Friday, November 16, 2012

The Hurt and the Healer

This isn't the post I was going to write. I was going to write an update on Nanowrimo (30,000 words!) or just random things going on in my life.
But I think God has a way of changing the post you want to write into the post you need to write.

I've been stuck. Since September, I've been stuck. I don't want to be stuck, and I didn't mean to get stuck, it just kind of happened. I've been stuck in pain and hurt and I don't think I really wanted to get out. Mostly because the pain I felt since being diagnosed was real and big, and it was something to hold on to. It was easier then letting go of the pain and the hurt and waiting to see what happened.

I was writing today in my Nano novel about how it kind of reminds me when I was a kid. There was this 'big' (Big in my 6 year old mind, tiny in my almost 16 year old one) grove of trees where my friends and i used to play. We would climb all over the branches and play all these great games. I remember once, my friend and I were playing we were stuck somewhere, or I was stuck and she was trying to rescue me. She cried, "Don't worry, I'll save you!" There was a flying leap, a sheer moment of panic as I watched her fly towards me, the moment right before she got to me... and then we were both on the ground, safe from whatever imaginary danger we were pretending was there that day.
 I was thinking that's kind of like my relationship with God right now. I'm stuck. I'm hanging out on a tree branch. And God's like my friend, saying, "I'll save you!" and there's this sheer panic I'm feeling as I'm certain I'm going to fall to my death, and then there's the catch, and relief when I find out we're safely on the ground.

I've been stuck for a while, and I think God's been trying to get my attention. I haven't been listening, I've been too busy clinging to that flimsy tree branch trying not to fall.
I got diagnosed and I thought I was done, and then God said, "Let's go deeper..."
Deeper? Are you kidding me?!? If I go any deeper I'll drown!
And He whispers to me like He did to Peter, "Eyes on me, I've got you, I'm not going to let you drown."
Do I trust Him? Do I trust that He's got me and that I'm not going to fall to my death if I let go of everything I've been holding on to? Do I trust that if I let go of this sack of ashes He is going to exchange it for something beautiful?
I can feel Him nudging me towards this next journey, a new version of the Valley of the Shadow of Death, whispering in my ear to let this go. It's time to let it go.
I've come too far to remain stuck in this pain and hurt.
So I have a choice to make. Do I trust Him or try to do this on my own? Do I resist and possibly drown myself in the process, or do I trust Him that He's not going to let me drown?

I want to let go. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I'm letting go

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