There Will be a day...

Listening to: If Heaven has a Window by Kelsey Marie
Missing: Spencer

Today's a day where my heart aches in a sad way. I'm missing Spencer (Yesterday was the anniversary of his death, 4 months.) Like my friend Sami said in a post she wrote There are so many days I walk around campus as my happy-go-lucky self - and I realize no one around me knows who Spencer is, or would understand what it's like to watch my friends suffer. I would give away days, even weeks and months, of my remission to my friends just so I wouldn't have to watch them go through the constant pain they go through.
That line made my heart hurt (Actually the whole post did, maybe I'll ask her if I can post it here cause I just loved the whole thing) 

I want to curl up in a blanket in the sunshine with a cup of tea and write, and cry, and try to make sense of this twisted thing I call life. Today I'm missing Spencer. Today I'm thinking about how this isn't fair. Today I'm wishing there wasn't this monster called chronic illness, killing my friends, threatening my own life, causing so much pain.

Today my heart is aching, because it's not fair.

Also, I found this tumblr today that made my heart ache, because of the beauty, and the way it washed over this soul of mine like running water, reminding me that it's not over yet.
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears
there will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more, We'll see Jesus face to face.

Today's a heart ache day, in a missing way, and in a hopeful way, and in a beautiful way. I'm going to go make myself that tea now :)