Monday, March 12, 2012

Because he takes me dancing...

Came up with the idea for this story/poetic prose/ thing last night. I couldn't find (Didn't feel like getting out of bed to get...) any paper, so I ended up writing a line on my wrist, "Because he takes me dancing." Basically it's the story of a girl who's making the decision of who to love. The idea of writing the story came from a couple Grey's quotes and a Taylor Swift song. :)

Life is made up of choices. Yes or no, in or out, up or down, to love or to hate, to live or to die. What to wear, what to eat... who to love.
I loved them both. At least that's what I've always told myself. Both differently, both uniquely, but both love. Now, I had to choose. One left me with butterflies, our history chugging along behind us. The other was safe, secure, and comfortable. I wondered if the choice would break me. I worried about choosing wrong. But inside, I think I knew.
"Help me," I pleaded, " I don't know..." "But you do." Her eyes bore into mine. "You're just scared to do it. This back and forth, it's fear. But you know." The truth pierced my soul like flaming arrows. I knew, but did I have the strength to do it?
Leaving is hard. It breaks you, but as the old bricks fall new ones immediatly take their place. Alongside the confusion and the pain of leaving is the fear of starting all over again, and the smallest glimmer of hope. I put away the pictures, did my best to forget the memories. I would never forget, never stop loving him, but with a heart full of sorrow I turned towards my future and didn't once look back.
Before him, I never thought of myself as good enough. But then I loved him, and he showed me that I am. I know now that I am good enough. I am good enough not to deserve this. To deserve not to feel like this, to love him so much that I almost hate him. To not deserve the constant qurstions that nag me: Who does he love? Is he making her laugh like he used to make me laugh? I know now that I deserve someone who will stay, someone who will love ME.
It hurts to walk away, but I know now I deserve more. So I'm walking away, from him, for me. I'm walking away because I'm learning to love me, learning that even though it's hard I need to do this for myself. I can't make any promises about the future, or if someday I'll find my way back to him. But I known now what I need to do, for me.
So I choose him, the other guy. I choose him because he takes me dancing, leading me and laughing with me when i forget the steps. Because he sings over me and reminds me of whose I am. Because I feel safe and it's easy yet beautiful, it's effortless. For now, I choose him.
I will always love them both. Both differently, but both love. Both hold pieces of my past, but the jury's still out on who will hold my future.
Life is made up of choices. Yes or not, in or out, up or down, to love or to hate, to live or to die, What to wear, what to eat... who to love.

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