On the Missions trip, I got into the habit of daily writing down how I saw God that day. Sometimes it would be something simple, something scrawled in my messy handwriting as I tried to document the day's events before I fell asleep. Sometimes I was more creative, using great detail to describe what had happened. No matter how I wrote it, I always wrote how I saw God.
That question has been coming into my head lately more often then not. And more often then not, I have a list of answers. My relationship with my Heavenly Father has become more tender as of lately. I'm having those realizations moments, the moment when I realize something I either didn't know before, or knew but didn't get. I'm hearing His voice as He whispers into my soul. I'm taking His hand and blindly following Him into the great unknown, trusting that even if I don't know, He does. Maybe it took me being helpless, for God to show me that He was able. I've had 2 prayers over the last week or so that seem to be repeated. Over and over I whisper these words, begging God to answer. One of those prayers, the one I have already seen being answered is this... "Break my heart for what breaks yours." It was not that long after I had found out about Sadie. I had all these feelings stuffed inside, of helplessness. I was choosing the role of a victim of childhood disease, one I knew how to play well, rather then the role of helping my hurting friend. I didn't want to be this person anymore, the person who knows what it's like to have your childhood stolen from you, this person who knows the grim reality of fighting a childhood disease. So I prayed, asking God to break my heart... for what breaks His. and He did. He softened my heart and showed me that it was ok to not know. I was in uncharted waters, I'd never been in this position before, watching the sickness go on without me. He showed me that it's breaking His heart to see little Sadie suffer, and that it also is breaking His heart to see me suffer. And I think that this heart break I'm feeling is only a fraction of what God must feel, when He see's us hurting. I think if I were fully able to experience the kind of pain God feels when we are suffering, I would be floored, paralyzed with grief. I don't think I could comprehend the kind of pain God feels, when He sees His children hurting.
The second prayer I prayed this week was this "God, hold what I can't." I prayed, and still am praying, this prayer at a time of helplessness. I asked God to hold together what I couldn't. I asked Him to hold Sadie, and her family. I asked Him to hold my best friend. I asked Him to hold me, to hold me as I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Because I am helpless in this position, but God is able.
So Now I ask you this question that my youth pastor asks me, "How have you seen God today?"
Is He there, rejoicing with You? Is His Peace evident in these rough waters? Or is it simply the quiet recognition that Yes, even now, He is here?