Sooner or Later I'm going to make it

Can I tell you how many times I've tried to write this post, and how many times I've erased everything I've written?
As I read back through my blog entries (I went back as far as this Spring) I wanted to cry. I've noticed how things have changed, and looking through my writings I can see how every post fit with the place I was in. Even when my blog entry had no mention to what I was going through in life, I could see it there, hidden between the lines, winking at me.
I've tried writing about my life, and it just wasn't happening. If I try to tell you where I'm heading, that's not going to happen either. But I can write about right now.
Right now, the house is quiet, and I'm sitting alone at the kitchen table, the only sound being that of my fingers hitting the keys.
I feel like I have nothing to write about, like I lost all honesty and boldness and the ability to actually say something worth reading.
I'm going to be ok, though. This long period, of losing my words, it's been good for me. Good, and also very frustrating.
Sooner or later, I am going to make it. I am going to find my voice again, and find out how to say everything that I am holding so tightly up against my chest.
Sooner or later, I am going to figure out this thing. I'm working on it, I am.
Sooner or later, I am going to make it.

Christianity Part 2

As I mentioned in Part 1, I'm tired of Christianity being something I so easily glossed over and took for granted. I want to wake up, to dig deep and to find more then surface level Christianity.
I wrote about rituals other religions have -meditation, specific prayers... - and I wondered about Christianity. I thought about how I, and I'm sure other people too, just took Christianity for granted. I knew God was always going to be there, I knew He knew what I was thinking so I didn't have to put it into words, I knew He loved me. But I wasn't putting anything in to this relationship. I was letting it become one sided.
In Church on Sunday, we had Communion. I do Communion every time our church does it, and I have even had some realizations sitting there holding the cracker, or the cup. But this time was different. It was actually me paying attention, actually realizing that, "Wow, I want every day to be like this, every minute to be a reminder of what Jesus did for me."
I want to be continually aware. I want to dig deep and become more then just fine in my relationship with God. I want it to be more then a passing thought.
These little tiny thoughts began floating through my head... What is I began reading the Bible more? What if I began actually being available and listening to hear God's voice?Maybe those other religions don't have it all wrong. I'm not saying their views on how to get to heaven and on God are correct, but maybe they know something we don't.
They sit for quite possibly hours at a time, just being still. They worship daily, reciting Scriptures and reading them aloud.
What would my life be like if I began doing that? What would it be like if I stopped rushing around, stopped taking for granted the wonderful relationship I have with God, and was still? What would happen if I took those few minutes out of my day to read a Bible passage, or to memorize a Scripture, or to just sit in silence and listen for God's voice?
There's so many thoughts I have on this topic right now, and I don't have time to unpack them all, but this is just a little bit of what I've been thinking.

Christianity Part 1

I'm reading a book that is challenging views I had on Christianity, and in a good way. The book I'm reading isn't written by a Christian speaker, Bible teacher or pastor. The book I'm reading is one woman's journey in search of herself, and God. The part I'm at now is the place where she finds God at a Buddhist temple in India. And yet, I am finding so many things I over looked in my own faith hidden within the pages of this woman's novel.
At the beginning of the book, it starts out when the main character is laying on her bathroom floor, and she talks to God for the first time. I was struck by the simplicity of her prayer, the way she called out to God and talked to Him like a friend.
"God? It's me, Liz."
Is it possible that we, as Christians, become wrapped up in fancy prayers with words like "Thou Art" and all these big fancy words that we forget the simplicity that I found as I read Liz's first prayer to God, the relationship?
And in the walls of the temple in India, as Liz prayed, and meditated and did whatever it is she did at that temple, I wondered if sometimes we take for granted our faith. As Christians, we go to church on Sunday and then we go about the rest of our lives, sometimes shrugging Jesus off like a coat, sometimes taking for granted the fact that we have access to Jesus and become so wrapped up in knowing He's there, and that He knows our thoughts, that we forget to work on the relationship.
Maybe I'm totally off here, but it got me thinking. Most other religions and faiths that I know of have a routine or a ritual. Meditation, hours devoted to pray or Bible readings, reciting Scriptures, whatever.
I'm just tired of people - myself included- becoming so complacent about Christianity and their faith, and just taking for granted we have a God who knows everything, who is everywhere, who made us all these wonderful promises and who loves us so incredibly.
Maybe this is only my view on things, and maybe it's not really like this. Maybe it's just my life, and the way I've been taking my faith for granted over this past little while. Living in Canada, I have so many privileges. I have the privilege to be able to choose my faith and to practice that.
When did it become just another part of my day? When did I start taking for granted that the Creator of the Universe wants me?!? When did I become so satisfied with the simple way things were I no longer wanted to dig deeper? When did Christianity just become something I thought about in the brief moments when I said a prayer before I fell asleep at night, or when I was sitting in Church for 2 hours on a Sunday morning?
I want to wake up, and become aware. I want more of a relationship, more of the God I love. I want to be active in my faith, letting it become more then a passing thought at the end of each day or week.
I want more.

7 Quick Takes ~ Volume 9

1. I haven't posted regularly for a long time, and I miss it. I miss having conversations with you beautiful people at my kitchen table, even though we really may be hours apart. I don't know when I'm going to be back to blogging regularly. Until then, please feel free to enjoy me in tiny bursts when I do decide to get my butt over here and blog something :)

2. I guess one of the more important things I should mention is that I totally changed my diet. A friend recommended this to me at the end of June, as she had already started on this new diet change and it was working well for her and she thought maybe it would help me as I had been having really bad stomach pain. I was skeptical, but after finding some recipes online that fit with this new diet, I made the switch. It's been almost 2 weeks and I feel great!

3. So, as for the diet change, I made the switch to NO white flours or refined sugars. I'm also limiting the amounts of gluten in my diet. I've defiantly been noticing the changes. For one, my stomach pain has been cut in half! It is less frequent, and I haven't had any severe pain episodes. (YAY!!!!) Also, I've noticed I have had a lot more energy (No longer needing a rest in the afternoons and actually feeling rested when I get up in the mornings) I also haven't found myself missing junk foods that much, as I am in love with finding new ways to make my every day diet taste great.

4. I was stuck at number 4. And I wrote this big long thing, quoting the words of Taylor Swift and people, and then decided I didn't like it so I erased it all. :)

5. So, July is almost over, which makes me sad. Even though this summer hasn't really felt like summer, it's nice to not have any school. I am excited for August though. August brings Vegas, and the GSD convention (Read something yesterday that I loved: GSD stands for Got Super Determination. Isn't that right?) This summer has been more work then I intended, more figuring things out, more trying to figure out where I'm going, more healing and journeying and stumbling and waiting.

6. For those of you who didn't know, for school in September, I'm doing half and half. (Am I the only one who thinks that makes me sound like a cup of coffee?) For one of my math classes (I'm doing two) and my chem and physics, I am going to the Catholic School in Sexsmith, where my siblings go. And for the rest of my classes, I'll be doing online. This next year is going to be a big year for me. It's grade 11, the year before my last one. It's when I'm actually old enough to start thinking about careers and going to college (WHAT?!?! I can't be that old already!) And it's scary, trying to figure out what you might want to be for the rest of your life, and having all this pressure on you to be good enough. But you know what? I'm learning it's ok if I don't always see the path I'm going to take, sometimes it's ok if I just see the next step.

7. I was going to write about something here, but there's this tiny butterfly outside my window who is distracting me. It's reminding me of change, and that one day the caterpillar wakes up and becomes a butterfly, that when a caterpillar thinks his life is over, he becomes a butterfly, and that to become a butterfly, you must want to fly so much you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.
Change is sometimes a good thing... and one of these days I'm going to break out of this cocoon and fly

Happy Friday!

Purple Eye Shadow

On Sunday, I went for the dramatic look. I wore this purple eye shadow that actually looked really good. But one of the first things my family (Mainly my dad and my brother) said when I came up that morning, "Wow, where'd you get the black eye?"
I was reminded of that today, when Natalie Lloyd wrote her blog post, about pink lipstick and black eyes.
Sometimes the best thing to do when life throws you a curve ball is to put on that dramatic eye shadow, or that pink lipstick.
Like last night, it was a night for me when I was just feeling everything. I was watching private practice when I got frustrated at my hair. It just really bothered me, and I wanted nothing more then to grab scissors and give myself a haircut (Would have regretted that!) Instead, I spent half an hour sitting in front of the mirror getting my hair to look like Audrey Hepburn (Or so I say)
I remember my friend Paula's daughter saying once that if you're having a bad day you just need to put on some lipstick.
But isn't that sometimes the best thing to do? Put on some lipstick and get over it? Be creative, go for the bold, artsy look with your eye shadow, style your hair like a 50's and 60's icon?
Yeah, bad days are going to come. I'm going to spill on my shirt and my eye liner is going to attack my eye and I'm going to find out my classes for school start at 9:00am.
I'm going to get crazy medical reports and I can't untangle myself from yesterday's mistakes and I fall flat on my face.
But sometimes the best thing to do is get back up, and get back out there. Be girly, be crazy, be artsy and bold and passionate and creative and totally me... Because God still loves me.
His love for me is crazy, and I'm only now starting to realize it.
I've been thinking about God's love for me a lot lately, and I can't help but smile to myself sometimes. It's great to be moved by God's love.
So if you're brave enough to walk out that front door, to wear dramatic eye shadow, to have a modeling shoot in your basement even though you're not the most graceful person out there, to tell the guy you like how you feel, to be loud and outspoken and proud... there are going to be times when it hurts. But God's love doesn't change. Rest in His love, in His comfort, in His peace and promises.
Then go put on that lipstick and get back out there!

http://natalielloyd.blogspot.ca/2012/07/black-eyes-pink-lipstick.html?showComment=1343155361239

Blessed

I am blessed. I've been trying to think of a word that describes how I'm feeling right now, but the only word that fits is Blessed.
I wonder if I can describe the incidents that led up to my heart being so full, or if I should even try.
This morning was church.
For the first time in what seems like forever (Probably only a month or so) I sat with my friends. I sat next to one of my friend's, who is pretty tall. I'm pretty tiny. So whenever I sit next to him I feel extraordinarily small. There are two different outcomes that can come with a situation like this, either I will feel super self concious about my height, or I'll feel protected. Today, it was the second. Sitting there, I did feel tiny, but I also felt safe, and protected, and comfortable.
The sermon today was on getting out of that spiritual armchair. It was about trusting God, even when you can't see the next step. It was about prayer, fasting and fellowship.
One of the examples used is when Jesus prayed, before He was taken away to be crucified. In a moment when He was totally man and totally God, seeing the future and not wanting to be there if there was any other way. He prayed, and asked God that if there was any way He didn't have to do this, that it would be shown to Him. He didn't want to be there, He knew it was going to be filled with pain and hurt, and yet He surrendered to God's will and followed.
Isn't that where I'm at? Isn't that where I'm standing, asking God is there is any other way, because I know the road ahead is going to be filled with pain and sturggle? And yet, God said no. God said, "I want you here for a reason." And so, my answer is, "Ok. I trust you."
After the service was over, I met with one of my favorite people. She worked with the youth this last year, she's in my parent's small group, and she's going to have a baby in September. She also gives the best hugs, so I always look forward to seeing her.
She asked about our holidays, and school next year, and then she asked how my doctor's appointment went at the beginning of this month.
It's been something I haven't told a lot of people about. I didn't even tell anyone we were going until the morning before, when I emailed a friend of mine to let her know, and asked her to pray. I've only told a few people about the appointment, as I said, and never out loud. It was always by email, or text message. So saying the words out loud, saying where I'm at, it was healing for me.
And when I said the words out loud, a small bit of their power slid away. Yes, like Jesus prayed in the garden, I don't want to be in this place because I know the road ahead, and yet the words don't hold any power over me. They don't define who I am, or what my life is going to look like. I've already chosen who holds the power in my life.
It's these kinds of moments I think I could miss if I blink in the wrong instant, these moments I would never have gotten if I wasn't walking the road I am.
I am so incredibly blessed, and right now there is no place else I'd rather be.

Sara's Story

Today, I was introduced to Sara's Story.I cried the whole way through, because my prayer is that someday I can be the kind of woman that Sara was. I can only hope my life inspires others the way that Sara's did, that my journey will encourage other people out there. I want to live like that, to love people so deeply.
I want to choose joy, even when my world isn't great. I want to make people feel important, because my Jesus loved people.
Though I don't know where my life is headed right now, I want to trust God. I know the plans He has for me are good, and they will bring glory to Him.

Take a minute and watch Sara's story. I know it's 30 minutes, but I can tell you it is totally worth it.

Heaven will mean finally being complete...