I am blessed. I've been trying to think of a word that describes how I'm feeling right now, but the only word that fits is Blessed.
I wonder if I can describe the incidents that led up to my heart being so full, or if I should even try.
This morning was church.
For the first time in what seems like forever (Probably only a month or so) I sat with my friends. I sat next to one of my friend's, who is pretty tall. I'm pretty tiny. So whenever I sit next to him I feel extraordinarily small. There are two different outcomes that can come with a situation like this, either I will feel super self concious about my height, or I'll feel protected. Today, it was the second. Sitting there, I did feel tiny, but I also felt safe, and protected, and comfortable.
The sermon today was on getting out of that spiritual armchair. It was about trusting God, even when you can't see the next step. It was about prayer, fasting and fellowship.
One of the examples used is when Jesus prayed, before He was taken away to be crucified. In a moment when He was totally man and totally God, seeing the future and not wanting to be there if there was any other way. He prayed, and asked God that if there was any way He didn't have to do this, that it would be shown to Him. He didn't want to be there, He knew it was going to be filled with pain and hurt, and yet He surrendered to God's will and followed.
Isn't that where I'm at? Isn't that where I'm standing, asking God is there is any other way, because I know the road ahead is going to be filled with pain and sturggle? And yet, God said no. God said, "I want you here for a reason." And so, my answer is, "Ok. I trust you."
After the service was over, I met with one of my favorite people. She worked with the youth this last year, she's in my parent's small group, and she's going to have a baby in September. She also gives the best hugs, so I always look forward to seeing her.
She asked about our holidays, and school next year, and then she asked how my doctor's appointment went at the beginning of this month.
It's been something I haven't told a lot of people about. I didn't even tell anyone we were going until the morning before, when I emailed a friend of mine to let her know, and asked her to pray. I've only told a few people about the appointment, as I said, and never out loud. It was always by email, or text message. So saying the words out loud, saying where I'm at, it was healing for me.
And when I said the words out loud, a small bit of their power slid away. Yes, like Jesus prayed in the garden, I don't want to be in this place because I know the road ahead, and yet the words don't hold any power over me. They don't define who I am, or what my life is going to look like. I've already chosen who holds the power in my life.
It's these kinds of moments I think I could miss if I blink in the wrong instant, these moments I would never have gotten if I wasn't walking the road I am.
I am so incredibly blessed, and right now there is no place else I'd rather be.