Filling the Spaces

Don't you hate it when you have so much to say, but every time you try to say it, it turns out being all wrong, like your brain has suddenly lost the ability to turn thoughts into actual words? That's how I feel right now, so much to say, just unsure how to say it. Last night was the first night I was actually able to sit down and put my feelings into words. For the first time in days I was finally able to write out what I was feeling without it being all wrong. Turned on Taylor Swift's Speak Now CD, put the pen to paper, and ended up with 5 pages filled with writing. This morning, though, I woke up feeling wordless, the inspiration from the night before gone.

Lately, I've been singing myself to sleep. I started it one night, when it was really late (Or... early) and I couldn't sleep. Every night since then, I can't fall asleep without singing at least one song. Usually one turns into two and two turns into three and three turns into a dozen and... well, you get the picture. I've been singing everything from hymns to Taylor Swift to Disney Songs. I don't know why, but it's almost like music is filling in all those spaces I can't seem to fill with words. So instead of writing a long post with words that feel weak and drained, check out this song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pb-K2tXWK4w

It doesn't cover everything I want to say, but it comes pretty close...

Scrambled Brains

Blogging is one of those things I probably should not be doing right now. Scratch that, writing in general is probably one of those things I should not be doing right now. It feels like my brain is scrambled and all the words I try to write come out wrong. When I couldn't seem to work on the story I'm writing, I figured it was just writer's block, the creative genius living inside my head taking a much needed break. When I couldn't blog or journal because everything I write seems to fall, like a pile of jello falling down, I decided my brain was just scrambled. I'm just going to write anyway. So read on and make sense of this post, if you dare...
1. I'm done L.A and Math! I finished L.A yesterday, and am 'quitting' math. Ok, not really quitting, but the stuff I was doing this year was so different from what Alberta is teaching, or something like that, so we're going to do something else, but for now, I'm done.
2. We figured out what I'm going to do for school next year. I was so unsure about what I was going to do. I was going to go back to regular school, then I wasn't cause I got the ulcer. I was going to stick with the stuff I am doing this year, no I'm not because I needed someone else to teach me, other then my mom. Now, though, I think we finally figured it out! I am doing online school, the same one I did in grade 8. We still have to figure some stuff out. The high school councelor is supposed to be calling tomorrow morning, and then we'll get some more stuff figured out then.
3. Remember that friend I told you about, the one who got the lung transplant? Well, I got an update, er sort of. His surgery went well. Hopefully his recovery will go well, and he'll be up and around soon.
4. I got my hair cut yesterday, and got some blonde streaks in it. Here's a picture...

It's raining here, and the other computer just lost internet, so I have to hurry up and post this before I lose internet too. I'll try and post more later, even if it is like jello sliding down...

What's been Going on...

It feels like I'm on a merry-go-round and just forgot to get off. So much has happened in the last few days, it's crazy.
I finished some more school today, Spelling and my elective, Missions. I should be done L.A sometime next week. I am slowly but surely checking things off my list.
I'm still on that one kind of meds, which are definatly not being kind to me. Yesterday, my stomach was acting up and I had nausea almost all day. I haven't had near as many pain episodes though. I had one this morning, and that was the first one since Wednesday, when before I would have been having 12+ a day. The sores in my mouth are getting better, it's not so hard to eat now, so that's a good thing. I've had a couple of fevers, either that or I've been really really hot (aren't they the same thing?) My energy still isn't back up, but I'm only sleeping a few afternoon's a week (Ha! Don't I sound old?)
I'm leaving on the missions trip in 15 days! 15! It sounds so close now, and I'm trying not to freak out. I'm soooooo nervous, excited, but so nervous at the same time. I know it's just over 2 weeks away, but 15 days, wow!
My friend got a lung transplant yesterday! He was called into the hospital on Wednesday night, and was in surgery all day yesterday. He's in the ICU right now, but that's about all I know. It's so good that he got these lungs though. Just goes to show that organ donation saves lives (But you already knew that, right?) He's such a strong person, and he's there for everybody, no matter what. I think it's cool that now we get to be strong for him. Anyway, you could keep him in your prayers.
And just for all of you, who were taken with my story of the half dead fly, I have a sequel. There was a spider in my room today. I didn't scream, though. I smushed him, and he did not come back to life. Aren't you proud of me :)

The Half Dead Fly

I am going to tell you a story, about something that happened to me, this morning, because I am procrastinating once again.
So... this morning, I was doing some school, and I had my window open. I heard this buzzing, and I immediatly thought it was a bee, which it was not. It was a fly. I tried to use my arms to direct this poor little creature outside, but it would not follow my arm motions. I then shut the window and tried directing the fly out the door. It still would not go. Then, I took my towel off the door and started waving it at this fly like a mad woman. I hit it, and it fell. I tried to pick it up, going to put this fly in the garbage, and it moved. I screamed. He was like doing a wierd squirming thing across my carpet, and I was still screaming. Then, I ran to the living room, where my mom was, who told me to get a kleenex and smush it, again. I got down on the floor, where this fly was, and he hopped onto my foot. I screamed again, and stood up and started shaking this fly off. He fell off, and I was still screaming, loudly. I tried again, kneeling down to get this fly. Again, he jumped on my foot. Again I screamed and shook him off. My mom and sister came into the room then, both with kleenex's. I was still screaming, and running away from this mutent fly. My mom got down, and smushed this fly, and then he was fully dead. But that is my story about me and the half dead fly.

I am....

Procrastinating. We're leaving for town in just over an hour, and I still have math to do, which I do not want to do, so I am procrastinating, hoping that, just maybe, I won't have enough time and will have to wait until tomorrow. It's not a very smart plan, but it's true.
For Father's day yesterday, (If you missed the pic of my dad and cute little adorable me that I posted yesterday, go check it out. I'm pretty cute :) We went to see Kung Foo Panda 2. Besides making me have an insatisfiable craving for chinese food, it was good. It was in 3D, and I'm not a huge fan of 3D, but the movie was still good. There was a lot of good quotes, sort of made me wish that I could have had my notebook and been able to write stuff down in the dark. Sadly, I do not have that super power, and I forgot to bring a notebook.
And... in case you were looking for a book to read this summer, here's my second pick for the summer reading list. It is... Motercycles, Sushi and One Strange Book by author Nancy Rue. I did a review on it last summer, as part of a book tour. For some reason it's not letting me post the link, but if you want to check it out, it's from August of last year, titled Motercycles, Sushi and One Strange Book, and it's also under reviews. I'll add reviews to the label of this post, and then if you click on that you should be able to see all the reviews. I hope. I'm reading it again, because I am so in love with it. If I had to pick a favorite book, like an all time top favorite, this one would definatly be in the running. So check it out.
And... I probably should stop procrastinating and at least get SOME work done before we leave.

'A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat's never trying'

Here's the guy I call Dad...

Life...

Kind of sucks right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I am just 'so' exhausted, and feeling... crappy, and there's 'so' much to be done in 'so' little time. Life doesn't seem to be cooperating with me, which doesn't make anything any easier. I don't know what to write, or what to say, or what to do. Maybe if I wasn't so drained, this would be easier. I sit here and everything is so overwhelming. I want a moment to just sit and be, to not have to worry, where I'm not feeling sick or exhausted.

Check out this video, which, I'm hoping, describes a little bit of what I can't manage to put into words.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_32ej1PspQ

Have a great weekend, and an amazing father's day

Tada!

I dyed my hair, again, last night. It's red! Ok, it's more of an auburny reddish brownish whatever, but it is red. Look at the picture and call it what you will. Call it Chicken Salad if you want to (I read that in a book and I always wanted to use it.) Either way, I dyed my hair last night. And I can pull it off, the color I mean. Am I one of those people who looks good in any color of hair who I am always jealous of? Cause that would be kind of funny if I was. I think I've been every hair color out there know, Blonde, Brunette and now... a red head. Well... if it's true what they say, about red heads being more fiesty, then bring it on! Well, here's my new hair color. Lemme know what you think.

Update

On Friday afternoon, I got a call. It was the doctor's office, telling me they needed to see me at the hospital in Edmonton either that night or Saturday morning. We packed our bags, sent the two middle kids away to aunties, and we were off. We went to the pediatric Emergency on Saturday morning. The doctor said that it was clear I had an ulcer that got infected. He said right now the Meds that I'm on seem to be working, so just to stay on those. This might be a thing that comes back again (From what I understand, it's common in people with g-tubes) and if it does, he said to get a hold of him and they would do a scope. As of right now, the meds seem to be working. I haven't had as much pain since I started the ulcer meds. I still am really tired. I still don't have much of an appetite, but when I eat I don't feel like I'm going to puke, so that's a good thing. My tummy is doing funny things because of the meds. Hopefully everything will work out soon though, and I'll start feeling better.

Just Listen ~ Book number 1 on my summer reading list

Like I mentioned before, this summer I want to do a summer reading list of some of my favorite summer reads. It's taken me forever to start this, because I'm always afraid once I make the list, I'll find more that I want to add. So I'm doing it this way... Book reviews! For every book that I think would make a good summer read, I'll write a review on it, that way I can just keep adding to the list when I find another book that's 'summer reading worthy.' So... here's the first book on my list, Just Listen by Sarah Dessen!


Just Listen is a novel written by Sarah Dessen. It's the story of Annabel Greene, the girl who has everything. Or she was. Now she's the girl that has nothing. Dealing with losing her best friend, her anorexic sister, and a chaotic home is a lot for Annabel to handle. Then she meets Owen Armstrong. Owen is tall, dark and handsome, and totally obsessed with music. He's also addicted to telling the truth. And maybe, with Owen's help, Annabel can face the truth of what happened that night when She and Sophie stopped being friends.
The main characters of this book would be Annabel herself, Owen, Sophie, Annabel's ex-best friend, and Whitney, one of Annabel's sisters.
The minor characters include Kristen, Annabel's other sister, Grace, Annabel's mom, Mallory, Owen's sister, Emily, Sophie's best friend after Annabel, Clarke, Annabel's ex best friend, Rolly, the guy who works on the radio show with Owen, and Will, Sophie's boyfriend.
As always, in Sarah Dessen's book, there is a little bit of mild language. It's nothing bad, and I barely even noticed it as I got wrapped up in Annabel's story. (Just in case any of you were wondering.)
It's hard to pick my favorite character from this book, because there were so many and each character was special and unique.
It's also really hard to pick my favorite scene in the book, but I think it would have to be the one where Annabel shows up at Owen's radio show REALLY early one morning, and then she tells him "Don't think or judge, just listen." Either that or the scene at the court house where Owen beats up this one guy for... Well, I can't tell you that. I know it's going to sound wierd, but that scene was so sweet.
I can't say a lot about this book without giving it away, but it's a really good book, and Sarah Dessen hit's the nail on the head again with this one, with her insight into the life of teen girls. I think you'll find yourself relating to some of the characters in this book, just like I did. I would rate this book a 4.3 out of 5. (I know, they are all rated so high, but they are all SO good!) This was a very real book. It made me think, and by the end I didn't want the story to be over. So if you're trying to find a book for a summer read, maybe consider Just Listen by Sarah Dessen.

Wordless Wednesday/Quote of the day

Moments...

Do you ever wonder what other people are doing when your life is falling apart? I thought about that, when I was laying in the hospital Sunday night/Monday morning. Then, I reversed it. What was I doing when someone else's world is falling apart. I got an email from my best friend today, and her little cousin is sick and may need chemo. What was I doing when she got the news? It's wierd to think about what I was doing when other people's lives changed, maybe forever. It's wierd for me to think about. And if you change it around again, what were you doing when people got the best news of their lives? Maybe you were there, just a person in the backround of a picture. Maybe you were having your own worst moment. It's funny to think about how one person's worst day could be another person's best day.

You ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other people's lives we've been in. Were we a part of a stranger's life when their dream came true? Or were we there when their dreams died? Did we keep trying to get in - as if we were destined to be there? Or did the shot take us by surprise? Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life and not even know it

Guess Where I Spent Last Night?

In the hospital! Definatly not where I expected to go yesterday night, but it's where I ended up anyway. I had a fever and the hardness in my stomach was so bad you couldn't touch it. We went to the ER, got in fairly quick, but had to wait a while to see the doctor because there was emergencies or something. When we finally got to see the doctor, he ordered blood work. The lab tech got it first try (a rarity in my case.) and then we had to wait for the results. It took another little while before we finally got the results. There was nothing wrong with my blood work, so the doctor was thinking it's an ulcer. He gave me some meds to try that, if it was an ulcer, would help. Of course, we can't tell anything until we get a scope done. We didn't get home until the sun was rising! So It was a LONG night.

Random

I feel like all I ever talk about lately is being sick. It feels like that's all I think about. I'm either thinking about the pain or discomfort that I'm experiencing or thinking ahead to the next test. I'm always having to mentally keep track of my blood sugar and when I need to eat and how I need to work my schedule around that. For me, doing anything else would be totally wierd, since I've been doing this my whole life. But there are times when I stop and think about how, to everyone else, how I live and function is wierd. It's wierd to think about sometimes. Sometimes I think about everything I missed. I think of the things I didn't get to do because I was in the hospital or things I can't do because I'm sick and doing them would be dangerous. Sometimes I feel sad, that I didn't get to have a 'normal' childhood. I know that I gained so much too, but sometimes it doesn't help. I still feel sad for what I lost, even knowing everything I gained.
Here's a list about other stuff I want to say, but that is too long to write about.

1. The tests went ok, I think. I got blood work (Only needed two pokes!) an X-Ray, some breath test where I had to drink this really sour, powdery lemonade thing and breathe into a tube and an ultrasound. So much for the ultrasound being a painless test, cause it hurt.


2. My stomach has been bothering me lots in the past few days (Since Wednesday.) I took some chewy things today that might help, and they tasted like I was eating chalk.


3. It is snowing. In June. I was all depressed the other day because it was June and I wasn't ready for summer and there's still so much for me to do. And now it snows. I have a thought that maybe God is laughing at my worries and showing me that He is in control.


4. I was sitting in the chair this morning, all curled up in a blanket. I had just taken those chalk things and still wasn't feeling any better, and I was tired from the lack of sleep last night. Jaxon asked if I was feeling good and I said no. "It's ok, I'll help you," He told me. He went off to get my comb and hair elastics and started doing my hair. It was so sweet.

The Scar

I'm walking out the door to go see the doctor and get blood taken in under an hour. I'm getting kind of tired of posting every day, so maybe I'll do only every other day. I had a wierd freak out last night about it being the first of June. June means summer. June sounds like it's *so close* to when we leave on the missions trip, even though that's not until July.

Check out this video. It's become one of my favorites in the past little while. It's of Paige Armstrong (The girl in the picture.)She's a singer/song writer/ soon to be author who had a life threatening cancer when she was 11. She had a wish granted by the make a wish foundation and wished to record a CD. So watch this video and maybe you'll be as inspired as I am by this amazing young woman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ss14pKx9to