Saturday, September 15, 2012

Embracing the Inner Sexy Sick Girl

For Invisible Illness Awareness Week, I had great plans. I was going to blog every single day of the week, I was going to raise awareness for invsible illnesses, not just my own. I was going to do it all...
And then I got diagnosed, which added a whole new level to the emotional/physical/mental stress I was dealing with, and then I managed to catch a cold.

Being diagnosed with a chronic illness changes your life. I never expected it to change mine so much. I've been sick forever, I'm prepared for this, getting diagnosed is going to be more of a relief then a burden for me. I didn't know how wrong I was.
I do agree that, yes, since I was sick before, I think the diagnosis is easier for me. I know a friend who's little boy is being tested for diabetes. He's never been sick before, he isn't already introduced to needle pokes and doctor's visits. In this way, I think I have a leg up, as I was already introduced to needle pokes and doctors and tests.
But in many other ways, I never expected my life to change like it did (Which also means I never expected to feel the way I do.)
I feel consumed by the medical world. I feel like while my friends have been turning in papers for classes and working jobs, I have been on the phone with doctors, researching new treatment plans, and trying to stay afloat with all the emotions that come along with it, struggling just to keep my head above water. I feel like I don't belong with them anymore, simply because I'm not the same girl anymore.
My life is in two sections now: Living my life to the fullest despite being sick, and raising awareness for chronic illnesses like mine and embracing the sick side of me. (I was actually talking to my friend the other day, and when I told her I was going to have to start taking cornstarch in class, the conversation was something along the lines of: "You're going to have to start embracing your inner sexy sick girl.")
Embracing my inner sexy sick girl is something I find hard to do. I either lean too far towards living a normal life, so far that I fall right out the door, and end up doing all those things I know I shouldn't do and paying for it later. Either that or I lean so far into being sick that I throw a pity party, and complain A LOT.
I remember when we were in Vegas, one guy said to me, "You can either live your life or live your disease," And I'm still trying to figure out what that means. How do I live my life and not let myself go off the deep end and ignore the things I need to do for my health? How do I manage my conditions and still manage to have a life?
I wish I had the answers to all these questions, but I haven't quite figured that out yet. One day soon, I hope, I will figure out this ideal balance, how to embrace who I am as a person and my inner sexy sick girl.

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