty movie theater, watching a beautiful, funny movie and crying
I was overcome with a feeling of being totally inadequate.
I was paralyzed by the idea that I was not enough
Because I am graduating in 5 days and that fact scares me
Because I have no idea what I want to do with my life beyond the next 5 minutes
Because I chose not to go to a party
Because I feel conflicted about things
Because I still struggle with depression
Because I don't have a book published
Because I'm single
Because I am not a morning person
Because I am not grateful enough
Because I drink too much coffee
Because I have issues
You get the idea
I was completely overwhelmed with this idea that I will never be enough.
And I sit here feeling guilty because I am not this ideal woman (like she even exists!) and I think of what my life would look like if I did have it all together
As I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed tonight, playing the comparison game, I saw a video from my friend Jen. She was talking about guilt, and how it's her go to place.
She said that she was tired of guilt. Eff you guilt, she said.
And I found myself agreeing
I'm tired of feeling guilty
I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough, and that I have to feel bad for who I am or what happened in the past or the choices I make
When I got Jen's video, I needed someone to tell me that it's ok to not feel guilty
It's ok to feel what I feel and let that be ok
It's ok to screw up
And I know this, I do, but sometimes I forget. I forget that it's ok to just be human and that I don't have to be superwoman all the time
This is for the days when I spill coffee on my dress and trip up the stairs and bruise my knee and when I say no to going to a party and sit in a movie theater crying
I refuse to feel guilty about being human
I refuse to feel guilty about where I've been, or anything that has happened that has made me who I am today
Maybe I need this message every single day, because I tend to often go to that place of guilt and not enough and I suck when I'm stressed or exhausted. There is a land called passive agressiva and I am their queen. I become a not nice person when I am living from that place of guilt and fear and I suck and dishonesty.
And I'm tired of it
So maybe this message is for you. I know it's for me.
It's time to stop feeling guilty, and start living
I'll remind myself of this until I believe it

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this, Alisha! In a week of asking myself how to "be enough" and asking God how to work past that mindset, this post spoke a beautiful truth into my day.