The beginning

I'm finding the only way I can write these days is in my novel. I journal, and send the odd random text or email  to a friend, but whenever I try to write on the blog, I come up short. I end up staring at a blank page for a long time, wondering if I'll ever be able to find a way to say what I feel. Anyway, here's another bit of that novel I've been writing.


Wednesday, August 3
It was the most bizarre feeling, as there had been no tests done to confirm that there was anything wrong, and as I had just been to the doctor’s that morning. There hadn’t been anything to indicate that anything was awry.
But as I lay in bed that night, I wept. I begged God for this not to be the case, for Him to miraculously heal me. It was the first time I’d ever prayed for healing, remembering how, in the Bible, Jesus had healed the blind and the lame, the leper and raised the dead back to life. In that moment, I hoped for no less for myself.
I felt Him say “no.”
My rational brain tried to tell me I was crazy, but I knew. Not in that moment, but soon after, I began to praise the One who gives, and takes away.
And He saw me…
On that lonely July evening, He came and met with me. And He remained there… and remains there still. His peace wrapped around me like a blanket on a cool November night. These days are imprinted on my memory, as a reminder of the Father’s faithfulness. Despite the loneliness that plagues me, there isn’t a moment when I’m alone.
Who I was before, who I am now, the waiting, and the knowing, it is a treasure to me, something more valuable then healthiness itself.
He is here, close by my side, and there is something beautiful in the knowledge that I am not walking this road alone.
I’m wondering if God’s timing, and His revelation, has anything to do with a redemption for me? I’m wondering if it is His way of bringing back the one He loves.

His

I haven't felt like blogging much.
I've been writing up a storm... but not here.
I started a novel less then a week ago, and am almost at 15,000 words.
I never planned to write a novel, or I did, but not this one.
And yet, this is the story that so easily flows out of me
It's honest & makes me stop for a minute and figure out who I really am
It's a good book & it's helping me through these times when it feels like there's not enough air for me to breathe
There's so much pain on this earth & my heart is longing for heaven
Maybe someday soon I'll share some of the pieces of this novel, cause it really is beautiful
For today, though, here's a little taste of what I've been working on...


Saturday, August 6

I love you, Lord.
 I believe you when you say nothing can separate us. Though my soul lacks words to pray, I believe you see me here. You see my broken body as it crumples down to the floor. You see my frustration at my inability to fix this situation- and to take away pain.
A while ago, I prayed you would use me, and who am I to take back that offer now? I don’t want my faith to change with the tides, because if it does it simply isn’t good enough.
He’s here, and He see’s every tear I cry and every time a smile crosses my face. He calls me His own, and is fiercely protective of me.
 Just as I am protective of my tiny secret, of my body, He is protective of me. And for a moment I almost have to pause and wonder why, but then His quiet whisper fills me ears, “Because you are mine.”
He loves me with a love that is greater then something I can understand, and even as I walk through this waiting vigil, He wraps His arms around me.
One thing I’ve learned, as I’ve waited and longed, is that the love God has for me is beyond what I can perceive. The plans He has for me are better than I could ever imagine. His plan for me is here still. And I trust Him so completely that there is nowhere else I’d rather be.

I want to... part 2

I want to jump in a lake and swim to the bottom where it is the coldest and stay there until i feel like my lungs will explode

I want to curl up under a pile of blankets- even though we're in the middle of a July heatwave - and sit on the couch, which has become my companion these last few days, and just sit, maybe reading, maybe watching some 'bad' TV, maybe eating, but mostly sitting... and thinking

I want to call up one of my friend's on the phone, and just listen to them breathe

I want to fall asleep listening to Scottish Music (My new love!)

I want to eat things that make me feel good: some changes are just harder to make

I want to wear long flowy dresses without caring how practical they are - if only i could get out of these darn PJ's

I want to be on the missions trip again, where I was this time last year, when everything was more certain and I felt Him there, where i fell in love

I want to talk to Spencer, cause it's his birthday on the 12th. I want to congratulate him, but there's no congratulations to be had. So instead I want to celebrate the life he had, the special gift he was to me - and to everyone he met - and to wish we all got to have one more conversation with the guy that impacted us so greatly

I want to write until my fingers ache and until there's no words left pouring out of my soul. they might not make sense, but at least it's something

I want to read blog entries about things that stirr my heart and make me feel something I can relate to

I want to hide away from the world, sitting on my couch with a cup of tea under a pile of blankets and watch grey's anatomy until my eyes burn... and then i want someone to come and rescue me

i want to stop writing wanting posts, 'cause i think they might be becoming my new thing, and we already know i have enough of those.

Deliver

de·liv·er
v.tr.
1. To bring or transport to the proper place or recipient
2. To surrender (someone or something) to another; hand over
3. To secure (something promised or desired)
a. To give birth to: She delivered a baby boy this morning.

8. To give forth or produce
9. To set free, as from misery, peril, or evil: deliver a captive from slavery. See Synonyms at save1.
v.intr.
1. To produce or achieve what is desired or expected; make good

I don't wanna write.
I want to curl up in bed and watch movies and drink tea.
But this morning, a friend called me as I had agreed to help her with some information she needed from her book. The first thing out of her mouth wasn't one of the questions we had already agreed on, but it was the honest question, "How are you?"
I wanted to cry.
I told her I'm ok, cause I am.
She'd entered in with me to this place, letting me talk when I wanted or not talk when I couldn't.
It reminded me of a time last summer, of borrowing strength.

It doesn't matter how long I've been wandering around in the wilderness. God always keeps His promises, even when you think morning is never going to come. His promise to deliver me, He kept it.
And when God promises a peace that passes all understanding, He really does mean it.

Push for your tush walk ~ a girl with GSD who wants to cure cancer

I did something today I thought I'd never do... I walked a 5K
It was only supposed to be a 1K, but once I got going, I felt like I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't at least try to make it all the way
So I walked, and walked, and nearly an hour later I crossed the finish line, gasping for air with my head held high
I recorded a message in my phone after we'd finished the race, and I said to myself "You will not believe how proud you are of yourself in this moment."
And I was so proud of myself...
It was a 5K to raise money for Colon Cancer. That was what my grandma passed away from, 4 years ago today. It started out as a family walk, something we were all going to do together.
But our little dysfunctional family isn't all so speedy, so we all split up, some crossing the line first and some of us limping along at the back of the pack
But as I began walking, it wasn't just about raising money for Colon Cancer.
It was about my grandma, and my friend Spencer, and my friend Emily, and for everyone who doesn't get to be a person here on earth anymore
It was about all of my friend's who are spending today in hospital beds or in wheelchairs, and who would give almost anything to be able to walk around for a day
It was about my friend Crystal and my friend Dre - who have had cancer, and who are fighting cancer, and who are surviving
It was about me, and spending my life defying the odds, and living outside of those lines and pushing myself and not giving up
When I crossed that finish line, the sense of pride and accomplishment that was there was amazing. I felt like I had done something that I didn't think I could do. Yeah, I'm sick and I was exhausted and didn't feel the greatest and it was hot... but I can.
I can walk and I can fight for a cure, so that other people don't have to go through a battle with cancer. I can fight for everyone who has cancer, so that they can fight for themselves and they can survive. I can walk for everyone who doesn't get to be a person anymore.
I walked a 5K today, because I can.
I defied the odds, I crossed the line, I tried and I made it
If I could have captured that feeling in a picture - the feeling i had as i crossed the line - the picture would be worth a million dollars. It would be a picture of pride, of accomplishment, of success.
But above all of those things, it would be the picture of a fighter... and a survivor

my life is a mystery ~ full of wants and wishes

I want to write about awesomeness...
I want to write about the awesome guy at the zoo wearing a kilt with long hair tied back into a ponytail, and earrings and these awesome boots.
I want to write about going to Cora's for breakfast this morning (restaurant, not a person's house) and trying this pork pate thing, because there's nothing I don't want to try once
I want to write about buying the new Maroon 5 album this morning at Starbucks, while I sipped my morning latte
I want to write about this guy I saw on the L.R.T coming back to the hotel from the Stampede, and how even though I was kind of staring like a crazy lady, I couldn't look away because there's something you see when you look at somebody else, that kind of connection that can't be explained, where you wonder what their story is, and you wonder if you look like that to other people
I want to write about sitting in the rain at the Stampede, and throwing my head back in laughter and feeling the rain on my skin and wondering if this is what being alive feels like
I want to write about reading this book for the millionth time because it feels like coming home, and it feels safe and secure when everything around me isn't
I want to write about all these questions going round and round inside my head, questions with no answers, or the answers leading to even more questions
I want to write about love, and those people...
I want to do things because I can and to live dangerously, outside the lines. I want to say what I think and to mean what I say and to have confidence and boldness and passion.
I don't want to live my life inside the lines, but outside of them, crossing them.
I want to write stories, and novels, and art
I want to write about all these fears and hopes and all these emotions inside of me that don't belong to anyone else, but sometimes i wish they did
I want to tell stories, my own story, and other people's, and I want to hear other people's stories about what makes them laugh, and cry, and hurt, and love
I want to stop writing a post starting with the words 'I want' because if I went on writing about everything I wanted right now in this very moment this post would be long...
I want to travel, and to fall in love, and to find something I'm passionate about, and to know what i want, and to live a life full of courage and bravery and strength, full of hope and vibrancy and maybe a little bit of magic. I want to say all those things I don't say but wish I did, and to be honest more, and to spend my days wandering through book stores and coffee shops wearing dresses.
I want to live fully, completely, 100%. I am afraid of the un-lived life.
I want to live fully, or not at all...

Flickering to life

Today I was at my friend Cairo's. In the afternoon, she had a fiddle gig, so I spent the afternoon hanging out with her amazing family.
I played some piano, even though I have no idea how to play those fancy chords!
And then her mama came home, and she sat down in front of the piano...
I watched her, the way her shoulders were leaning down, as if she was trying to protect this brilliant piece of music that she was birthing.
This, I remember thinking, is what feeling sounds like
And maybe you do have to come back to the beginning before you can start all over again
As the notes echoed out across the house, I thought of this place where beauty is birthed from trial and hope cries out to be noticed from its place among the thorns
I was filled with hope, as I listened
I was struck by the beauty and the passion
I was reminded of the strength that was hiding deep within me
Maybe it was still there. I hope it is
Sitting there, in that room beside this wonderful musician, I felt my heart flicker back to life

Lean into the music, and let it go. Let the pain you've been carrying for so long slide off your shoulders. You've got it in you to make it, to get through this, to awaken this summer that is crouching in the shadows of your soul and scare off this winter. Let your heart feel again, remember what it's like to live bravely, passionately, beautifully.

I wish I could perfectly describe what I felt in those moments: the feeling of my heart flickering back to life, the feeling of feeling something again, the feeling of beauty rising up and of the pain of life being transferred into a song.

This is what feeling sounds like, I whispered to myself. It was the same feeling I got last summer, as I listened to one of my friends playing guitar, the words he sang as if they were being whispered just for me, as hope and strength showered down over my heart and i was flickering back to life. Both of these moments, I was honored to be a part of.
It was the vulnerability and passion I saw wrapped up in these moments, the stirring of my heart.
So I let the sound float down over me, wrapping me in its gentle embrace.
It made my heart flicker back to life, made me remember my very heartbeat is a symphony. There is still life here, still passion and strength and hope hiding out in this heart.

Like a bird singing in the depths of winter, reminding you not to give up, that there is more coming still. Like a candle in the night, reminding you that brighter days are coming, that there is still hope dwelling here because it's not completely dark. Like a flower blooming on the first day of spring, reminding you that life is still alive and hasn't died under the chilling cold of winter. Like the lion's roar sending out a message of strength.

I want to make a mess of a story.

Make a mess of a song.
I want to do whatever it takes to get it out of me.
I want to lean into the lyrics again
and whisper over the words I'm most afraid of.
I want to find my way back.
and sing my way through.
I'll let these words be my map to someplace good.
That's all they've wanted to be all along, I think.