Sunday, May 4, 2014

I thought I'd be here by now

 I want to be free.

I thought of the words as I watched them dancing, carelessly and effortlessly like they existed for no other purpose than to be fully alive in this moment.

 I hadn’t been free in a long time, not since I learned that it meant to be conscious of my body, since I learned to become who they wanted me to be, fit into the roles I was meant to play, even if that meant losing myself.

 I imagine you have hit an all-time low when you are envious of the birds, with the way they soar unchained and belonging to nothing except themselves.

 I want to be free.

 Even observing their freedom made my heart leap with possibility, despite the part of me that insisted I remain in my seat, sit quietly, not out of place.  I watched with a strange mix of envy and desire, a longing inside of me to exist outside of myself.

 I want that I could only whisper, like a child in a candy store.

 Whatever that is, I want that.

 For so long I have belonged to someone else. I have made myself smaller, my edges harsher or gentler, pushing and pulling and tugging and stretching and simplifying.

 I am tired of being the person I am expected to be.

 I am tired of waiting for the answer to be yes.

 Tears stream down my cheeks, as they always do the moment I experience a gasp of fresh air only to find myself choking on polluted oxygen a while later.

 I have spent my whole life reigning myself in, letting fear hold me in place. I am tired of listening to the voice in my head that says I am never enough. That these scars I wear are like chains around my ankles, holding me in place.

 I want to be free.

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