For a while now, I feel like I've written about my surface level life. It's the life most people see, or the part of my life I let most people see.
On Sunday, I'm going to Edmonton to go see a doctor again who will try to figure out what is wrong with me. On Sunday night I'm going to have dinner with my friend Crystal (!!!) and then on Monday morning I'll head to the doctor's office.
Today, I got my schedule, my cornstarch schedule that is. 5 times a day starting tomorrow I am going to be drinking (Or pushing through my G-tube, we'll see) cornstarch.
And when I think about why I haven't told people, all I can think of is I don't know. I don't know why I'm avoiding telling people, like it's something I have to hide.
I remember at the GSD convention, how everyone was like that, and how it was normal, and for the first time in my life I actually had a sense of being home, even before I met anyone.
I remember, as the teens and adults sat around in a circle together and talked and shared stories, one of the guys was talking and looked at me and said, "You can either live your life, or you can live your disease."
And for the first time it hit me. Ever since I started eating, I've been trying to live my life. That's why I stopped cornstarch the first time. And the things changed, and now when I look back over where I've been for the past few years I realize what I thought was going to let me get my life back only made me lose it, and become immersed in my disease.
That convention was an "Ah ha" moment for me. It was the first time in as far back as I can remember that i actually felt like being sick was this huge blessing in my life, instead of this huge burden and this thing I'm trying to hide. It was the first time I ever realized that instead of living my life, the way I imagined it would be when I was 12 and determined to deny that I'm sick, I had began living my disease.
I don't want to hide it anymore, hide being sick, because it is such a huge part of who I am. And yeah, sometimes it's this big pain in the butt, but it's also what's given me the most hidden blessings, and made me stronger then I ever could have been had I not been sick.
So yeah, I'm going to the doctor on Monday, and yeah, I'm starting cornstarch again. Admitting that doesn't make me weak, it makes me strong. It's acknowledging this huge part of me, and it's being comfortable in my own skin. No matter what happens, what has happened is something no one can take away from me, and I am proud of who I am, and of all I've overcome.
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me.Throw your sticks and stones, Throw your bombs and your blowsBut you're not gonna break my soul. Now look at me, I'm sparkling, A firework, a dancing flame, You won't ever put me out again I'm glowing, oh woah oh