Thursday, September 20, 2012

Right where I'm at ~ 10 days

It's been 10 days since I was diagnosed. Does that seem crazy to anyone but me?
It's been 10 days since I was given the diagnosis I've been waiting for for years. It's the diagnosis that had the power to change everything for me, the one I dreaded as much as I anticipated it. It felt like a foolish dream, just out of my grasp, a little silly to imagine the day.
But, looking back, it wasn't the day that changed my life forever, it's the days that have followed. It is the days I am currently wading through.
It's been 10 days, and I'm not ok yet. I know I will be, someday, when I get over the shock and figure out how to move on with my life. I'll be ok, once I get over how overwhelming this all is, and once I figure out how to pick myself up and continue on with life.
I was walking along today, and a random thought came into my mind, the thought of, "I don't like September." But I do. I love September. I love fall, and the changing leaves, and sweater weather. I love September because it holds my best friend's birthday, and because this time this year there have been babies being born. It's just that now September holds one of those days for me, one of those days I know has changed my life forever.
I was talking with some friends today about how completely overwhelming and strange it is to actually be diagnosed. I can't remember the first time I was diagnosed, and I only remember the waiting to get diagnosed. It's strange, because I never expected it to be like it is. I thought I would be relieved, and I would be able to move on with my life like nothing ever happened. I thought that since I expected it, waited for it, longed for it, that maybe it wouldn't be so hard. Maybe it wouldn't rock my world quite this much. Maybe I wouldn't need a moment to stop and catch my breath.
But it's there, this quiet ache that refuses to be silenced.
I feel incapable of talking about what I'm feeling, but also incapable of talking about anything but this tiny thing that has changed my world so completely.
So, in my state of being unable to articulate how I'm feeling, I'll whisper these words: I'm not ok yet, but I'll get there. I don't have it all figured out yet, but it's coming. What I thought would just be the chance to move on turns out to have changed my life. I'm just learning how to live again.

So this is where I am today, 10 days after my diagnosis.

No comments: